September 4th 2020 Friday 5:25am

Up nice and early. Feeling slow, but grateful that I can be slow right now and kind to myself. I’ve been too far gone for too long, minds a storm that washes the pain on the shores of my psyche. Uncovering the hidden treasure of pain. It hurts yes but it is full of information. Pain is peculiar because we are able to perceive it happening from an outside stimuli and we are also able to pool it, keep it inside us, feel it again as if it were the first time. I really want this to go somewhere. See how your wants and actions are not quite in alignment. If you were to have alignment in the realm of free writing then you most likely would read about a topic that interested you and see how much you can rattle off about it. Maybe even reference the peculiar details. I have a penchant for being a bad man. It’s in my blood, my dues are just now beginning to be paid. The horror or sorrow inside any tomorrow creates worry and confusion blinding yourself from a solution. Solution is a weird one because it can both mean the act of solving a problem and the state of a problem being solved. It can mean the means and the ends all in the same word just when used in different context. All over the place this is going. We aren’t sure where we are gong so please sit back and enjoy the rest of this story about me who see himself as less than ideal. It’s unreal how I feel so inept because I’m not like uber talented at some thing by now. Maybe it isn’t about it looking good on paper or on stage, maybe it is the moment when you are entrenched in examination of meaning and behavior that you have found the calling. What if you are extraordinary as fuck at what you do, but only a few can really get how good you really are. Most people wouldn’t be able to interact or be interested unless they are being entertained. Also what if the real point of all of this stuff is to be as good as you can get at everything you can do. Which would mean sucking and being an amateur more often then being an expert. Sure there are some that are able to defy this concept and be above average in sucking at first. Work sucks, I know. Original, be original, create a story of a land called Yeptoid far far away in another dimension that simultaneously interacts with the current dimension. Then I get bored then I feel inadequate that I don’t have some magnificent story. Thats how the story should begin, a guy on a typewriter sitting typing away and as soon as the page is done he looks it over in disgust, rips it off the machine and throws it only a gigantic pile of papers sitting next to him. Planet Yeptoid? or just the land on a planet? Is it a planet? What about a plane, a plane of existence within a wave. There is no time in Yeptoid only waves. What does a timeless wave plane do? Undulate? Unda literally just means wave. So if a wave undulates then that is just a wave waving. It is a description of an inherent action of the thing itself, waves wave. Trees tree, dogs dog, humans human. Spiral waves. Thats it, beyond time travel. What if you were to be experiencing all of everything at once instead of this tiny fragment of a moment here and now? We do our best to avoid even being present now and retreat to memories of past times, or fantasized futures. Like what I just did right there… I paused pulled out a notecard and wrote some stuff down that I want in my future, or my present is missing. What’s missing from your future aren’t things and stuff, it’s purpose, goals, and objectives. Your dream… Your legacy, the reason why you are here, what you are here for. You could spend the whole time floundering in the mud or make a choice to allow the mud to take you where it can and will if no resistance. How much? How much time do you have left? How much time are you going to continue to spend on ideas and concepts that are unknown, that no one has ever figured out and have been proven to be a waste of time and energy by countless numbers of men before you. You pride yourself in being the one who asks why, yet you tend to dismiss and not look at the deeper question of why you are asking why? It’s like you scratch the surface and decide there is no use. You ask a perceived authority what to do, then when it doesn’t work out you blame and distrust the authority. Instead of bringing into question how and why? It’s like you trust that no matter what any authorities advice is most likely wrong, yet you continue to ask why? Because they are all wrong, they have continuously lead you astray. The only “correct” path is now without question. That is how it has occurred to me in recent times. It is a mighty transition to take on, but maybe thats what you are here for. To quit questioning and start navigating. 909 6:15am

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