November 9th 2020 6:59am Monday

Just finished up yesterdays page and I got to a moment trying to synthesize all the stuff I have in my head about life, purpose, and well being. I watched a YouTube video that compiles all of Russ’s best lines on pessimism from true detective. I never really analyzed the one line he has about seeing the acceptance in the victims faces. He talks about the game of time, how it’s a flat circle. How it’s all a dream from inside a locked box. Something very telling about this experience can be seen on the faces of the murder victims. Up until the moments of death they were living in sheer terror, and he concludes that he can tell that when that final moment occurs their expression changes to a willing acceptance, an almost childlike wonder of who and what you are, how you played the game, and what the point is. All of the tension seems to ball up and disappear in a moment. He comments that realizing it was all something other than what you perceived it to be. All the fretting, all the holding on to the tension of who you are being, what your going what your doing, why your doing anything, and how it all looks to yourself, others, and the gods, Apparently in those final moments of waking life the expression on the faces portrays a vision of what I can explain as unconditional love. Imagine your whole life never experiencing real unconditional love, then in the most horrific turn of events you are kidnapped and tortured up until the moments your life leaves your body and in those very last moments you are presented with what is and always has been there. Nothing like anything you have ever felt or experienced. In contrast to the grotesque nature of the worst kinds of humans it seemed like the kindest gift anyone could receive. Like millions of warm hugs from loved ones all undoubtably assuring you that everything will be alright. Later in the evening yesterday I watched a live video Chevrin from cymbiotika did about his blood cleaning stuff. He talked about the power of blood and how it carries information throughout the body. Then he went on to say even though he is here talking, doing things he is not his blood, or even his body. Behind all is what is behind all. I am trying to make the correlation between the true detective view of the veil that there is something behind all of this. Whatever that thing is creates an inviting and pleasurable expression on the faces of those who meet “it” in their final moments. It’s now 5:32am on 11/10 and I want to elaborate more on all of this but I realize the time and energy needed to research what I am trying to convey would be cumbersome because you know this is a real hefty subject that philosophers have been pondering for millennia so it would be wise to just settle with what you think you know. Which is that we are possibly finite, possibly eternal beings, maybe entities, even just photons and particles collapsing all part of some crystal consciousness field, or maybe. not I really don’t know. But as human being we are experiencing time, so maybe time is just a prerequisite for something else? Maybe what Paul Chek says about this plane of existence being a playground for souls. So much of what I heard rings true, I feel it, I experience it, but I can never be sure if it is simply suggestion or the authentic truth of consciousness. It would be nice to surrender to the idea that reality is just an illusion, nothing is real, and you are here to play. You want to relate “play” to something fun, but the kind of play seems to be more geared at simply just participating or expecting to immediately get some kind of pleasure. Play in this case means know the rules and play the game as it is meant to be played. Maybe the light and resonance of crystal consciousness is all everything. I just had a fleeting moment of letting go and my ego was like nope me me me. Wow that was cool, I can see why this will end up taking time, energy, and practice. Thats the point I’m trying to make is that even if my idea of myself as an individual may not necessarily be so. As in it doesn’t seem to ring true that there is even an I, or me. The best words to describe what the collective might be a cluster, or a swirl of consciousness that has been afforded to all human being life forms just like all other lifeforms. So like behind it all we are all one, all soul guided by spirit. I would like to believe we are all divine, but that doesn’t make you special, because again, we are ALL divine, so there is no separation in divinity, every living being is connected by this net of divinity. Yet we feel separate and we are upset and shitty about it. We are divine being stuck in a shit story is what I’ve been trying to say. The game is simple but difficult, the one rule is to remember you are not your shit story. Separating from the shit story is the journey, truth is found if sought after. Who knows if maybe the separation occurs on a primal level as a survival mechanism. Maybe god really did break themselves into an infinitesimal amount of pieces and scattered it everywhere in order to play a game to forget. Either way, all I think I know is love is the way to go.960

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