October 6th 2020 Tuesday 5:32am

I truly feel as conflicted and confused as ever, however I also feel as confident and competent as ever. The duality never goes away it just get deeper on both sides. Seems pretty absurd, and really it is. Both sides are nothing but perception and meaning making. None of the things I think and feel about myself are absolutely true which leaves wiggle room everywhere for improvement and progress. I know what it takes and that seems to be all the more reason why I am not doing more. I really don’t want to discredit all the things that you are doing. For instance my intentions yesterday were to write, on here and on a page in the book and go to the gym, that was really it, and I am pleasantly surprised I even got that much done on account of the constant chatter of motivations telling me I should just put it off. I did the things and that is a win, you won yesterday. The flip side is that there are several vague intentions lingering in the ether, mostly just the hopeful thinking about how I might feel motivated enough to tackle a seemingly more difficult task. The one at the forefront of though is cleaning my room. The thought was there, yet no plan was made, no time was allotted, and inevitably no movement was made in that department. And ya know what, it is ok, it’s ordinary. Nothing happened, you aren’t in any danger, all the things you could think about how having a dirty room reflects back on your character are all made up. The only thing that it means is that I have no ground to stand on when placing judgement on the hierarchal structures. It’s a weird thought I know, but I am starting to really get intu the idea that it is the individuals personal responsibly that supports the changes that are needed and wanted in the world. The unfortunate fate of being a slave in an unfair system may be true on so many levels. However if I can’t muster up the respect for myself enough to simply clean up the spaces I reside than the room I have to talk shit on the environmental conditions lessens dramatically. The difference between commenting on the world at large when you have a personal world full of disorder versus commenting when you have tightened up your personal world is the individual willing to do everything within their power to organize things on a small scale is way more prepared to organize on a large scale. The revolution will not come from a bunch of winey overly privileged people upset that they weren’t given ideal situations. The revolution will be a experience of many individuals being in action about taking responsibility for themselves and their surroundings to the best of their ability which will lead to stronger foundations when expanded into groups and communities. The general consensus of electing officials, voting, and demonstrating are allowances given to us by the system to keep us weak. The real change comes from inside. As someone that has been on both sides of this argument, I do recognize the strong resistance within myself about personal responsibility. I am not in any way claiming that I am doing my absolute best to take care of and tighten up all the things that I want to do and know I am capable of. However there are many areas that I have progressed in by taking responsibility for what I am capable of changing and making incremental changes to move towards those goals. The interesting thing I just thought of is that moving towards goals does not mean perfection. What first comes to mind is my experience with consumption over the past several years. I have gone from allowing myself to purchase and consume mostly anything from conventional retailers, fast food, and restaurants to cutting most if not all options down to only purchasing stuff from the place I work. That isn’t to say that I have completely eliminated everything undesirable, I have been simply doing my best to avoid what I want to avoid. Also I have been through the motions of blaming the institution itself for my decisions. Judging, blaming, and spouting off about insufficiencies of lets say McDonalds only gives the entity more power by drawing from the negative energy you put out. Then not only are you putting out negative energy that is just converted into viable resources by the establishment, you rob yourself by basically ingesting the poison you created expecting the other party to get sick. Then the whole time you are just denying how much you are bringing more of what you don’t want into existence by focusing on it, even if your focus is centered on the elimination of wicked global organizations. Just one individual is not capable of generating enough energy to create any noticeable change in the big picture. Especially if that person isn’t doing their best to progress what they are capable of changing on a personal individual level. Get your shit together, get yourself out, then reach back and pull someone else out. It is simple but difficult facing yourself straight where you are really at without blame and judgement. It is easy to blame any and everything else for your troubles, generally people rely on it to survive. Creating the shift towards abundance and gratitude is what has lead me to advocating for myself rather than playing into blame upon a perceived story. It has taken a while too, but I feel like if I can do it anyone can. 944 6:53am

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