September 23rd 2020 5:56am Wednesday

I want today to be a start again. I missed yesterday because I woke up too late. Or at least thats what I tell myself. I didn’t write yesterday because I didn’t write, I looked up stuff about the root chakra instead and copied some information from a website to a notebook. Riveting I know. So far today has been slow, hit the snooze for like thirty minutes, spent too long in the shower, and scrolled social media for nearly ten minutes. Ordinary af but not wrong or bad, just is what happened. At this point right this moment it all doesn’t matter because I am sitting, typing, and I have coffee so really I am winning, I just had some obstacles to overcome to get to this point. But now I am here. I think I want to do what I know to do but have been so resistant of. Planning, goal setting, objective task completion, you know how it works, you know how to talk about it, yet it hasn’t happened yet for you. That idea of waiting for the thing that is going to light the fire, waiting for it to happen rather than being the cause in the matter. That is what I need you to do. Be the cause in the matter of your life, your dream, your purpose, your destiny so to say. I have said it over and over, but lets reiterate, it is all up to you. Which may seem like a burden of a whole lot of responsibility when looked at from a low vibe fear driven egotistical framework. Sure the ego does not want you to step out of your comforts and reach for bigger and greater things because that would mean uncomfortable moments and even a disintegration of all the things that make up the way you are currently. However that is what you want. You want transformation, which is inherently going to involve transforming from one state to another. It is time to quit judging yourself, and being so attached to story and meaning. You are powerful, strong, self expressed, compassionate, and so much more. What you know is that you must be in a new relationship with the structures, frameworks, and mechanisms that you exist within to dismantle the old ones and begin to make the voice of transformation louder than the voice of meaning making about the attachments you perceive to have with abandonment, failure, and rejection. First off you should probably really congratulate yourself for coming so far and never going too far off the deep end while out navigating the intricacies of changing your mind and your life. I was a very different person in some ways with some people. Incorporating an idea that you are constantly winning if you act in discordance with how you would have historically acted. The stories about how you were vs. how you are now is what need some kind of revamping of how the story goes and what it means to you. It is all fine and dandy that you occur “better” than you were to yourself. But the way that you label the person you were before is a weird way of bringing a negative connotation upon yourself without even realizing you are doing it. You perceive this past version of yourself as being so gross, rude, and down right hurtful. Even though you know that you were never all that bad or had any intention of purposefully hurting anyone. Yet the story is as if that were true. You can so easily incorporate the scum. You can just blindly accept the ordinary historic stories of how “im a loser” “im a piece of shit” “fuck my life” all of that still sounds so comfortable and familiar because on some backasswards egotistical level that is how you learned to survive whatever you perceived as a threat. So when life becomes a threat you lower your own personal esteem to prove to yourself… hmm. something. Its like if I keep myself in this totally meaning made lower vibrational state chained up with degridational language and incorporation of detrimental stories that all may not necessarily be true but occur as totally real when it comes time to be up against a challenge. It is a worry about the result of a challenge and it’s an old story and it basically can get summed up as a fear of failure. More so worry about failure because I am rarely fearful, I guess I used to be, regardless. You have kept yourself safe by puposefully holding yourself back with the chains, prison bars, and shakes of language, and at this point I want fucking out. I am allowing you to get yourself out of jail. Dang, but all I’ve ever known was jail, where do I go? What do I do? Those questions will answer themselves once you incorporate the freeing of your mental enslavement. In your heart you know what is right. You have got the goods. Be skeptical, but all be considerate to yourself, others, and the world. I feel as if I have spend more time examining the intricacies of the situation than actual putting in actionable plans to shift the narrative and create a different future than I am living into. Either way, you are doing great, and no one can take that from you, not even yourself. 902 6:27am

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