September 3rd 2020 Thursday 5:25am

I am grateful for this time you give to yourself to express whatever may be coming up. I am grateful for coffee for providing me with energy and whatever else it does to wake me up. My intention is to write some gratitudes for a specific amount of time then go do some movement for ten minutes. It feels weird to try and riddle off all the things I’m grateful for, especially when it seems redundant. I know I’m thankful for my parents and Leasa, should I list that every day? I am really grateful for Jennifer because she is able to provide love and support even if I’m acting like a brat. I am so fortunate to have such a solid foundation, thankful for my parents for providing me with all the things I need to thrive. I am grateful for recognizing that regardless of judgement or attachment you have been kind of fucking up for some time now, at least in the realm of maturity, becoming better, and expressing potent action. I am thankful for the apparent freedom I have to do all the things within my physical grasp. I am beyond grateful for northeast corners for putting out music. The eternal gratitude for Dustin and Sean can really never be conveyed in this physical realm, but I should at least try.

It was the electric halloween festival at paradise lakes in 2017? I was getting ready, gathering my things that afternoon. I got distracted and began to compose a text that was more or less an unloading of all the thoughts, feelings, and emotion that I had about a particular person. I was sitting on the edge of my bed with at least a paragraph worth of what I felt was true, I wanted to unload and get across how I was really feeling. A lot of emotion tied into the text. I was sitting there staring at the message, reading it over and over again. My finger hovering over the send button. Moments from smashing the button I get a text from a friend asking whats up? what am I up to? I explained that I was getting ready for this festival and that they should come out. I felt as if I transferred all the energy I had just been using toward the confession text towards my other friend. I used that as a distraction to not end up sending the text. My friend came over we got ready and headed out, neither of us were ready for what was going to transpire next. We got to the venue and set up our stuff, it was close to evening and getting dark and cold already, it was the end of October so it gets cold. We all dropped a short while after getting there and started drinking and what not, everything was seemingly normal and fun. Some guys pulled up after the sun had gone down. We were chilling at the campsite area and the new people asked if it would be cool if they set up next to us. Go right ahead we said. They introduced themselves and started unloading their shit. They had a peculiar tent that they could not quite figure out how to put up. I saw them struggling and headed over to talk with them, maybe help. By that time the drugs had began to take hold and I was no help to anyone. I tried my best to pull it together to attempt to assist with the tent, but when it get to that point there is too much happening to be of any use to anyone. After presumably wandering around for a little bit I found myself back at the campsite with my friend I invited. Around that time I was going through a what some might call a spiritual ascension. I was in the process of shedding the old and taking on the new. The old was detrimental narratives about life sucking, me sucking, everything sucking. I was beginning to use affirmations and truly accept and believe that I can love myself. I was pretty gone rambling about how life is all about the affirmations and things we tell ourselves. I remember asking something like why do some tries flourish and why do some seem to have some kind of disease and wither and die. Basically I was just rambling affirmative nonsense to reaffirm the stuff I had been reading about and feeling. Also I forgot to mention I had a big blond mullet wig on, it was supposed to be like Joe Dirt or something, but yea I was wearing that so I looked ridiculous. After I was pretty much done my rambling I looked over at my buddy for confirmation that any of that made sense or just wanting to see how they were or where they were at. This moment changed everything. I looked over at my friend and they had a look on their face like I had just killed someone very close to them. Their eyes had a look of such intense rage, fear, and sadness. I was shocked, I thought that through whatever I was saying about affirmations and positive thinking it must have gone against something they held sacred. I couldn’t help but to think in my provincial mind that it was somehow my fault that they lost control over their emotions to the extent that they were now filled with intense rage. Their piercing eyes are still so vivid. Within seconds of realizing something happened my collar was being violently gripped up with their other fist pulled back to send their fist through my skull. I pulled away, pulled the wig off, explained that whatever they think is going on, or whoever they think I am is not what is actually happening. I kept distance between us, and did my best to play off the situation, but I was scared, it was somehow just us back at the campsite, no one around would be able to act quickly enough to diffuse the calamity if anything were to transpire. I am assuming that someone came back to camp and found us locked into a conversation that we were both so heavily confused by our own involvement. They kept saying things like “what do you want from me” and “if this is it, im not going” stuff that to me made little to no sense. I was not at all in any condition to be dealing with this, I was so struck with feelings that I had somehow ruined this evening because I was talking about how to become better to someone who seemed too stuck to listen so they turned to rage to deal with the insecurity. People came back to camp and I did my best to distance myself. I could tell that if I got close the rage got worse and they were on the verge of totally losing it. I tried telling people what had happened and how scared I was that they were not ok and how they had gone after me. But my cries fell on deaf ears. I wasn’t with anyone I was especially close with so they were able to play it off as me overreacting. After little while it was apparent that there was something wrong and people did listen to me but we didn’t know what to do. A friend tried to give them a hug and they began to pull the friend in closer and harder almost as if to seduce them into something intimate. Another friend exclaimed that their eyes looked like they were either going to fuck me or kill me. Either way it was a weird situation no one wanted to deal with. So time goes on and I stay with them for a little while longer trying my best to make amends because I totally have a story built up about how the whole thing was my fault. It was getting parking and colder and I offered long johns and socks. I could tell they were not about that at all in such a weakened state. We had one last conversation about the bedrock basis of our confrontation. It got to a point that I basically talked them down from a fight because I said something like “what are we going to do fight? Then what? What does that settle? What do we do then, one of us ends up killing the other? What does that prove or solve”. Someone this conversation lightened up things and they seemed to believe me more then they had for the whole evening. Some time past and it was into the cold dark evening. I was high as a kite but very unsettled because of what had transpired earlier. Two rugged travelers came up to our camp instruments in hand. It was Sean and Dustin, they began to play some songs. I can remember standing there just taking it all in when Dustin played this song that someone pulled everything together that had been going on in life up until that point and it all made sense all of a sudden. I can still feel the wash of emotional okness and stillness the song and his words created. It somehow made everything ok, and everything I had done up until that moment made sense and it was all going to happen that way and the pure love and joy of life whirled around my personal universe and tears began to pool. Such a uniquely weird experience that was soothed by Northeast Corners so I am eternally grateful for the experience. Thank You! 6:30 1611

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