September 7th 2020 5:30am Monday

First Monday of the month. Welcome back! There is really nothing I would like more than to just crawl right back into bed and sleep until when I have to work. Maybe even call out and sleep all day. Sleeping all day is one of those things that I have done enough times that I know the fantasy is always better than the reality. Most things that aren’t planned are that way. Yet there was always that one time, that one moment that has you chasing the dragon. That one time I slept in all day and had great dreams and was super comfy and everything felt good. Yea that happened once, and the other hundred times I tried never felt anything close to that. Actually the complete opposite, I ended up feeling way worse after spending all of my waking time in bed. I am feeling real reflective about who I have been and who I am now. I used to be someone who didn’t have any interest in analyzing their behavior, I was pretty stuck in grin and bearing the load of life until I no longer had to “deal with it.” My mind right now is pretty blank which is kind of nice. However for this practice I keep thinking how I am wasting my time sitting here day in and day out rambling about how I used to be vs who I am now, which if you were to just forget this person who you were and just be present with who you are now than you might actually feel better. Even more specifically what if you were only remember the accomplishments, the wins, and not let ego discredit all that you have accomplished. The programming sounds like this, “I won, completed, and or accomplished somethings, yay go me” then immediately some judgmental asshole ego mechanism disregards the win because an apparent “someone else” could have or would have gotten the same result or better. The constant judgement is such s bad habit. It is so subtle but insidious. Trying to think of examples, my first thought is about a high jump competition at Woodward, I cleared eleven feet, but so did two other guys, so it was a three way tie for winner, I got a backpack that I still have. That “but” in the last sentence discredits all integration of winning into your spirit. It’s like I won but not rally because I wasn’t the only one. I just got sad thinking about riding bikes. Due to so many factors I have had, and still do have such a skewed view of who I am. Which led me to such low places. The lowest place I got to within the past couple years has been an attempt to forget all the stuff that I used to be and believe. However that caused me to forget and disregard a lot of stuff that led me to where I am now. It’s like at some point I forgot about how much time I spent on my bike. It’s like I figured that something else would just be able to fill the massive void left from leaving riding bikes behind. Like something was just going to pop up and give me all the stuff that riding bmx has given me. I want to get down on myself about all of the relationship and interaction stuff that I blew off along the years due to such a misperception of who I am. So much ego, not like the arrogant or confident type, more like the narcissistic self deprecating type. I may not like myself a whole lot, but I am all I think and talk about. Funny how that plays out. You see it everywhere too. Also you tend to forget how diet and environment are key factors in the way that you have felt and processed information. From as far back as I can remember the “food” I consumed I would barely consider food, and then I got way worse into my “adulthood” because I had no foundation, rules, plans, maps, anything to show me that certain things are actually the reason you feel so unhinged at times. It really isn’t as serious or meaningful as you make it either. Like yea in your late teens and twenties you acted like a trash can. You leaned into a role as a toxic person due to many factors, some of which aren’t even really factors more so an idea that things “had to” or just happened that way and all you can do is participate in the observation of who you are now from where you’ve been. The other actual factors come from a deep insecurity towards connection. From a very young age I made a decision that I was not allowed to be “myself”.” So trapped I have felt in my own skin ever since. There is the me that I present to my parents and the world, then there are multitudes of other ways of being that I stop myself from becoming because of fear of judgement and abandonment. I still feel such a deep sadness around what seems like such a minor incident where I was left alone. It has shaped the way I interact with the world because I am in constant fear of being rejected. It feels like if I do anything that isn’t in line with some made up perception of how the way anyone, really even myself sees things than I am going to be abandoned. This skewed view then leads me to do exactly what was done to me and keep everyone at such a far distance that I have basically already abandoned myself from the situation or relationship before it even started because I am so fearful of repeating the trauma. Which leads me into a feeling of some kind of false unworthiness somehow justified by the original incident. You get be right, you get to dominate the situation by not partaking in it at all. It is totally childish and vengeful. I want to get past this, because I know there is so much more to uncover once you relieve yourself of this abandonment tension. How it occurs to me is that since I am so easily abandon-able than I must not be worth anything to anyone. Hmm sigh… I want to work this out, I want to uncover more, I want to plan to not be this way. I want to feel worthy of love, joy, and connection regardless of anything… Present tense it, Regardless of anything, I am worthy of love, joy, and connection! 1109 6:21am

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