October 12th 2020 5:15am Monday

I missed yesterday. I spent my morning writing time finishing Fridays post. It is much more of a challenge to write about something specific then it is to ramble on commenting about the interactions between internal dialogues and what actually gets transmitted to text, then over analyze it all and relating it back to my stories and supposed lack and weaknesses based on perceived defeats. Way easier to just run on sentence and pretend like any of it has any meaning outside of simply observing. Yesterday was depressing, it was a vibe. So easily I can get fooled into thinking its all me. When I’m in it like I was yesterday I tend to completely disregard the idea that maybe it ain’t necessarily so. I tend to assume people are all somehow better off than me and it’s me who is the reason why they are acting the way they are. For example yesterday it seemed like everyone I greeted was at a lower vibe than normal, I took it personally and subconsciously figured it was somehow my fault. Fuck this is such silly behavior. It started early, after the first interaction that didn’t quite play out the way I imagined it would I reverted to over analyzation and inward protection mode. Amazing how fast and seamless it can occur. There is a whole other level to not taking things personally that I may not have seen before. Every interaction, every time, is a projection, nothing has to do with you, nothing anyone else does or says ever has anything to do with you. Somehow you gotta get that straight, it ain’t you, you have no responsibility for how anyone else is being. Simply realizing that maybe being surrounded by a bunch of other hopelessly hoping depressed messes may be a contributing factor to why you feel low in the moment would be greatly appreciated. Regardless of the epiphanies you’re having when you are lighter and more in yourself, yesterday was just blah. By the time I got home all I could think about was turning to substances, food, or endlessly scrolling on my phone. I did the minimum of each category because I know deep down somewhere none of that stuff helps, if anything it makes things worse later. I stretched, listened to music, wrote, played guitar, and read. I played guitar for over thirty minutes, crying for over half of it. It wasn’t until I my fingers couldn’t take any more that I decided to pull a card and read some of the book. I pulled equilibrium which was all about emotional self sufficiency. At that point I realized I had won, I sat with myself, with all the apparent sadness and anxiety and just fucking sat with it. I feel proud of myself for being strong enough to just be with the emotions. I feel like I accomplished a lot last night by not reaching for the substances that I have historically used to suppress my emotions. Still so much to learn, still so much to uncover, still so much to strive for. Yet I feel like the practices I have been incorporating are so important to holding the whole thing together. Part of me feels a pull to actually dive in and claim sobriety. It has been days since I drank or smoked. However without a restriction I am bound to fall back. Substances are all I have ever been able to turn to to make me “feel” better about all the lack, the insecurity, the worry I perceive. Except after the instant gratification is over the result is always the same. The emotions are still there and generally they feel worse because of the major imbalances substances tend to create. I’m going to pull a card and see what it has to say. Nurturing, the three of worlds is what I got. It says the harvest is near, take the extra step to ensure success. I interpret it as taking care of myself. Even though the chaotic self destructive tendencies were pleading their case last night, I chose to take the side of the nurturer who encourages growth and development over short term resolutions that generally lead to deepening the issues. All I can think about now is the number of times I have turned to substance versus the few and far between instances of nurturing self reflection. Part of me wants to just forget about the majority of my twenties because I didn’t know any better. The past year I feel like I can finally control the reactions that have historically lead me to substances. Part of me want to be like, “took you long enough.” But the loving nurturing part of me knows that I am right on time. K Love You BYE! 800

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