September 2nd 2020 6:09am Wednesday

Yesterday was missed on account of not giving a fuck enough about this practice. I would like to have a topic to talk about most likely from an experience. The experience of being uber self aware of the judgement upon myself about who I am being. I have several coworkers that have this same issue. I can tell that there are different levels of intensity about how harsh and how often we get down on ourselves about our expression of our being out in the world. I want to actively be in a process of ridding myself of all the detrimental bullshit that keeps you stuck. Figure it out so you can share it. This does help, most of the time, once I get going and stop caring about what im going to say of where I’m going to go feels like something is shifting the tiniest tiniest bit, its like one brush stroke. One day after endless amounts of brush strokes you will have a masterpiece. The words and all the meaning around “shy” and “awkward” feels like someone kicked a record player off a table that was playing real loud and the needle makes a horrendous scraping noise and the speakers are doing this popping clacking thing that pierces your fucking soul, there is probably a name for that speaker pop noise, even when unplugging anything from an amp without it turned off kind noise but worse and the unsettling feeling that comes along with it for that moment. Thats what comes up constantly in the train of thought involving my interactions in the world.

Im back its 10:19, I was having a thought about naming articles something like why you should be drinking coffee, why you should be breathing, why you SHOULD capitalized to emphasize the point that you should do these things for better life experiences. Why you should be listening to Northeast Corners. Well why should you be drinking coffee? Hmm. It should be why you should be drinking the right kind of coffee and brewing it correctly. Also wether or not you want to put something into it like butter or cream can either enhance the experience or end up adding unwanted consequences. Ok you can make it all kinds of ways and you can get different stuff to put in it but like, you know, whats so great about coffee? why should I be drinking it? Ok the preface is that there is a certain kind of coffee and time period between roasting and consumption that are super crucial for the expression of health benefits that coffee has to offer. The effervescent bonds created by the excitation of structures within and around the bean during roasting immediately begin to dissipate after being cooled so the quicker after roasting the beans that it can be ground and used the better. Any beans roasted over two weeks prior to their use are basically useless in terms of health benefits because all of the chemicals that are expressed through roasting have disappeared. I am kind of making this up but it sounds good right? Several other crucial aspects of making coffee you SHOULD be drinking are the water being used, the method used to make the coffee, and the grind of the beans. The point of the article is that there is coffee and there is coffee you SHOULD be drinking. Like there is water, as in chemically chlorinated gross rusty tap water, yes there is water and you should be drinking water, but there is also water you should be drinking. You should be drinking water, but that doesn’t mean you are drinking the water you SHOULD be drinking. The water you SHOULD be drinking is filtered and preferably multi stage filtered reverse osmosis. You SHOULD be drinking high quality clean good water. So if you get that there is no reason why other things that use high quality water can’t be held to a higher standard of what should be acceptable as an option. There are things that are beneficial for you to consume then there is like 99% of everything else out there that is devoid of any nutritional or chemical value. Things can be so slightly altered nowadays that they may have been somewhat real even a few decades ago but now have been stripped of any nutritional value and the structures the chemicals that make up the thing are made out of are flimsy and jumbled, they create instability, fuck everything is fucked, no it is ok calm down you are strong, powerful, and you can create all the things you want to create. But do you want to, when will all this silliness end? Never probably the trap has been trapping for the longest of trap times and it’s not quite clear which trap the top will set so as long as you recover from one quickly enough the next trap may not come along so quickly after. The ride is going to be a long ever so monotonous journey to find out that you are fucked and the shit is not good, ok ok just calm the fuck down what is this amateur hour? Jeez this guy cant hold his composure worth a shit. The point of all of this was supposed to be about the aspect of the psyche that attempts to contort reality into some be all end all apocalyptic fatality. Every moment any little nudge comes up around actually doing something different, especially when put up to it or held to it, you then do what you historically have done which is to just throw in the towel, give up, run away, and make it all seem like somehow it either never happened or it was all well and good and justified and you weren’t supposed to take karate, or play guitar because the class was at fault, and the teacher sucked, Its the fucking worlds fault everything sucks, everyone else gave me a bum ticket and showed me the wrong way to the door so im walking back from the show in the pouring rain catching a cold waiting for a fucking car to hit me or get struck by lightning, what a miserable fucking shame you feel like you got the short end of the deal, it was all supposed to be some other way, I didn’t expect my actions along the this road to actually lead me to a point that I feel so mislead and bitter about the whole situation to the extent that it seems like so much damage is done there is no use in trying to make amends, fix, or get better, it feels like there is too much to do, not enough time, so I have become overwhelmed by the options and have decided that inaction and non-movement are the easiest ways of being that I can afford in this weakened emotional and spiritual state.. I don’t want to be bitter, I don’t want to be cold and closed off and isolated, but every time I feel the least bit alive anymore I feel such a deep awful ache that you just aren’t ever going to get over the bullshit that you took too seriously and made mean everything about who you are and what your place is in the wonderful little playground. What a fucking shit show… Finally paused what a fucking rant, there has to be some gold in there. what the fuck is anything even worth anyway? I think all you need to remember and hold true is that one moment with or for someone can make the world different. For better for worse, the world is in your hands… 1284 10:53am

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