October 13th 2020 Tuesday 7:13am

It is way later than you think. I stayed up late so I slept in late so the day is a solid three hours shorter than a usual day. I feel alright though for now. I turned to substances last night. some part of me really wants to believe that you are depressed. So depressed that when you feel good like you did yesterday you turn to a depressant to bring yourself down. By the end of the evening after drinking a bit too much as per usual I reminisced about the some of the first experiences I had drinking. Two particular moments stand out as experiences that shifted my perspective about how I could be when I was very drunk. I was able to be something I could not without it, and I could push the limit of how much I could handle unlike any other challenge I had up until that point. Both instances I was very young fourteen or fifteen, the first involved a bottle of rumple mintz and my first intimate experience with a female and the other involved a handle of vodka and blacking out so bad that there is very little memory of the evening. So it goes. I don’t really feel like expanding on it any more. I would rather write about the ways I know how to heal the trauma. The memories will always be there, the feelings, the tones, the thoughts, the dreams. You get to decide what it means to you. It meant more than but still means something like I’m weird, awkward, not enough, no one likes me, I’m emotionally suppressed, and I gots all kinds of nasty thoughts about myself and the world I have to interact with which is what lead me to substances at a young age. That’s the story, and it is totally human nature to believe the story that you created. It’s the most important thing you got, it gives a ground for all other things to stand upon. Since I’m awkward I can only do awkward things. It creates a restriction on parts of your character that the fear driven mechanisms view as being dangerous. If you can really get that it was all just a mechanism, a machine, a complex complex, then maybe you can create an updated version that runs more heart centered programming. I like to think you know enough to understand that some part of this thing you call “you” created it in order to keep yourself safe from some perceived danger, and this creation is not physical. Which makes it almost more tricky to deal with because it’s nowhere and everywhere always. Also the thing about memories, narratives, behaviors, traumas, all that jazz is that apparently it is all stored somewhere within us, probably forever. The paths to learned reactions may always be there, however our perception can shift. Reactions that have strong connections to a stimulus that are repeated often are robust, thicker, deeper, easier for energy to flow the way it always has. The connection is what makes reactions to trauma so real. Lessening the connection, and creating new pathways to other ways of being is the only thing we have conscious control over. Change your mind, change your world, Joe Dispenza shit, it’s been proven with science and shit, I know, but taking it from the theory to the practice is the work, and even the though triggers some historic mildly traumatic reaction to putting in work. The connections between “not wanting to” when put up to a task and getting away with the not doing are seemingly quite strong. I obviously understand on some level that it is possible because I have been able to shift the dialogue about plenty of things but this idea of actually playing on the court is still the main drag that I perceive to be the scariest thing. Even simply planning something out is seemingly impossible from the perspective of the spectator. I actively want to make a big fuss about all the reasons and justifications why it is this way and why I do things the way I do and how I perceive that nothing will ever work out and I would rather wait it out for the random chance occurrence and that makes me more sporadic and free or whatever, but maybe, actually more like definitely all that shit ain’t whats so. What so is whats so and you’re either in or out. The reasons, excuses, justifications are a way to act like you “want” to be in but your really out, and even weirder is you create a fantasy of some middle ground. It’s like you are in the spectator stands at a sports game but you aren’t even watching or interacting, instead you have recreated the live game in digital form on a device and you’re commenting on the fantasy game. Your excuses are no better than fantasy football bruh.826

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