October 16th 2020 Friday 5:23am

After weeks of doing this thing it feels like it’s always Friday, or Monday or what have you. The silly thoughts of tiredness and loneliness are swirling around my brains giving me a sense that today somehow already has a low vibe to it. Then again every day can’t be a high vibe. You state that as if it is true. Every day has the possibility of being any fucking vibe it might be. I pulled the five of cups this morning, disappointment. I have historically pulled this card very often. My interpretation is that my emotions seem to be in a constant state of disappointment. I so easily forget what I know. The past two days I have been back at work and I forgot all the things I wanted to focus on. I got myself caught up in the pool of emotions that working with a bunch of people tends to be. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just something I need to actively be conscious of the states of awareness that I am in more often. The more evolved version of me would prepare for the bombardment of energy and intention. Then throughout the time spent have a trick to remind myself that when I find myself in a shit story I always have an opportunity to come back to myself. I know how it feels to be with myself and away, and even as well as I handle things I was definitely away from myself for the past two days. The fleeting moments of actual relatable interactions are what bring me back. Outside of that it feels as if I am constantly ruminating, simply too attached to judgement and expectation. Hmm. Thats a shit story. The coffee just kicked in. Today I am giving zero fuck about what the fuck I type intu this mother fucker, fuck you, fuck this, I am not feeling all inspired to say anything motivating or dive into some kind of deeper analysis of narratives, even though that is what inevitably happens. It’s hard man, it’s hard when you are in the shit story so attached to the expectation. In retrospect it is so easy to see, yet in moments as they pass it all just seems so much more serious. It feels clingy, like as if my thoughts and actions are super duper fucking important and everyones watching and judging. I’m sorry to break it to ya champ but the everyone you speak of is just you, which means no one actually care or notices because they are all too caught up in their own shit to pay any mind to your suffering. I’ve said before I want a fucking tattoo on my wrist to remind me to breath and drink water. Something to get me back into myself ongoingly. Set reminder on your phone, wear a bracelet, enroll someone else in your striving for conscious embodiment and keep each other on track, anything. That would be step one, step two is actually being in a moment where you are reminded to get back to yourself and disregarding the attachment to expectation motivations and coming back home. What would be that trigger? I want to pretend that some assortment of meaningful words, a mantra so to say, would be enough to snap me back into myself, but I really don’t know because I haven’t been there yet. Words like breath, aspire, expand come to mind. Mantras like, expand in love, aspire higher, breath intu life sound all fine and dandy but nothing is really ringing in my heart like yes. Believe intu love, I like that weirdness. The point would be to remember to breath I guess, hopefully that works right? I just tried it and it kind of worked. I paused for a few minutes feeling tired and dull and I did exactly what I am writing about and took some big conscious breaths and then here I am again. The part that was somewhat unexpected was the resistance. I’m not acknowledging that some part of me wants to keep that tired dull bullshit going. It seems that the moments away from myself are when the detrimental behavior patterns creep in and spout off about all the reasons why you should be attachments to expectations. You allow yourself a few moments of dull tired dialogue and thats become evidence enough that something is wrong, then because something is wrong you attach to an expectation that things shouldn’t be this way. If and when you let this pattern get too loud you begin to forget quickly who and what you are. Meaning you attach to the story rather than what you know is true. You become the dull tired attachment rather than simply acknowledging that things come and go. Let go. That is a good reminder because that is what it feels like. It feels like something has crawled into my chest and was like hey could I bother you to hold this for a moment? and I’m like sure thing, seems pretty reasonable to hold something for a little bit, then everything keeps on moving and I am then holding a fucking feeling as if I’m a shelf where you can just place things and walk away. I like that analogy, I’m not a fucking shelf bruh, you don’t have to hold anything, and if you feel like you are holding things then simply just remembering that you can let that shit go and empty the motherfucker is a good practice. Let it go. 925

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