October 14th 2020 5:22am Wednesday

Courage is overcoming your fears. I pulled the seven of wands today, courage. The card represents acknowledging your fears and having the courage to face them. It gets me thinking about what I fear the most. I have recently shifted my mindset towards defining things as worry rather than fear because most things I tend to feel anxiety about aren’t actual fears. Anxiety about looking bad, being accepted, changing behavior that goes against the script which has a possibility of leaving the current behaviors useless are all worries that easily get confused with fear. Fear is that deep dark shit that you distract yourself with the worries so you don’t even have to go there. Fear is being totally exposed to actual danger. Generally as long as you aren’t dealing with a violent psychotic person there is no danger in conversation. However I am sure that there are conversations that have a consequence of leading to physical danger. There is definitely a fine line, but I like to think generally people don’t want to get hurt or hurt others so I am going to stray away from investigating the psychotic outliers that I have no doubt exist. Most of the time the worry is caused by an attachment to some kind of “looking good, to avoid looking bad” behavior or pattern. I feel like I am flip flopping hard between theory and actual expression of what it’s like. Also I don’t really know where I am going with this so bear with me as I attempt to uncover something through the act of this writing practice. The meta thing that comes to mind is the worry I have about actually expressing real shit through these words. Probably part of the reason I tend to over analyze and theorize rather than say it how it really is for me. I worry constantly about the general idea of “looking good,” whether it be how I look, how I sound, what I say, how I express myself, all that and more, and I know it’s totally ordinary, it’s part of the human condition, nearly everyone is plagued with some version of existential worry about who and what they are. I worry that my sentences run on and are too long, and I will be judged as someone who doesn’t know how to write properly. I worry that someone will read this and think it is bullshit nonsense. Thats the thing about all of this that is so ridiculous and possibly the way you can tell the difference between worry and fear is that worries have more to do with comparison to others or an ideal than they have to do with danger. Maybe? I feel like I wanted to focus more on fear than worry but the more I write and think about it I don’t even know what the hell fear is for me. Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion brought upon by the threat of danger or pain. Fuck this is so subjective because everyone experiences “pain” differently. The subtle nuance between worry and fear can be totally different from one person to another. See I did it again went from personal shit into theory. I seemingly have a decent tolerance for pain, which might explain why I feel like there aren’t many things I am actually fearful of. What am I fearful of? One seemingly obvious thing is loved ones passing either too early, in suffering, or without expressing how I truly feel. That’s the thing that keeps ringing in my ear is regret from not expressing how I truly feel. Fearing that moment when it’s too late and you missed out on the opportunity that has been glaring you in the face for so long but you chose to worry about other distractions or the consequences rather than taking the action that you know needed to be taken. Seems like a pretty legitimate fear, it is right on the borderline but when all the worry adds up won’t it inevitable lead to fear? This has brought up all kinds of feels, it really makes me think about what is truly important. The thing that seems to be most important is expressing what is true to me. I feel trapped in myself right now, I feel trapped in my shit stories, I feel trapped in the ways of being that have kept me safe up until this point. I feel uneasy because this has brought up the finiteness of the time I have been granted to do what I feel called to do. I’m angry about it; worried, sad, and anxious. I want to call out, sleep in, run away, avoid, neglect, and burn all the bridges and just leave everything behind. This must be what fear is.799

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