September 28th 2020 9:44am Monday

Missed yesterday on account that I stayed up all night. I could have wrote but I was playing the part of being delirious. When I find myself in those states my worst behaviors come to the surface. All I want to do is get really high and eat everything. Lets take it back to how I got myself where I was. There was a small get together, a mini festival really at this dudes farm out in Glen Mills. I was hype to see Mums again, they rule. Also excited about grandma doing their comedy show. The night started off a little uncertain considering I was goin alone even though I knew I would run into a ton of people that I knew. Regardless I felt the urge to resort to substances as per usual. Bought some beers and was on my way. Dropped a little during the ride in hopes of feeling it shortly after I got there. Other than a short rain shower that occurred as I was approaching, then having to deal with wet feet for the rest of the night from the subsequent walk through high grass fields was really the only downside to the whole night, everything else was wonderful. As soon as I rolled up to the barn I saw at least a dozen people that I haven’t seen since last summer. Felt great to reconnect with people. Moments like that are such a mind fuck for my ego, because some part of my defense mechanisms relies on a story that “no one likes me.” So to be in a place that people are kind, open, and genuinely just enjoying connection with each others presence quickly quiets down the noise from historic survival tactics and I actually feel free and open to express myself. Mums went on shortly after I got there, they rock so hard, I love that I can let loose to them. Fuck they are so much fun. The more I see them the better and better they are getting at being able to exist in the fleeting moments of coalescent transcendence where time, space, and vibration all mash into the perfect harmony of the existence of the human spirit. The experience is of being part of one. It is no easy feat either, like I said it doesn’t usually occur and the moments that it does are fleeting. Yet they seem to be putting in the time to become more and more magical, thank you so much Brian, Marissa, Dom, Greaser, and the drummer and guitar players that I unfortunately forget their names right now but they are also in Fat Mezz with Dom and the guitar player is already a god, he shreds so hard that I don’t even think he knows how fucking awesome he is. I should really share this with them because they need to know how incredible they are and how awesome it has been to watch them grow and conquer so quickly. I do want to also give a shout out to Ginny and the Hobo style because they rocked so hard, they mix of punk rock and folk was such a great fit, they played so hard and fast I was moments from inciting a skank pit but I didn’t want it to be perceived as anything too violent. Fuck I really should follow through with my intuition anyways. I am constantly stopping myself in those moments because that underlying narrative that “its inappropriate” and “nobody will like me” if I start doing something that some might disagree with. I had the though this morning about how I want to do what I am able to do on substances sober, and I want to push the things that make me feel like I am in my limiting beliefs even further. What I am talking about is dancing by myself fully expressed to music that I don’t generally “like” and dancing with other people, specifically females. Later in the evening when dj smiley face came on I felt “awkward” because I didn’t quite get down with the music at times. There is another underlying narrative that is super judgmental of certain types of music, I feel so aloof when that expression comes out. The archetype of that guy in the corner with his arms crossed watching a whole dance floor of people have fun and the only reason they aren’t in there being part of the experience is because they have a limiting belief like “psh this isn’t my kind of music” or even worse “this music sucks.” Except what really sucks is letting a story restrain the expression of ones spirit. I was in my head about the dancing so I didn’t stay for too long plus the main reason I came to the festival was the comedy show. The show itself was good, the crowd was rowdy, the comics were a little hesitant, but all in all it was a good time. The open mic went really well surprisingly. I am so grateful for grandma for pushing me. I didn’t “sign up” but they knew I want to go up and talk shit, so after the first couple comedians they just called on me. Fuck it felt so good to just get up in front of people and ramble on. I told some dumb jokes about pirates, talked some shit with burdman, they remembered that I wanted to do a crystal healing workshop, it probably made little to no sense, which was good because most people were on drugs anyways so it probably sounded a lot deeper than it really was. I wanted to get into some gay stuff but I held back because I really don’t have the ideas or point fully developed. Mostly just was to talk about the homosexual experiences I’ve had for the sake of putting it out there. If I can wrap some kind of deeper meaning into it, specifically how the world views men and sexuality and how it is so wrong to be anything but straight and christian. I don’t really want to bring religion into it but it’s kind of impossible unless I figure out that the anti-gay stuff has been going on before christianity, which is probably so, so why was that? What is the truth about why it is seen to be so wrong to be homosexual? That is the question I want to dive into through the use of comedy, I want to carve a niche into the comedy world as a champion of women and lgbtq communities. Fuck macho manly men being serious about following a story about being an idealistic rapey person, only because they are really just insecure and actually bi-curious. The rest of the night was kinda slow, just a lot of wandering and talking. Into the morning mums was back around jamming by an air mattress and Dom was singing the Beatles which has lead me to playing abbey road on repeat for the past two days so thank you Dom for reintroducing me to something I had forgotten about. That’s about it for the festival, yesterday was slow and delirious, I ate a lot of eggs. I had a seemingly long deep dream about being back at a Barlow-esque place being a mechanic again. Ran with dad in the morning and did some shoulder opening stuff. Dicked around on Facebook for too long, made a meme about people putting in incremental work towards a better life and people who plan on turning it all around January 1st. So yea I am feeling pretty good, about to go to the gym and work towards goals of being stronger. So yeah I love you, you are doing great, keep moving, goodbye! 1295 10:28am

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