September 9th 2020 Wednesday 5:27am

I got enough sleep so my mind is running on hyper drive so I’m sure this will be all over the place. I guess first things first, I don’t have covid! well as of Monday, I could have picked it up yesterday, or even today. The sandman could have given it to me because I forgot to wear my mask to bed. The reason I got the test is because Anahata’s purpose is this weekend and I am definitely going now. Getting pretty excited, especially about the comedy show. I feel such a pull to try my hand at doing standup. It just seems like that would be the place to explore the ramblings that I write anyway even further with an audience to see what is actually funny. I feel great physically, which is very different than where I was the past couple weeks/months. However my mind is racing. I can slightly remember a dream that at the time was slightly panic/anxiety provoking. There is nothing I can recall from it that I can transmit into word form, just the feels. That kind of shit is some of the reason I have subdued myself with substances for so long. Never really learning how to maturely control myself. I have historically reached for a substance to help me cope. As different as actually feeling feelings fully is I would take this over the distant place that I put myself in smoking pot. I feel light right now. When I smoke pot I feel heavy, not only in my physical weight due to the inevitable overeating but also in my spirit. Everything is a constant justified loss. I rarely complete anything, the ego runs the show and I am only here to survive. Barely existing I have been. Yoda talk.. It both brings me a sense of sadness and empowerment when analyzing the whole smoking situation. It is an escape, an excuse, a justification, a crutch for living. Part of you is totally convinced that you are better off smoking all the time because it keeps you safe. Smoking pot kills the curious cat before it even has a chance to act upon it’s motivations. All I can chalk it up to is a damn shame. Nah, that’s too much story, it is just what it is, it’s what happened, and because you are aware and know then you have the opportunity to continue or to develop habits to mitigate. Because lets be honest, the thoughts and feelings are never going to go away. Granted they can get quieted down but that takes work and you can only get there by being uncomfortable and pushing through. I am super glad that you give yourself this time to ramble on about all the long existing issues that you are perceiving as barriers in the evolving betterment of the person you are. I like that it doesn’t have to look good or even sound correct because at this point I still haven’t shared this with anyone. I want to share it with Chris, maybe I will today, really just to get feedback. Hmm. A story, I always forget about telling a story. All the stories that are up in from of the line are of times that I was a piece of trash or acted irrationally under the influence or fucked up or whatever. I want to remember a story where things really clicked. Wild too how none of the stories are just me, like the best stories always involve others, maybe a reason why the number of stories you have are all painted in some dark minor tone. It makes sense too when the act you have been playing out is a role of not fitting in while being fearful of rejection and abandonment. Yesterday I had a moment where I was called upon during a huddle thing at work to talk and after I felt very uneasy about it because I realized that I divert attention away from anything of any importance to attempt to be goofy. I am always trying to make people laugh rather than actually have anything of any real substance to say. I can remember times in grade school where I would lean too far back on my chair and fall. Maybe I did it accidentally once, or saw it happen, but I can remember doing it several times pretending to do it on purpose. I wonder what that was all about. The thoughts around the experience of being the one who would purposefully fall backwards are ones that I felt like I had to prove that it is ok to be the fool. 777! Checked the word count and that is where I was at after that last sentence. That totally means the universe is in alignment and supportive of me all the time. You are great, so much greater than you can ever even comprehend. Stop getting in your own way, get out of the way, play the fool without judgement or expectation. Surrender to the process of letting go all the silly stories you compiled about who you are and what you are capable of. Oh yea and try not to smoke so often, you are better without it. Love You! Bye! 877 6:07am

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