November 15th 2020 6:45am Sunday

Everyday shit, finally getting back into a groove of having at least some time to type out all this shit. Hey maybe what this all means is that for the next five, ten, twenty years you are going to be a mediocre writer but then boom you get the deal of a lifetime to write about ecstatic experiences. Photo, video, and written word about experiences is something I would love to do. I wrote yesterday about what the fuck would I do if I knew the cage was unlocked, the bars were broken, what would I do? I would try my best to get everyone on the bandwagon of self love, liberty, free critical thought, and sovereignty. That is what I feel is the realest, that is the deepest most important cause. Also as I have said to Colis a bunch of times on the phone, I would coach people on how to get to the place where they want to go, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I want to aspire to be more of a polymath, except fuck all the academic shit. I want to be a spiritualized mastermind that takes all aspects of this funky cage we are in and transcends barriers and bondage. I guess because it is right on the tip of my finger I should comment about actual occurrences in my world. I keep going over to the skatepark and feeling better and better. Except now I really do need to get some proper footwear because last night I mashed my right toe into the ground and it damn near pulled the whole front part of the sole off. I went around the park towards he launch into the circle and bitched out doing a barspin like five time. The last time I mashed my toes into the ground, it was cold enough the pain resonated and had me start getting worrying about it actually being damaged. I should have just thrown the fucking bars, thats the moral of this story, not only would you have the glory of doing the trick you probably wouldn’t have busted your toe the way you did. It’s fucking bonkers to me that this wrist thing convinced me to get out of riding for over a decade now. Currently it is still achey from the impacts of last night. I did do a 180 off a bar height ledge I was hopping up. I hopped up a lot of things, it felt good to do some physical activity. But yea the point is throw the fucking bars because you are gonna mash your toe if you don’t so you might as well go for the glory rather than bitch out and end up fucking yourself more than you would have. Other than that I guess I can get back to complaining about other things. Oh I guess I forgot to complain about being sore or whatever but that’s kind of expected, actually not even as sore as I thought I’d be. Sleep was weird af last night though. One of those sleeps that felt like I closed my eyes and then the alarm went off, out cold, but light slumber or something. Also the feels around lingering dreams I can’t recall. Not smoking is great and all but the dream thing is something so new and different. It feels like where I am today is exactly where I was last year around this time. I had stopped smoking, drinking, cigs, all that, except now I write on the computer in the mornings. I read too. This past year I was sober for more time than I had been in the past five years or so. And you wonder why progress seems slow. I want to complain that it’s taking too long. The biggest complaint I guess is a distrust in my ability to have control around others. I was tested big time last night when a skater dude wanted to ride my bike and he asked if I could hold his cig. I was moments from puffing on it, I didn’t even consider corona shit until right now, but yea I abstained. There were two girls there skating and rollerblading. I felt an itch to strike up some kind of conversation with them, but I was too judgey at the fact that they were drinking and smoking cigs. Dang I just realized how much of a judgmental projection you were putting upon them. Just because you are insecure about substances doesn’t mean you have to be rude to people who would benefit from your interaction. Also they were wearing masks at first which is another this that I have made some uber judgmental decisions about interacting with people who wear masks outside, but that a whole nother story. I just want to get clear that really no matter what anyone anytime can benefit from your interactions. You put so much projected manipulative judgmental bullshit upon yourself and the world about the value and worth of interactions and how when you do all the made up math in your head about relating with others your limiting belief systems make up a whole story that whether of not you actually feel any kind of intuitive pull or not you should choose to shy away because that is the behavior that has kept you safe. Dang that’s hard, and deep, and something you are only able to see in these moments of clarity when you’re sober and haven’t been ingesting a bunch of processed crap. I was having the thoughts yesterday about how great I feel due to the fact that I have barely had anything processed, especially anything real bad. That just made me think of a dream? I don’t know if I heard it in waking life or dreamt this up but it had something to do with a girl either not having enough money or the ability to get Burger King. I love how this program will capitalize Burger King automatically but won’t capitalize trump our fucking president, wow, biased much? Did I hear it at the skatepark or was it a dream? Story of my life. 1029

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