October 4th 2020 Sunday 5:30am

Time just keeps on flying by without a plan, without a guide. I feel like I am failing, falling into the darkness that can so easily consume one who lets life get to them. If you could just remember that you are loving awareness and that you are in this world, but not of it. You should get that shit tattooed on your wrist so maybe you can take a moment and regroup from a place of compassion and love. I want to be able to stop forgetting, ya know remember that I do know how to get back intu myself. Yesterday for example I let my guard down. The combination of taking things personally and sugar got the best of me. The sugar is the real culprit, because I have become conditioned to grab some food when I feel an itch of stress, and most everything has sugar in it. My entire environment at work is just one will power exercise after another. Not only do I have to complete actual work for the job itself. The secondary position I take on is like a constant will power assignment that involves constantly fighting the urge to not grab more sugary treats. Most of the time my secondary job of self control is harder and more bothersome then the actual work. This is all due to the fact that the toxic poison we call sugar wreaks havoc on all my major bodily systems. Then the dialogue I have with myself is effected since I feel like I can’t control the compulsion. Which inevitably leads to a cycle of detrimental thought and behaviors that reinforce each other. I eat because I am stressed, I am stressed because of what I eat. At this point I want to say that you know better too, but that only drives more fatalistic thoughts leading to more detrimental behavior. The fatalistic thought thing is what I want to dive into. Even right now I am doing my best to calm my worried mind into just being with the result of actions without judgement. It ain’t that serious, it ain’t that big of a deal, and what you perceive definitely ain’t necessarily so. So calm the fuck down, you were sore and cranky and ate too much candy, so it goes. Except the judgmental story teller wants to paint a totally different picture as if you are some raving lunatic that has no self control and will always be this way and there is nothing that could help this major detriment to your character so you might as well shut down, turn off, and revert back to the dark comfortable place where you can eat all the crap food and candy you want without having to bother or be bothered by any of the burdens of this cruel little world. The conversation between the multitude of ways of being that I, or any human finds themselves in at any given time is truly phenomenal. The idea alone that we have such conflicting voices howling for attention at all times is pure comedy. It’s like the argument is happening between the several loudest voices. One side is the fatalistic judgmental story tellers that view everything as a threat and are doing their best to convince you that isolating and hiding is the only way to handle this cruel dark place. Then on the other side you have the new guys in town that are caring, empathetic, and loving without judgement of any and all situations you may find yourself in. They are indisputably convinced that the universe is full of unconditional love and abundance and all beings within it’s consciousness are afforded all they could ever need and want so there is no reason to ever worry. Then the whole time while these two major parties are gathering their evidence to support their argument hundreds of other voices are trying their best to get the attention of conscious thought. The majority of which are intentions not fully given enough energy to manifest so they just reside as ideas. You should buy a boat, you should go hiking, you should jump out of a plane, how about you tell someone they look nice, maybe make plans to see a show, I know go get pizza, yes pizza would be nice, and wings! how about a movie, popcorn! Go find dogs to pet, get a haircut, buy clothes, buy a television, buy anything, go on Facebook, download software, upgrade hardware, get back into art, run, swim, take an acting class, brush your teeth, brush your hair, take a vacation, take a nap, buy lottery tickets, do that thing that you always wanted to do but are to worries about failing at so it you never gave it enough energy to flourish, and the list goes on and on. I could sit here for the rest of today just listing all the things that are squawking for attention. While this is all occurring my physical body begins to feel sick and weird and then the two most important voices chime in, drink water, and breath. Generally the most important things are somehow lost in the jumbled mess of ideas. I should just get H2O and O2 tattooed on my fucking wrist. Regardless this has been fun painting a picture of the constant conversations occurring. Lets elaborate on this some more another time because I am done for today and I want to get a move on. OK Love You BYE! 920 6:43am

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