September 30th 2020 Wednesday 5:59am

The gross amount of miscommunication and omitted communication in my family is laughable yet more than likely detrimental to the fabric of our relationships. Where the hell am I even going to go with that kind of statement. Not enough sleep leads to a stream of complaints about myself, life, friends, family, society, everything. Everything is wrong, what causes this is holding back what actually rings true. Knowing the difference between what is true in your heart and what sounds good is the distinction. Fuck I really don’t want to be writing about this because I am not these familiar with structures of understanding. I feel and think that I have some point to be made but really I just want to dream. The dream is to be able to write about specific topics at a faster pace using better finger placement. I want to be better, more perfect, progress beyond expectations. That is what I want to be here for. I want to relieve myself of the tensions I carry that hold me back and keep me stuck in my head. You have had so many great ideas over the years especially in the past few yet none have come to fruition. Why? Because you are worried about the unknown outcome. Nah, that worry is just a fucking distraction, even as real as it seems to occur that unknown outcome is a lot of work, and you are lazy. Yesterday you were writing about personal responsibility and accountability yet the actions you played out yesterday were all in the realms of ordinary knowing. I bought way too much food and beer and consumed a lot of it and there were fleeting moments where I felt like I was making good points, but I don’t remember nearly any of it and didn’t record anything I rambled with Mike about. Last night felt like a realization of a level up. Like I have been repeating the behaviors of consuming food and substances often for the past couple months. I feel stronger than ever so I feel like I can handle myself better than ever. Which is seemingly leading me to thinking better. The harsh judgmental person I have had a tendency to be is becoming quieter and fading away. Even only last year when I was acting out similar behaviors I was way more critical of myself. Which leads to feeling bad because of a perception of lack, fuck I gotta go…6:30am

It is now October 1st at 5:18am and I want to complete this page even though I didn’t fully finish the practice yesterday picking up where I left off the next day is better than just leaving it as it is. So yea I had a dream last night that first I was riding around in a truck thing with a trailer. I say “thing” because the seat was extended out of the middle of the thing on a very long pole. You would basically sit atop a perch and steer from up there. It had extended wheels sticking out way too far on each side. Same idea as the seat basically there is a ten foot or so axle extended out to another wheel on each side. I was driving it around for someone guy and I was Ralfs nervous about hitting anything because it was so wide. I kept having to turn off of the roads I was on because they became too narrow. I found myself somewhere kind of like the break room at work where people had brought in all kinds of cookies. I took a whole plate of cookies and was on my way. I was then driving this monstrosity on a narrow snowy road up a mountain. The road was too narrow and icy, I first lost the trailer then the truck. They seemingly feel into water or whatever was surrounding the spiraling snowy hills. There was something like a castle? It feels weird describing it like that because it didn’t relate to me as a castle until I wrote that word. I really don’t recall an outside just what it seemed like inside. A mansion too kinda, that could be a way to describe it, but the idea that it was on top of a snowy mountain surrounded by water and it was difficult to get to makes it more like a castle. Regardless when I was inside there was a hole in the floor and a fishing rod next to it. I could see a big fish that was seemingly attached to the line on the fishing pole. Also Bill was seemingly there, like he was chilling waiting in the castle mansion place. I grabbed the rod and started pulling and attempting to reel the fish in. The fish turned out to be a huge shark, it came up out of the water seemingly bit Bill and latched onto his arm, I ran away. Bill escaped seemingly unscathed. I seemingly went to an upstairs area that was open to the main “room” we were in before. I seemingly opened some doors and then was floored. There was an ominous vibe coming from inside the doors. I couldn’t move, talk, wake up. This has happened on multiple occasions where I get frozen in this fear/anxiety for something that is seemingly going to occur. It seemed like I was waiting for something terrifying to appear. Before that occur I began to growl and was able to wake myself up out of the dream my actually growling out loud in waking life. This has happened to me several times now and seemingly started just about two years ago. I really cannot recall ever growling myself out of my sleep prior to that. I woke up and then I woke up early without hitting the snooze and I did all the things and now I am here finishing up this page. 986 5:40am

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