September 20th 2020 8:04am Sunday

Currently at the black elephant hostel in Portland Maine. What can I say, I cant help but feel like I fucked up. There have been several situations throughout this trip that I have felt like I was totally away from myself. Last night being the furthest from that. It’s not like I did anything bad it’s just the idea that you know if certain things like substance are not checked or regulated you take it over board every time. With no plan or clear vision to run your own personal moral compass by you tend to fall into ways of being that seemingly aren’t in line with what you want or need really. This is so meta and introspective at this point I don’t even know if I will post this one because I want to paint the picture of what happened vs. all the story and bullshit that I am so attached to. Hmm. That’s what is going on attachment to the story rather than just letting all the shit be. Ok so last night started off a little slow and I wasn’t sure quite what to do with myself. Again no plan. So you relied on substances… like usual. Went to the co-op and got a four pack. Sat outside with two other hostel people (their names have been changed for privacy) Kevin and Brittany. I pounded three cans pretty quickly. My goal at that point was to just talk and chill and possibly smoke weed. I think that intention came out the strongest into the field of possibility and the universe delivered, because I Kevin had weed and was willing to share. He is playing in a disc golf tournament today, he was all about Whole Foods selection of craft beers and bougie breweries. The other hostel mate was Brittany, she plays in a band, and also prior to the pandemic was doing tour management stuff for bands and driving people around. She was rad af, super extroverted sober punk girl that has a motorcycle rack on the back of her truck. Another friend came out as Brittany left, Alex, she’s actually currently sitting caddie corner to me doing work stuff. Sounds like a whole lot of clicking. She said she’s a designer. Regardless by the time Kevin broke the weed out it was Alex, Kevin, and me. I spliced it up a little and rolled some tobacco into the doobie. At that point I was pretty lit and feeling like raging. Kevin and Alex went to hit it and I chilled inside, a basketball game was on, Celtics vs. Heat. Another hostel-mate, Richard was all about Boston winning. The rest of the time I spent last night would be with Rich. At a point all the people at the front desk went out to get food. Rich asked if I did dabs, that’s a question that I have not had to consider in a long while. I was excited by the idea of getting higher because I was already feelin’ it. We chilled for while smoking dabs out of his nectar collector. Rich is an extraordinary human being. Being around him was very exciting. Magnanimous is the first word that comes to mind. I could tell he had a decent upper middle class job, probably some kind of finance stuff. Fuck I lost my train people are talking and I am getting bored with this story. The story goes like this, I got too fucked up off dabs. Two girls came in that were gorgeous. I took their picture on the couch. I felt awkward because of too much weed and historic insecurities. The girls were heading out for the night and there was a moment when I could, fuck I hate that word, I am so attached to that could… I could have followed them out into the night, easily, I “could” have shined like a star. But I was tired, I was cold, I felt weak, I gave up before I even started. It also is a matter of going into these cycles where I am subjecting myself to situations that put my insecurities in front of myself. The fear of rejection, abandonment and failure had washed over me and I caved. Rich even commented on it, like “you should have went with them” c’mon man that’s not what I need to hear. Look at it this way, there is nothing to be attached to but the story. You want to justify it now, be like, they weren’t my type, we didn’t click or vibe right away. How many relationships have you had that you did not vibe at first but through conversation ended up having a different outcome then the initial interaction, plenty. I’m going to keep reiterating that it isn’t worth the constant nagging of coulda woulda bullshit. Jason Silva posted a quote about being well planned and organized so you can be wild and violent with your creativity. Another justification but like if you were to be tighter with moral compass and keep your actions and behaviors in line with a code of conduct that is ongoingly leading you towards what you truly desire, then situations like this one might occur less random and chaotic, maybe actually start planning luck and coincidence. That would be nice. So what you missed out on was a night out, or you missed out on the time of a lifetime with two gorgeous blonds. Either way you are here on a kitschy shag carpet couch thing listening to some new indie stuff through an Alexa unit. I want to run away and hide after this. I want to count it as a loss, but I know it isn’t true. It’s just another excuse another reason to “waste” time on what is really true and keep yourself away from yourself.. The real win isn’t some fantastical story about how you go out with the beautiful women and have a great time. The win is taking the situation for what it is and what it was, which is just a happening that happened. Without judgement or expectation upon anything. Without allowing that itch of insecurity to come in and be like “but if only”, blah blah blah. Such a practice of mindfulness, because it is a balance of remembering to forget. “Next time” which is another fantasy, but the idea that maybe just maybe at some point you will act upon a situation with disregard to your stories. That is what the win can be continuously. The ability to act upon that first itch of action and just allow all the other reasons and justifications to do their thing without judgement. They are always going to be there. Another thing that just came to me is that the judgements you are putting on yourself are not even mine. Like the idea that I am a single male that no matter what should always be chasing every girl I encounter is a such a weird narrative that I have been thrown into. Regardless if I do or don’t, whether or not I want to or not, under the misogynistic patriarchal general consensus of American men that I have encountered. No matter what under any circumstance you are somehow less of a man for not going for it. Such a typical stupid movie plot bullshit. Just let it be a reminder that it ain’t you. You are whole, perfect, and complete, everything else is just story. The last thing is something Richard told me RBG said which was why is it that it is such a outlandish idea to have all the seats of the Supreme Court be held by women when they have all been held by men historically forever. Breath, let it go, move forward.1299 9:01am

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