September 10th 2020 Thursday 5:27am

I can’t remember anything, can’t tell if this is true or dream, but deep down inside I feel the screams, this terrible silence stops me. Except it isn’t silent the crickets and cicadas are humming along to the beat. How neat would it be to write something so profound that it carried itself through the hearts and souls of so many open recipients. How cool would it be to actually use your voice to transmit the good word and make an ever lasting impression on anyone that can pick it up. You can do it. The power is in your hands. It may seem like since you “don’t know how” yet that it is already a failure but that is only ego and safety mechanisms talking. Maybe this is the thing that I claim to not know how to do. Maybe I am doing it and I am so blinded by worry of expectation and judgment that I am to fully acknowledging and integrating the greatness that flows through me. Some days I feel like I am forcing whatever this is to have it look so type of “ideal” way to keep it inside a box to resent to people who like boxes. Then there are times when I feel the flow coalescing into something else. Something that is transcendent. Either way I am here for it, sometimes it feels like I have no choice but to continue. I read a Facebook post from a friend I met through the festivals last night and have been thinking about it a lot. It was about a growing sense of pessimism within them. They got a good job, a new place, about to get a car yet they said they feel as lost and unfulfilled as ever. Boy can I relate. I want to reach out and just say whats up, maybe just that small gesture could be enough to spark some kind of everlasting confidence in the universe. Maybe everything is the way it is for a reason. Then even deeper, and the part that the ego is continually resistant of, is the idea that even though there is seemingly a reason things happen or get brought up, you as the knowing individual that has a choice need not have a reason to act upon any motivation. Like if I want to only write about horrific murderous lunatics than you can and should and you shouldn’t have to have some kind of reason either way. Same goes for less brutal things like being charismatic. You can analyze it all you want but in the moment all it takes is the choice to either be or not to be that way. This makes me reflect on how I have been, and how long I have been the ways I am being and how that has shaped the way I view myself and the world. I recalled two moments this morning, the first came up because I was thinking about how after this weekend I have a week off and at this point have no plan. That made me think of the SELP (self expression & leadership program) I did through landmark education. The last thing we had to do was make a speech about where we were, where we are, and where we are going with the life and the project we were supposed to develop through the program. We were encouraged to rehearse the speech and have upwards of five minutes of content to share. My ordinary way of being was confronted by this and resisted. I did not plan anything, so I had nothing to rehearse. I figured I could just wing it, I can’t remember much of anything I said at first, probably tried to say something goofy and played the fool to get people to laugh like I have historically done. Then there was this moment that I realized I had nothing prepared and I froze, probably only for a few seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. I just stood there in front of a whole room of people watching the clock tick down on the iPhone in the back that was letting us know when we were to wrap it up. Not sure if I gathered enough of myself to start talking again to break up the awkward silence or someone else chimed in to help progress the speech but in that moment it felt like another one of the justified fails that I have historically and continuously subjected myself to. That moment is the same moment that I have subjected myself to on multiple occasions. The moment is a confirmation for ego or safety mechanisms to have a reason to not only get down on yourself but to also retreat even further away from anything that could possibly bring up that kind expectation to perform. It’s like I subconsciously sabotaged myself to show myself that I can’t and shouldn’t do anything that could be perceived as dangerous. Even if it is something that actually poses no danger at all, like “performing” in front of people. I wanted to relate the experience to two other instance that lead to this resistance. First was in fourth or fifth grade. I was feeling really good about my ability to perform at the time because I participated in a play where I had one line and got to act like I was conducting an orchestra with a french fry. From what I can remember I nailed it, so I figured I should audition for another performance. While waiting in line to go into the music room I was talking with a friend about what to do and what to expect. They explained that we had to sing a song for the audition. Not sure if they said it as a joke or not but they recommended just singing something simple like the happy birthday song. The moment I started singing I knew I fucked up, I knew that wasn’t the song I should be singing to impress anyone. I obviously didn’t get to be in the performance because I pretty much shot myself in the foot before I even auditioned. I shied away from any and everything else where I had to impress anyone with anything. Funny the way memory works because thinking about these moments seem like it was that moment in grade school, a moment senior year, and then that moment at selp. The moment senior year was when I had to present my senior project. We had nearly the whole school year to prepare it, and in usual procrastinate fashion I waited until the night before to attempt to pull something together. My project was on how the moon and planets had a direct impact on humans and our behaviors. Funny thinking back to how deep of a subject that was and how much information is out there about it, but the internet was kind of different back then, or I just wasn’t looking in the right spots because from what I can remember I wasn’t able to find anything that I could use to formulate a good argument. Regardless, I typed up a bunch of nonsense, and made a real quick shitty hand drawn poster and though I was ready. All the people that went before me had actually put time and effort into the project. I mean it was like the final accomplishment of our entire time in high school. I was incredibly nervous because I barely knew what I was talking about and had been getting way too high to make any sense. I realized all of this at once when I was standing in front of the class attempting to explain something that I knew nothing about. I froze, seconds went by, total silence, I will never be so thankful for someone else as I am for a classmate named Grace of course, she saw I was floundering and chimed in with a question that continued the conversation, thank god for her. Weird how I never though about how two Graces graced my life and changed it for the better. I should thank both of them. But yea from that moment senior year until the selp I made sure to not let something like that happen again. Then when it came time to make my final speech I repeated the same habit that has been there since grade school. You gotta break this up. You gotta get a win around your fear of performing or you are destined to repeat… 1428 6:33am

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