September 26th 2020 Saturday 7:50am

Slowly coming to terms this morning with the responsibly I have to take for the consequences of who I was being last night. I feel soft, actually I think I feel soft, I am actually cool and tough, you just have convinced yourself otherwise for so long that the story has become believable. Fuck that. Surprisingly feel alright, but that is considering, also I am still relying on my youth and resilience to keep going. I am getting close to the level of taking my actions too far for too long which most of the time results in getting run down and feeling sick. Trying to not allow that to happen while still satisfying the urge to use substances. Last night was fun. Went to paines with the intention of copying what went down Tuesday? night. Stopped at Whole Foods got beer, this time I wanted to fill my stomach so I could drink more efficiently so I got a pizza. Shit is $6 for prime members on Fridays, except I am not a prime member and I didn’t pay for it. If you aren’t going to charge me on the spot you can’t trust me. I took way to much righteous justification into consideration way to fast, plus I ain’t scared to push my luck. Fuck that I ain’t pushing shit, I created that shit with my phenomenal ability to collapse waves of intention through doors of perception. Or something like that. I want to be more eloquent with the meta bullshit I write, that would take pushing this practice further than just writing poorly, all over the keyboarders, straying from subjects, rambling on, running on sentences, but then again fuck all the stuff that we are supposed to do. Then again again it does seem beneficial to learn the structures and frameworks of the stuff that I am basically shitting all over in order to better justify understanding writing, conversation through text, story, all that good stuff because at this point I lost the story I was telling, it got thrown off course real quick this morning because I feel a bit of a chip on my shoulder or fire up my ass about my actions and consequences. The most annoying part is the proclivity to sleep in. That last sentence sucks, that was an ego driven bitchy complaint, most annoying? what the fuck… Regardless, let’s see if I can get back to the shit that went down to get myself to where I am now. More objective, drove to Philadelphia, got beer at Whole Foods, drank beer at skatepark, smoked Brendons “Pickle Rick” bowl, felt loose and good, rode Brendon amazing bike. Ok I have to get more in depth so when we rolled up a whole group set up a PA and some speakers, it was Friday night and they were legit throwing a mini show outside. Chris wasn’t there yet, he was on a date somewhere in the close vicinity because he stopped by in the middle to tell us it was going well and he would be back soon. I rode Brendons bike around, it felt way to good, like i am fully convinced that I should get higher bars and stem now. I got a bit cocky and went full speed at a little kicker attempting to 180 over the trashcan that was set up, but I was going too fast and the trash can was too close to I ate shit. Not really all that bad just landed on my side, worst part is hitting my heel which I injured at the devils pool back in July, it feels like I re-aggravated it to the point that it feels as bad as it did the day I first fucked it up. Wah, quit bitching, you should be fucking grateful you even have a heel to bruise. Ok ok I am I am grateful for ever ache and pain and confused stupor I find myself in at night eating hagen daz in bed and falling asleep with the light on while cuddling up to the empty container and spoon. I don’t think I have had that exact experience before, sure I have passed out in a wrecked stupor with the light on all confused but I was in outer space last night. It was just too late really. I continued to drink and smoke, got some pbrs from a skater dude out there hustling. Got to be part of the audience when reek when on. He is real fucking good, it felt good to be part of something that I wouldn’t normally be part of. Also nice being the minority, like fuck white people, there should be less of us. The show was tight, I was real close to getting more bud but I left before I made that decision because I probably would have tried to smoke this morning if I had some. Eventually made it back home and polished off the last mast landing stout and ate all the jalapeƱo poppers and hotdogs I had left in the fridge. By the time I gave Mike a ride home I realized I hadn’t written in the book and I basically just said fuck it to myself, like that is the consequence of my actions. One day missed, better luck next notebook. You justified it because that on page you wrote when you were up in Maine was after 12am. You gots to get some rules for yourself to abide by or you are going to continue justifying the ways in which you are sabotaging the important stuff that keeps you headed towards some kind of progression. Another justification/reason why I felt entitled to get fucked up last night is because I went to the gym yesterday and got back to doing squats, bench, and pull-ups. So I felt like as a congratulations I should get wrecked, whatever, I regret nothing, just simply doing my best to be with myself over the consequences. No use in suffering any more than you have to. Physical pain is easy to deal with, mental anguish over some judgement you are placing on your actions is just not what I want to be about. I want to be free, shit I am free, I am powerful, I have the ability to fully express myself and finally I am love, in love, loving, caring, compassionate, gentle, kind, beautiful, and just generally a really great person to have around for innumerable reasons. Even if it doesn’t sound true, keep saying it, like a crappy Sheryl Crow song it might just get stuck in your head and eventually you might start to enjoy it, maybe even sing and dance to it. You won’t know until you give it a try. K love you bye! 1132 8:32am

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