September 24th 2020 Thursday 6:16am

I am late, but I am here. Is that really true? Being late based on expectation is totally different than being late for scheduled appointment. I have an expectation to be here at a certain point to record these poorly written ramblings, yes, but that doesn’t mean I am required to be here by any certain time. So how can I be late. The immediate behavior is to look for the lack I guess, try to find the thing you are doing wrong, highlight it to prove to yourself that you aren’t worthy and continue living limited by you own worry about who and what you really are. If you were to actually schedule this time you would then be able to gain a win inside of completing the practice and being accountable with time. So much bad habits and behaviors, ugh, it’s a drag when I begin to analyze it because there is no end, and I get frustrated that maybe all I am doing is distracting myself from pondering the possibility of developing different habits. A wave of uncertainty, insecurity, worry, all that good stuff just washed over me as I began to think of what to write about development of different habits. Even just refining one that you have developed recently that are need of nourishing because if they aren’t fully incorporated they can be lost in the stream of ordinary behavior that some part of you relies on to exist with some kind of contentment. Anger is coming up too. I want to blame my parents, other authority figures, society, why the fuck didn’t you tell me this shit was like this? It was like I got thrown into some place that I quickly realized I didn’t want to be and upon my resistance was only offered a simple apology of how things are just the way they are and there is nothing you can do about it. Or maybe that is just how I perceived it based upon generational knowledge that holds more responsibility than I will ever give it credit for in dictating the transcription of cellular data. What? So you are telling me that maybe just maybe all the shit you think, feel, and perceive might not be all you? Especially being so young as I was to make such stalwart decisions about the way life is, where the fuck did that come from? My parents seem to naive and aloof to have been the only contributing factor in the residence that I have met the world with. Or maybe it is all me, maybe I just saw stuff for how I saw it and made my choices off that. Maybe it is the blessing and burden of having a sharp cutting mind that I learned to use at a ver young age to cut off what I am not able to deal with. Ok, cool, maybe, but what now? Like you know all the story, and you are forever working towards directing the “what happened” from how you perceived/are perceiving “it” “life” “reality” whatever. Fuck, again I feel like this is going down some never-ending spiraling synopsis of how good I am at not seeing things “the way they really are” and just using my unlimited introspection to distract myself from what is here for me currently. Ok, changing the game, right now. Right now my left wrist is achey, maybe from the gym yesterday, maybe from the jalapeƱo poppers dad made that I ate after work last night. Regardless, it’s uncomfortable, but other than that I feel pretty good. Better than pretty good actually because I actually went to the gym yesterday and deadlifted for the first time since March. I got 345 lbs up five times as a max, I was at 395 before the pandemic, and I might have been pushing it, but in theory I can get back to that with a five pound increase each week in ten weeks or so. I am ready for the cold, almost slightly excited which is something totally new that I can’t even believe I am saying. Like Win Hof says, cold is a teacher, and I feel like I really need that right now. Again to come back to developing habits. My morning routine is pretty on point when I get up early enough to accomplish it thoroughly. I want to incorporate move movement, breath, and meditation. That is going to take discipline beyond what you have already developed. The easiest way to gain more of what you already have is accountability. Back to the initial idea that if I were to put into place a when, where, and what I could easily expand in areas that I feel so much resistance towards. The first question I am faced with is the for what? What is the dream, goal, objective or being in action around habits in personal development. The first thought that comes to mind is being a leader in a community that supports the things that support the betterment of peoples lives. Which includes waking up early, exercise, breathing, reading, writing, nourishment, dreaming, sleeping, dancing, singing, telling stories, working towards a common goal. Shit even just having common goals for the collective to work on, things that are decentralized and rooted in the heart center. I imagine being some kind of ring leader for a specific group, I will be one of many and there is no one higher up in authority that any other. We are all equal, we are all one. I gotta get up and move, also feel a need to look up circus ring leaders and how they became a thing. K bye love you! 949 7:07am

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