September 8th 2020 Tuesday 5:50am

I wonder if you know what it means to find your dreams. It may seem to be the supreme fantasy yet it can be so tangible. The delight I find in light of the time left. I wonder… Hmm… what would it look like if I were to be really going for it? What it is doesn’t have to be concrete, but it has to be solid and specific enough to aim for and shoot at. It has to be able to be actionable as a place where you can be with a measured result. I hate to admit that covid fucked with me so much but it did. This whole thing threw me back to a place where I am super jaded about life. Then with the jaded feeling about people, culture, society, the world I reflect bak what I perceive what I am seeing and have totally doubted my capabilities and commitment. The measurable goal of completing the massage program fully, like passing the test, and getting the license come up around something I should do just because I know I can do it. Also have been having the thoughts about moving on from moms, either as in getting a higher up position not just at the store or leaving completely. I want to be in a place where I am well versed in behavior adaptation while incorporating psychedelics to get results at an accelerated and possibly longer lasting rate. I know so many things that I tend to confuse myself with all the options and thoughts. Also you tend to forget what you are best at… building things, also fixing them but that’s kind of all part of the build because things will inevitably break. Finding a lifestyle where I can contribute in building wild vehicles for living, transport, and show is always there. Painting stuff, yea that isn’t very specific. Too much blurriness. Behavior modification and adaptation through use of habit, routine, and environment change supplemented with psychedelic therapy to relive the tension of trauma keeping someone from being able to fully be in the creative space of designing a life rather than just continuing to be thrown at it without much say in the matter.

Ugh lets talk about my own traumas for a minute, because a specific moment that is so insignificant in the large scheme of things but somehow super meaningful somewhere locked up deep inside is a comment I made to dad when I was probably sixteen or so. We were eating dinner at bertucci’s talking about college stuff. I said something about being and engineer or going into an engineer program and his response was something like, “thats a lot of math.” Somehow that one comment I took as a definitive reason why I could never be and engineer because I apparently I wasn’t “good enough” at math to cut it. Looking back I realize that was a total projection like most if not all of the content in the conversations about what I should do. I put so much meaning into my dad being smart when I was younger. Also how since he was so smart and was the trusted authority that the stuff he said about life was actually the way things are. I realized pretty “late” or more so in right time that it ain’t necessarily true. Yet for the better part of my existence here I believed that the authority knew better than me. Which has lead to a subconscious distrust of authority. To the extent that I distrust myself as an authority. I feel like I led myself astray for so long because of the silly shit I was convinced of. So now I find myself with a lot of bad habits, total distrust in authority, and a whole lot of inner unresolved conflict and confusion.

I guess it all is what it is in the end. Maybe you have always been like this, like even before birth, like other lifetime shit. Maybe you are here to break a cycle. Maybe it is time to stop playing safe and blaming the world and just do what you feel is true without the constraint of taking other peoples perceived expectations into account. I think it is time to get clear about whats really going on here. You are a fake, a racketeer, you lie to yourself and others about who you are. Then the story plays out the way it always has and you end up being something you are not. You are on a road to nowhere becoming nothing that you want to be. You want to be courageous, confident, strong, and powerful. You want to be influential, filled with joy, love, and abundance in a commitment to service for the better good of the community of all humans. If you want it you can have it, but you have to aim for it and get intu action around specifically how you are going to get there. I think you are clearer on where you are at than you want to allow yourself to believe which is just a defense mechanism creating that itch of distrust that gives you a justification to sit back and wait until you become some other way, except you know that isn’t true and you see it all happening so clearly at times yet to actually stand up and step forth into a life worth living you imagine a story rather than what is really there. Typical ordinary human bullshit, yea yea, we know, shake it up, shake it off, go out there and kill this monkey, tell them to get the fuck off you are riding this one out of step with the way it has been unraveling… 958 6:37am

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