October 21st 2020 Wednesday 5:33am

I all of a sudden feel really agitated. Woke up feeling physically great, mentally a bit scattered but good. Now that I am taking a moment to navigate my thoughts there is nothing but anger and regret present. I could go into all the same shit stories and reasons why I am this way and how some part of me is using it to keep itself safe and be stuck in survival mode, but fuck that shit, I have already done that a thousand times. Cycling around the bullshit is not doing me any good to lessen it. Let go. You already forgot, or more so you were convinced otherwise by the shit story. I was at work the other day away from myself in a shit story and I felt like I knew it consciously and I kept trying to take bigger deeper breaths but it was as if part of me made it feel uncomfortable to breath because it knew that it’s reign of control was in jeopardy. That thing, “it” I’ll name it for reference is only concerned with consuming external stimuli. “It” runs off the shit story internal dialogue to keep you, the object in a made up story, safe and pacified. Yesterday was real heavy with the “not enough” “people don’t like or want me” dialogue. I know it isn’t true, but you take it so personally. Even if it were to be true somehow, ya know that no one you interact with “likes” you, then why are you beating yourself up over not getting some false sense of approval? If no one was to like you then why would it even matter what they thought of you? Why would it matter what you thought of them? It’s all just such programmed bullshit that stems from abandonment and self worth issues that clearly will either always be here. I either have to figure out how to navigate around them or feel them out completely until it becomes boring. One side, the “it” side has a convincing argument about “oh woe is me, nobody likes me, so I shouldn’t do anything too expressive that could lead to feeling vulnerable, that might give up to much of myself, to make sure that doesn’t happen I will cater to all the stuff I assume that they would want to keep myself in their good graces so I can be liked and wanted by someone.” “Please don’t leave me, I am so alone.” See how you even have to be overly nice about it, please? What the fuck is that, like if someone is going to leave you including a pathetic please probably isn’t going to change their mind. Their? Who the fuck are they? This is a questionable narrative, the idea that there is someone else. The interactions we have with others do define us in many ways yes, but when we are acting out shit stories the other person could be anyone that we either assume is some way or project how we imagine them, so in the end you really don’t know them. When in the shit story you treat everyone as your closest connections, in my case, my parents. When in the shit you are coming from a place where you believe you have to do something or have something to get approval. I would even simply acknowledging existence, but it is twisted in the sense that it has to be some kind of validation that I am worthwhile. Someone could acknowledge my existence and believe that I am invalid and not worthwhile, so there has to be some kind of approval attached to it. Why the fuck does this all have to mean so much and be so fucking serious. You know you are great regardless of anyone else’s perceptions, but the trauma is so deeply rooted in most of my experience that the evidence is everywhere for why I feel I have to continue being the same way about it. I am so triggered by my parents and I play into the fantasies so hard when I am around them. Inadequate, worthless, forgettable, are all things that come to mind because of minute incidents that happened a very long time ago. Expectations are also part of the apparent disdain since I have fleeting hopes that things will somehow be different and they will act in a way that make me feel more valid. But since I am in such shit about it, I end up getting more evidence to why I am unworthy. Which in turn becomes a cycle of abused becomes abuser because since I perceive my existence as being invalid or worthless I in turn treat others that way, especially my parents. It is such spiteful behavior. Purposefully withholding any praise or even just acknowledgment of existence because I feel as if you have purposefully hurt me, so I am going to do the same in return. What a fucked up trip.831

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