October 18th 2020 5:33am Sunday

This house makes a lot of house noises, the heater, the fridge, the neighbors, the kitchen lights, the road outside. Even in moments of what seems like silence, something is always buzzing, clicking, swirling, creaking, clanging. I have gotten as used to it as I can. So it goes. Sometimes I sit here for minutes watching the steam wisp up from the foam on the surface of the coffee. Most of the time I feel like I have nothing good to say, specifically about myself. Nothing but a mind full of judgement and regret. And as fast as the thoughts come in about what I am lacking, the thoughts analyzing the behavior and justifying it flow through to ease the apparent suffering I tend to cause myself. Then thats it, I’m off to the races. The coffee kicks in and I begin to move through the words at a steadier pace. Until I am stopped again by the thoughts that I might want to be writing about something specific, important, progressive. If I haven’t established a point to why I do this then why is there constantly a feeling that I am wasting the time spent in front of this screen clicking away on the keys. Is it only to please a goal of hitting a certain amount of words? There is something more, a fleeting hope, an expectation really, that this practice is leading me towards getting better. Except without establishing an objective for when better is, and how to get there, then when and how the fuck would I know? Everyday I wrestle with this dichotomy. The goal is to hit seven fifty, thats it. Anything else is an unfounded expectation. The expectations make it seem like somethings missing. The thoughts and feelings attached to the expectations are like the steam from the coffee. They wisp up within you, showing themselves for a moment, then they fade away. It’s as if there is already words on this page and all I am doing is filling in the blanks. If the only reason to do this is to get to a certain word count why not just write the same word over and over again? Why not just disregard anything meaningful? Why not make absolute nonsense out of these symbols? The word count isn’t the only goal then, inside of the the agreement is a deeper meaning that the words that add up to the count must at least be comprehensible. Also it seems that beyond being able to be comprehended as words and sentences that make some kind of sense, the meaning behind the content is also wrapped up in the hidden expectations of this practice. I probably wouldn’t bother doing this at all if the stuff I wrote was barely comprehensible and totally meaningless. So really there are deeper expectations that you are not addressing. I want to try and write something meaningless and incomprehensible. Maggot potato burst flying pelican grenade plot formulation happiness. How about that? Why not try to write a whole page of nonsensical combinations of meaningless words. Fuck, now I’m caught up on meaning because of how subjective it is for each individual and how anyone could interpret anything as something different than another. What a long strange trip this continues to be. Long enough for me to have lost sight of where I have been. Never knowing where I am going. The trip will require strength and courage. I know I have what it takes. Yet getting there hasn’t happened yet, and I see no end in sight. Maybe it’s time for a rest. Take some moments to cleanse yourself of experience. All it is, is a shit story, you choose to make it real, you choose to keep it going. Do the numbers mean I’m really on track? What track? Something measurable? A place with a beginning and an end? Being physical is such a drag, but I’m sure we’ll miss it when it’s gone. I am in it to win it. I’m here for it. Let us keep moving onward, outward, inward, and upward. Make any meaning you want, because at this point I am in a race to hit the count. Nothing more but a bunch of words, slightly comprehensible, totally meaningless. Until you read them and create your own interpretations. Every time I find myself here at the end, I feel no fear. I finished the coffee, I don’t want to be late. I got it all together so I can get better at falling apart. Maybe I’m simply looking for something physical as if it isn’t already there. 771

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