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October 13th 2020 Tuesday 7:13am

It is way later than you think. I stayed up late so I slept in late so the day is a solid three hours shorter than a usual day. I feel alright though for now. I turned to substances last night. some part of me really wants to believe that you are depressed. So depressed that when you feel good like you did yesterday you turn to a depressant to bring yourself down. By the end of the evening after drinking a bit too much as per usual I reminisced about the some of the first experiences I had drinking. Two particular moments stand out as experiences that shifted my perspective about how I could be when I was very drunk. I was able to be something I could not without it, and I could push the limit of how much I could handle unlike any other challenge I had up until that point. Both instances I was very young fourteen or fifteen, the first involved a bottle of rumple mintz and my first intimate experience with a female and the other involved a handle of vodka and blacking out so bad that there is very little memory of the evening. So it goes. I don’t really feel like expanding on it any more. I would rather write about the ways I know how to heal the trauma. The memories will always be there, the feelings, the tones, the thoughts, the dreams. You get to decide what it means to you. It meant more than but still means something like I’m weird, awkward, not enough, no one likes me, I’m emotionally suppressed, and I gots all kinds of nasty thoughts about myself and the world I have to interact with which is what lead me to substances at a young age. That’s the story, and it is totally human nature to believe the story that you created. It’s the most important thing you got, it gives a ground for all other things to stand upon. Since I’m awkward I can only do awkward things. It creates a restriction on parts of your character that the fear driven mechanisms view as being dangerous. If you can really get that it was all just a mechanism, a machine, a complex complex, then maybe you can create an updated version that runs more heart centered programming. I like to think you know enough to understand that some part of this thing you call “you” created it in order to keep yourself safe from some perceived danger, and this creation is not physical. Which makes it almost more tricky to deal with because it’s nowhere and everywhere always. Also the thing about memories, narratives, behaviors, traumas, all that jazz is that apparently it is all stored somewhere within us, probably forever. The paths to learned reactions may always be there, however our perception can shift. Reactions that have strong connections to a stimulus that are repeated often are robust, thicker, deeper, easier for energy to flow the way it always has. The connection is what makes reactions to trauma so real. Lessening the connection, and creating new pathways to other ways of being is the only thing we have conscious control over. Change your mind, change your world, Joe Dispenza shit, it’s been proven with science and shit, I know, but taking it from the theory to the practice is the work, and even the though triggers some historic mildly traumatic reaction to putting in work. The connections between “not wanting to” when put up to a task and getting away with the not doing are seemingly quite strong. I obviously understand on some level that it is possible because I have been able to shift the dialogue about plenty of things but this idea of actually playing on the court is still the main drag that I perceive to be the scariest thing. Even simply planning something out is seemingly impossible from the perspective of the spectator. I actively want to make a big fuss about all the reasons and justifications why it is this way and why I do things the way I do and how I perceive that nothing will ever work out and I would rather wait it out for the random chance occurrence and that makes me more sporadic and free or whatever, but maybe, actually more like definitely all that shit ain’t whats so. What so is whats so and you’re either in or out. The reasons, excuses, justifications are a way to act like you “want” to be in but your really out, and even weirder is you create a fantasy of some middle ground. It’s like you are in the spectator stands at a sports game but you aren’t even watching or interacting, instead you have recreated the live game in digital form on a device and you’re commenting on the fantasy game. Your excuses are no better than fantasy football bruh.826

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October 12th 2020 5:15am Monday

I missed yesterday. I spent my morning writing time finishing Fridays post. It is much more of a challenge to write about something specific then it is to ramble on commenting about the interactions between internal dialogues and what actually gets transmitted to text, then over analyze it all and relating it back to my stories and supposed lack and weaknesses based on perceived defeats. Way easier to just run on sentence and pretend like any of it has any meaning outside of simply observing. Yesterday was depressing, it was a vibe. So easily I can get fooled into thinking its all me. When I’m in it like I was yesterday I tend to completely disregard the idea that maybe it ain’t necessarily so. I tend to assume people are all somehow better off than me and it’s me who is the reason why they are acting the way they are. For example yesterday it seemed like everyone I greeted was at a lower vibe than normal, I took it personally and subconsciously figured it was somehow my fault. Fuck this is such silly behavior. It started early, after the first interaction that didn’t quite play out the way I imagined it would I reverted to over analyzation and inward protection mode. Amazing how fast and seamless it can occur. There is a whole other level to not taking things personally that I may not have seen before. Every interaction, every time, is a projection, nothing has to do with you, nothing anyone else does or says ever has anything to do with you. Somehow you gotta get that straight, it ain’t you, you have no responsibility for how anyone else is being. Simply realizing that maybe being surrounded by a bunch of other hopelessly hoping depressed messes may be a contributing factor to why you feel low in the moment would be greatly appreciated. Regardless of the epiphanies you’re having when you are lighter and more in yourself, yesterday was just blah. By the time I got home all I could think about was turning to substances, food, or endlessly scrolling on my phone. I did the minimum of each category because I know deep down somewhere none of that stuff helps, if anything it makes things worse later. I stretched, listened to music, wrote, played guitar, and read. I played guitar for over thirty minutes, crying for over half of it. It wasn’t until I my fingers couldn’t take any more that I decided to pull a card and read some of the book. I pulled equilibrium which was all about emotional self sufficiency. At that point I realized I had won, I sat with myself, with all the apparent sadness and anxiety and just fucking sat with it. I feel proud of myself for being strong enough to just be with the emotions. I feel like I accomplished a lot last night by not reaching for the substances that I have historically used to suppress my emotions. Still so much to learn, still so much to uncover, still so much to strive for. Yet I feel like the practices I have been incorporating are so important to holding the whole thing together. Part of me feels a pull to actually dive in and claim sobriety. It has been days since I drank or smoked. However without a restriction I am bound to fall back. Substances are all I have ever been able to turn to to make me “feel” better about all the lack, the insecurity, the worry I perceive. Except after the instant gratification is over the result is always the same. The emotions are still there and generally they feel worse because of the major imbalances substances tend to create. I’m going to pull a card and see what it has to say. Nurturing, the three of worlds is what I got. It says the harvest is near, take the extra step to ensure success. I interpret it as taking care of myself. Even though the chaotic self destructive tendencies were pleading their case last night, I chose to take the side of the nurturer who encourages growth and development over short term resolutions that generally lead to deepening the issues. All I can think about now is the number of times I have turned to substance versus the few and far between instances of nurturing self reflection. Part of me wants to just forget about the majority of my twenties because I didn’t know any better. The past year I feel like I can finally control the reactions that have historically lead me to substances. Part of me want to be like, “took you long enough.” But the loving nurturing part of me knows that I am right on time. K Love You BYE! 800

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October 10th 2020 5:27am Saturday

Onward and upward to such great heights unknown to the viewer. The participant will aspire to rise above all attachment and oppression to get there. Are you ready to aspire higher? I wrote those last sentences as a response to the tarot card I just pulled which is aspiration, the four of wands. I was thinking about aspirations this morning, also I did some conscious breath work and a little meditation. I want to say I was aspirating to aspire to my aspirations. Interesting how the same word has two meanings. Before I pulled a card I was thinking about how I want to do, yet it occurs like I don’t. I really wanted to just start this off today with a bunch of, you aren’t doing enough, and you had all the time in the world and you still haven’t acted upon your ideas crap, but I stopped myself and decided to do something different and pull a card. As I was laying the cards out the card that came to mind was the tower. I know I have more than enough to be successful, I just have to take the leap of faith and let go of attachment to lack. I focused on just being with the cards, closed my eyes, took some breaths and pulled a card quite similar to the tower. The card itself has the Washington monument, the statue of liberty, and several other tower like structures. Even a google definition of aspire simply says: rise high; tower. Maybe I might be making this all mean more than it may mean, but in some cases if its gonna light a fire up your ass than let it be all meaningful. I have such a capacity to dream about lofty heights I know I am capable of reaching. The worry and fear immediately creep into my conscious thought, even though it ain’t necessarily so. The first thing that came to mind about how I to set myself up for success is limiting distraction. Part of the fear and worry is dopamine fomo. Some part of the chemistry is worried that it is going to miss out on that hit of good feelings so it clings to every historic tale it can to keep the machine running as it always has. The chemical mechanisms only know what brings them pleasure, there is no reasoning with a machine, it’s either on or off. When it is off for too long it worries that it will never be in pleasure again so it goes on alert to make it seem like something is wrong and the only thing that will make things right is whatever act is attached to the process. How did I get here? Oh yea distractions, see what you just did there, you distracted yourself from examining aspirations by distracting yourself breaking down distractions. Very tricky these mechanisms are and if they are left unchecked they will easily hijack the controls and you will be running on autopilot. I aspire to reduce the time in autopilot by limiting options. I know I can do it too, I have created a morning routine with little to no room for options. Water, shower, coffee, write, every day. Then… the mechanisms act as if I should congratulate myself by worrying about all the things I could be doing and then I end up relying on the easiest source of dopamine which end up being scrolling mindlessly on my phone. So it goes. It seems like the extensive list of things I want to and could do go on forever. Then even more distracting is attempting to decide which would be “best” thing to be doing. Meditation, yoga, exercise, breath work, drawing, practicing guitar all come to mind. Seamlessly the lack, I’m not enough dialogue has hijacked capability and intention. It’s like even before I had the thought and started the sentence whatever mechanism is in charge said simply, “you’re not gonna do that,” and the worry set in about how I may never and woe is me, I might as well just revert back autopilot and scroll endlessly because I will get the instant gratification I desire. Anything to distract you from what is true to you. Lets be straight about that one thing, instant gratification is not true to you. What is true is the joy of putting in work towards a larger deeper outcome. I know this, the collective me knows this. So aspire for that, remind yourself often that everything you seek is already here. All you aspire towards and desire is already here. You must begin a chipping away towards the larger goal of success, because you don’t want to wonder what if and be regretful about the lack story you made up.796

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October 9th 2020 Friday 6:06am

If you are capable of acting then you should. Acting as in acting within the places that require action. The world has enough sad sacks that are destined to repeat the same traumas without any deeper examination as to why stuff is happening and what can be done about it. So if you are one who chooses to examine and act then here are some of the basic building blocks for a solid foundation. As a start all you need to know about are four categories. Manifestation, nourishment, movement, and rest. Manifestation of a dream, goal, or objective is the groundwork from which all other categories become meaningful. Dedication to the dream is what supports all other categories. You need a reason to be in the process of transformation. The stronger and more precise the reason the less likely you will be to act on motivations not in line with your dream. For example if you want to lose weight write it intu the future with present tense as you are already there. It is, whatever day in the future, and I weight, whatever weight you are now minus ten pounds, and I look and feel amazing. Sounds a bit corny but this is the basis for manifestation. To support the declaration of a dream, goal, or objective an action plan that supports is what works best to keep you on track and allow for completions and wins to be measured. If your dream is to be ten pounds less by one month from now break it down by week, then by day. Two week goal of five pounds, each day goal of less than half a pound. Once the foundation of why you are doing anything is set then the other systems can be incorporated. Each category is meant to create a goal in order to reduce distraction. Nourishment includes all things consumed. Nourishment isn’t just food and drink it extends into anything you digest whether it be inner or outer dialogues to entertainment. If the energy can be felt, analyzed, and reacted to then it generally fits in two categories, nourishing or depriving. I can bet that there are a lot of things you consume that probably would be classified as depriving. To reduce the deprivation and increase nourishment is the goal. To do so the simple yet difficult task of reducing the things that deprive you of energy and increasing the things that cultivate energy. First step is to consume plenty of clean high quality water. Adhering to a certain amount of water daily not only allows for all bodily processes to work more effectively, it also supports a framework of measurable actions to complete daily. Half your body weight in ounces is a minimum baseline for how much water a person should consume. Mixing things like salts, apple cider vinegar, root, and herb tinctures can help the body absorb and retain the water easier. Infusing water with fruits and vegetables can also aid in optimal absorption. The minor nuances of modern life are the things that truly make the difference. Someone could be drinking plenty of tap water and eating plenty of conventional fruits and vegetables but still be in a state of disease because the water is fluoridated and contains heavy metals, the produce contains synthetic hormone disrupting pesticides and has been grown on depleted soil so the nutritional content is severely lacking. We are exposed to enough toxins just existing in the modern world so wherever we can consciously reduce ingesting more we should try our best to do so. Along with measurable amounts of high quality water consumption, a measurable amount of organic produce consumption is of the utmost importance to focus on. Organic produce generally supports smaller farms with more biodiverse crops that tend to use practices that support soil health. Reducing the amount of chemicals and toxins that one consumes is imperative to support the healing process that every human in the modern world must undergo to optimize their ability to heal themselves and in turn reach back and help others get out of the toxic wasteland that human have created. Even though we were thrown into this mess once we are conscious of our role as healer then we must take responsibility for ourselves and continue to pass along the knowledge that can lift us out of the muck and ascend to greater heights of consciousness. So we must dream big, and support our physical body with adequate hydration and nutrients as a baseline for the physical activity we must interact with to forge a stronger union of body and mind. 771

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October 8th 2020 Thursday 5:56am

I think it is time to get intu caring for and taking care of ourselves. Specifically myself, me, me, me, I want, I want, I matter more than anything else on blast 24/7. The most important thing to you is yourself, it’s all you ever think about, it’s most of what you speak about, you are the main character in the story, and the story is quite absurd. Because even though I am the most important thing to myself, I tend to think of myself as a burden rather than a blessing. It’s an very old conversation, almost surely passed along generationally. The story highlights how easily humans can be fooled and lead to believe things that may not necessarily be true. My story has everything to do with me, I take everything super seriously while interweaving emotion and meaning intu the story to support all the reason why I have to continue to treat myself poorly. I just want to be fair to myself. That doesn’t mean I have to be all nice and lovey all the time, I just want to diminish the idea that it’s ok to treat myself like shit. The process is different but the result is always the same. I make up a story about not being enough and that becomes the grounds from which all detrimental behavior burgeon. As long as the lack story is present, the excuses are going to be present too. Many conditioned behaviors are brought on by triggers that exist only to justify and reason with your conscious mind to see how much you can cheat yourself. The multitudes of mechanisms that represent all needs and wants are pleading their case. The loudest seems to be the representative for sugar. My conscious thinking mind knows that sugar is poison and I feel like shit when I ingest too much of it, but the mechanisms prey upon uncertainty and regret. So if there are things you are unsure about and stuff that is incomplete in the meaning you made for the story than you already have more than enough evidence to consume crap that isn’t good for you. It goes on and on. So whats the solution? Practice. Practice being overly joyously kind to yourself. If you really want it plan for it, plan to be kind to yourself early and often in order to give the detrimental deterrents little room for convincing arguments. Create conditions where all that “not good enough” “not worth it” lingo means little to nothing, and surely is not taken personally. Just be with yourself where you are at and without judgement. If the critic is real harsh, it is going to be difficult and require a lot of work. Work that you are capable of. Existence shouldn’t be our burden to bear, it should be our garden where we get to experience, play, and grow. Supporting the shift intu the dialogue of empathy over apathy is what I want to support myself and the world in. It sure as fuck seems like a long, dark, lonesome road out ahead. Just remember that plenty of people have travelled this road so when you take a step you are stepping intu a lineage of progress. What we need more than ever are powerful brave individuals willing to take on the journey of self in order to lighten the load for everyone else. Every time someone becomes free of a perceived burden everyone else benefits. I think the point of this ramble is that nothing is real, so get over it. Sounds harsh yes, I am being a bit facetious also, but it really is time to get that outside of your perception of reality there is only everything and nothing. Those words also barely scratch the surface of the meaning that they intend to hold. Then adding in the misperceptions of human emotion they are sure to be confused for something literal and meaningful. Ups and downs, twists, and turns, back and forth, side to side, around and around we go, no matter where we go or stop we are always here now so let that be the guiding light through the deep tunnel of consciousness that we have been granted the gift of experiencing. We can do this we can turn this garbage intu a garden. Begin by doing the work necessary to be convinced without a doubt that you are complete, whole, and perfect right now as you are. Begin to dig up that which has yet to be uncovered, be with the mud without judgement or fear, remember you are always perfect always. Create a clearing that supports new growth now, no judgement, just be with yourself and your garden. Root yourself intu the magic and wonder of being, practice cultivating strong soil through manifestation, movement, nourishment, hydration, and rest. Once the groundwork is set as a healthy stage for action it is time to share. Waste no energy on comparison and ideal expectations. We grow faster with ups and downs.837

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October 7th 2020 Wednesday 5:46am

My mind is blank as fuck right now. I was thinking of the peanut butter at work and how no one has filled up containers recently. Even more concerning I haven’t told anyone to fill them up, so it stay empty. I have a favor house Atlantic playing in my head by coheed. I did recently hear the song so it makes sense that it would be on blast but whats up with waking up with songs in your head that you haven’t heard in a real long time. What about the songs you hear in altered states that aren’t even songs yet? At some point I formulated a weak suspicion that during altered states especially sleep an individual like myself that has power to create has their subconscious hacked by an information gathering entity. The stronger suspicion is that supposing that everything is inherently one big möbius strip that connects everything always then that would facilitate the condition for everything to be creating and sharing all information. I think the flaw in my thinking comes from the supposition that my thinking is actually mine. Since if everything is connected then there may be no me to be mine. Suppose that what you perceive as a creation of music, stories, or visions is really just sharing. Everything connected actually means there is no creation nor destruction only our perception and meaning of it. We generally perceive creation as a something from nothing story. Yet we can never be absolutely certain about the existence of nothing. If everything’s connected then nothing is everything. They cancel each other out, neither exist, nothing exists outside everything and everything exists inside nothing. I am basically just playing with words here to see what sound cool and possibly rings true. All of this is subject to criticism and deserves proper argument. That is why I am not claiming to know much of anything about any of this. This is simply a practice to imagine through words and word through imaginations. This is not going to highlight any point or conclusion about everything nothing, I feel like I am simply throwing paint on a canvas, that is all. With that there is still a hope, maybe even an expectation that you will see something in the spattered mess of paint dribblings and it will be acknowledged as genius. So if there were to be anything like a point to all of this today it would be something like, if I throw paint at a canvas and I end up seeing something else, is that an original creation? or is it a sharing of the collective vision of everything? Today I am leaning towards everything, maybe because I feel an odd comfort in removing the individual judgements from myself, he who is called Spencer and calls himself I, me, myself. It’s-a-me Spencer-o, except not really, Spencer, me, I, myself, he, are relative definitions for an experience of being, hmm. Its not like I don’t exist but “I” doesn’t exist inside or outside everything. There is no separation, this is when my head starts spinning attempting to gain some solid ground to stand on and formulate judgments. I think therefore I am is relative, right? Also the other side of all of this is what benefit does knowing things about existential stuff afford me? At some level sure there is definitely a benefit to having a solid groundwork of beliefs that rely heavily on thinking critically. However it seems that going down a rabbit hole of thought about the nature of things isn’t cleaning up my room any faster, or getting my career as a health practitioner started. As a judge part of me wants to say you are wasting time and distracting yourself from what is important. As a witness it occurs as play, the subject, me, myself likes to play. To what extent does it become detrimental is all situational. You have allotted time in the morning to write, and thats it. You have no rules other than reaching 750 words. The unrestricted nature of the practice is the groundwork for play. Without judgement and expectation, other than the 750, the objective is completed daily regardless of the content. I could type one word 750 times in a row and that would qualify as a completion of the objective. I want to do more, yes, but when it comes to actually narrowing the ideas down you justify and reason as to why the work isn’t as important as when you initially wanted to do more. 756…

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October 6th 2020 Tuesday 5:32am

I truly feel as conflicted and confused as ever, however I also feel as confident and competent as ever. The duality never goes away it just get deeper on both sides. Seems pretty absurd, and really it is. Both sides are nothing but perception and meaning making. None of the things I think and feel about myself are absolutely true which leaves wiggle room everywhere for improvement and progress. I know what it takes and that seems to be all the more reason why I am not doing more. I really don’t want to discredit all the things that you are doing. For instance my intentions yesterday were to write, on here and on a page in the book and go to the gym, that was really it, and I am pleasantly surprised I even got that much done on account of the constant chatter of motivations telling me I should just put it off. I did the things and that is a win, you won yesterday. The flip side is that there are several vague intentions lingering in the ether, mostly just the hopeful thinking about how I might feel motivated enough to tackle a seemingly more difficult task. The one at the forefront of though is cleaning my room. The thought was there, yet no plan was made, no time was allotted, and inevitably no movement was made in that department. And ya know what, it is ok, it’s ordinary. Nothing happened, you aren’t in any danger, all the things you could think about how having a dirty room reflects back on your character are all made up. The only thing that it means is that I have no ground to stand on when placing judgement on the hierarchal structures. It’s a weird thought I know, but I am starting to really get intu the idea that it is the individuals personal responsibly that supports the changes that are needed and wanted in the world. The unfortunate fate of being a slave in an unfair system may be true on so many levels. However if I can’t muster up the respect for myself enough to simply clean up the spaces I reside than the room I have to talk shit on the environmental conditions lessens dramatically. The difference between commenting on the world at large when you have a personal world full of disorder versus commenting when you have tightened up your personal world is the individual willing to do everything within their power to organize things on a small scale is way more prepared to organize on a large scale. The revolution will not come from a bunch of winey overly privileged people upset that they weren’t given ideal situations. The revolution will be a experience of many individuals being in action about taking responsibility for themselves and their surroundings to the best of their ability which will lead to stronger foundations when expanded into groups and communities. The general consensus of electing officials, voting, and demonstrating are allowances given to us by the system to keep us weak. The real change comes from inside. As someone that has been on both sides of this argument, I do recognize the strong resistance within myself about personal responsibility. I am not in any way claiming that I am doing my absolute best to take care of and tighten up all the things that I want to do and know I am capable of. However there are many areas that I have progressed in by taking responsibility for what I am capable of changing and making incremental changes to move towards those goals. The interesting thing I just thought of is that moving towards goals does not mean perfection. What first comes to mind is my experience with consumption over the past several years. I have gone from allowing myself to purchase and consume mostly anything from conventional retailers, fast food, and restaurants to cutting most if not all options down to only purchasing stuff from the place I work. That isn’t to say that I have completely eliminated everything undesirable, I have been simply doing my best to avoid what I want to avoid. Also I have been through the motions of blaming the institution itself for my decisions. Judging, blaming, and spouting off about insufficiencies of lets say McDonalds only gives the entity more power by drawing from the negative energy you put out. Then not only are you putting out negative energy that is just converted into viable resources by the establishment, you rob yourself by basically ingesting the poison you created expecting the other party to get sick. Then the whole time you are just denying how much you are bringing more of what you don’t want into existence by focusing on it, even if your focus is centered on the elimination of wicked global organizations. Just one individual is not capable of generating enough energy to create any noticeable change in the big picture. Especially if that person isn’t doing their best to progress what they are capable of changing on a personal individual level. Get your shit together, get yourself out, then reach back and pull someone else out. It is simple but difficult facing yourself straight where you are really at without blame and judgement. It is easy to blame any and everything else for your troubles, generally people rely on it to survive. Creating the shift towards abundance and gratitude is what has lead me to advocating for myself rather than playing into blame upon a perceived story. It has taken a while too, but I feel like if I can do it anyone can. 944 6:53am

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October 5th 2020 Monday 6:19am

I allowed myself to enjoy a sleep in, felt like I needed it. I was up too late doing too many things. That’s not the point of today, the point is what if. The point is if you could get what you want, what would you have to do to get it. You said yesterday that the greatest power in nature is the power of human intention. When we focus our energy on a goal we are generally able to exceed expectations. You got a pretty good structure, time to start adding some weight. If you really want to do anything you must first write a request to the universe and be as specific as possible. Narrow down what you want to focus on and ask for assistance in whatever areas you feel like you need help. Next you are gonna get intu the practice of dreaming in order to manifest what you want. Write about the destination as if you have already gotten there in present tense. Draw it as an image or a map, create a visual representation of the destination. Create a framework for how you would have to be. Allow the challenge of restricting behaviors to become the work that needs to be put in towards alignment with core value to support your transformation.

It is 11:02am now, and I am so resistant to finishing this day up. I want to just leave it but once one thing is neglected, other things become easier and easier to neglect. So I’m back to hit the 750 goal and ramble on about personal development and progress. I am also resistant to this call for action I speak of. The previous paragraph points out and elaborates on a need for a specific target to focus my intentions on. I pretend like I have too many options and use the indecision as a distraction to keep myself in the comfortable known world I begrudgingly exist in. It is the same old story, it’s boring, and you since you are aware of it, you should have even more reason to do something about it. So lets not just give up all together because you can’t make a definitive choice this second. You have plenty of options, choose one, try it on, and if you don’t like the way it fits try something else. The first seemingly obvious objective my mind goes to is creating the shift towards becoming a holistic lifestyle coach. My perception wants to make it into a daunting task that is basically unreachable by an ordinary person like me. However the more I realize that really nobody has their shit together and the ones that make it seem like they do are probably really bad off in some category that is either being hidden or overlooked. I want to be mediocre to pretty good at most things. Thats why pinpointing can seem so hard for me. I don’t want to specialize, but then the desire to do everything bring me back into the same cycle of distraction by indecision and there is no movement. So break it down then, if you were to pay someone for a holistic lifestyle service what would you want? I would want the practitioner to be experienced in breathing and movement practices, nutrition and cleansing practices, bodywork modalities, personal growth coaching, vibrational healing whether it be sound, crystal, or herbs, and just simply be a real person who is compassionate and able to listen and be with other fully. It ain’t that much, at least for a super hero like me, you already know more than you think you know about most of those subjects and acquiring more knowledge is totally accessible. Dang, maybe I already know what the thing is and I am abandoning responsibility for creating the apparent existence of indecision. In the end it is all me. So what would it look like. Someone who is certified in nutrition, mobility and fitness coaching, vibrational healing modalities, cognitive and somatic therapies amongst other things. I want to incorporate all the senses into my practice, color, sound, taste, smell, intuitive movement, vision and proprioceptive recalibration. All of the good stuff that rings true and that I have tried out. You probably should just start by making an intention to try more new stuff out to see if it seems like something that is worth investing time intu. How else would you know if something is worth dissecting and incorporating into your skillset if you never put any energy intu it. Wow I think I actually figured something out, I still want to perceive it as vague but that is just my perception. It is totally more specific than you were a few years ago, back then you simply just knew you wanted to help people, and that was basically where you stopped yourself then with the self defeating cycle of indecision and doubt. The idea that you can state pretty accurately the place you want to be is the ground from which you can begin to work backwards and work out what is necessary to accomplish to get to where you want to go. Good job, seriously, just be with the process without judgement and flow with the tides of life. 878 11:54am

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October 4th 2020 Sunday 5:30am

Time just keeps on flying by without a plan, without a guide. I feel like I am failing, falling into the darkness that can so easily consume one who lets life get to them. If you could just remember that you are loving awareness and that you are in this world, but not of it. You should get that shit tattooed on your wrist so maybe you can take a moment and regroup from a place of compassion and love. I want to be able to stop forgetting, ya know remember that I do know how to get back intu myself. Yesterday for example I let my guard down. The combination of taking things personally and sugar got the best of me. The sugar is the real culprit, because I have become conditioned to grab some food when I feel an itch of stress, and most everything has sugar in it. My entire environment at work is just one will power exercise after another. Not only do I have to complete actual work for the job itself. The secondary position I take on is like a constant will power assignment that involves constantly fighting the urge to not grab more sugary treats. Most of the time my secondary job of self control is harder and more bothersome then the actual work. This is all due to the fact that the toxic poison we call sugar wreaks havoc on all my major bodily systems. Then the dialogue I have with myself is effected since I feel like I can’t control the compulsion. Which inevitably leads to a cycle of detrimental thought and behaviors that reinforce each other. I eat because I am stressed, I am stressed because of what I eat. At this point I want to say that you know better too, but that only drives more fatalistic thoughts leading to more detrimental behavior. The fatalistic thought thing is what I want to dive into. Even right now I am doing my best to calm my worried mind into just being with the result of actions without judgement. It ain’t that serious, it ain’t that big of a deal, and what you perceive definitely ain’t necessarily so. So calm the fuck down, you were sore and cranky and ate too much candy, so it goes. Except the judgmental story teller wants to paint a totally different picture as if you are some raving lunatic that has no self control and will always be this way and there is nothing that could help this major detriment to your character so you might as well shut down, turn off, and revert back to the dark comfortable place where you can eat all the crap food and candy you want without having to bother or be bothered by any of the burdens of this cruel little world. The conversation between the multitude of ways of being that I, or any human finds themselves in at any given time is truly phenomenal. The idea alone that we have such conflicting voices howling for attention at all times is pure comedy. It’s like the argument is happening between the several loudest voices. One side is the fatalistic judgmental story tellers that view everything as a threat and are doing their best to convince you that isolating and hiding is the only way to handle this cruel dark place. Then on the other side you have the new guys in town that are caring, empathetic, and loving without judgement of any and all situations you may find yourself in. They are indisputably convinced that the universe is full of unconditional love and abundance and all beings within it’s consciousness are afforded all they could ever need and want so there is no reason to ever worry. Then the whole time while these two major parties are gathering their evidence to support their argument hundreds of other voices are trying their best to get the attention of conscious thought. The majority of which are intentions not fully given enough energy to manifest so they just reside as ideas. You should buy a boat, you should go hiking, you should jump out of a plane, how about you tell someone they look nice, maybe make plans to see a show, I know go get pizza, yes pizza would be nice, and wings! how about a movie, popcorn! Go find dogs to pet, get a haircut, buy clothes, buy a television, buy anything, go on Facebook, download software, upgrade hardware, get back into art, run, swim, take an acting class, brush your teeth, brush your hair, take a vacation, take a nap, buy lottery tickets, do that thing that you always wanted to do but are to worries about failing at so it you never gave it enough energy to flourish, and the list goes on and on. I could sit here for the rest of today just listing all the things that are squawking for attention. While this is all occurring my physical body begins to feel sick and weird and then the two most important voices chime in, drink water, and breath. Generally the most important things are somehow lost in the jumbled mess of ideas. I should just get H2O and O2 tattooed on my fucking wrist. Regardless this has been fun painting a picture of the constant conversations occurring. Lets elaborate on this some more another time because I am done for today and I want to get a move on. OK Love You BYE! 920 6:43am

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October 3rd 2020 Saturday 5:24am

I dreamt a bunch of dreams that I cannot recall… so it goes. Shifting out of this last moon into the next one has got me feeling lazy and stuck all over again. Maybe the feelings never really left, I’m just good at keeping a decent attitude most of the time. I feel like I could go off on so many tangents about behaviors, patterns, habits, but what good is that really doing me or anybody. The world wants and needs from me to step up intu the fullest expression of myself. I have a tendency to adherence to historic stories that inevitably define how I am being based on recognition of similarities rather than creation of possibilities and probabilities. I tend to disregard intuition and refuse to act upon that which will bring about meaningful change and transformation. Ugh, this shit is boring. I often end up spouting off about all this meta bullshit like here I am being lazy again and here are all the reasons why I do all the bullshit things day in and day out that keep me from myself, and for some reason nothing really changes. Then you analyze it even further like, here are the reasons why I do or don’t do the things I feel compelled to to, and also here is how I think and feel about said reasons, and then again, nothing changes. Yup, then theres the part where you try to lift yourself up by not focusing on the lack and pretend to bypass all the pent up emotions to simply said you are “witnessing” without judgement or some corny shit like that. That is why I am changing the subject to crystals. I want to analyze the role that crystals play in human beings interactions with the world. I want to break down the lofty ideas that everything is a vibration, these vibrations apparently occur as light waves. Waves have an essence of being harmonious and disharmonious. Crystals have strong structures because the wavelengths in which they vibrate at are harmonious. I want to better understand and relate it back to human beings. I have heard that the structures within the brain can form and/or are formed from crystalline structures. How this all relates to health, wellbeing, connection to source, the ideas of spirit and soul, and all that jazz is what I want to be able to draw relative conclusions about based on anecdotal evidence and repeated observations. I could easily talk out my ass about how everything inside the known universe is attuned to a vibration of unconditional love. Vibrating at that frequency can be achieved through optimal sleep, movement, consumption, and dreaming. The dream part is where I want to relate how the intentional information one creates within the crystal structures of the brain are what supports the ability to manifest possibilities that may seem discontinuous with those of the ordinary. I seemingly occur to myself as an ordinary, lazy being, however some part of me has been able to practice taking action based on theories that seem to ring true which has brought about actual experiential progress in life. I would like to be in a sharing of the information I discover. The result would be the evolution of consciousness through the practice of attuning to the vibration of unconditional love that the universe is basically waiting for us to pick up on. My personal experience has been that once I changed my mind, my world changed. What supported the transformation was incorporation of optimal hydration, rhythmic breathing, high quality nourishment, and movement. Again and again I am then faced with the glaring reality that the intentional dream, goal, objective is all but missing from my own formula. Even though I can talk about it and wrap my head around it the worry of the unknown becomes greater and more serious than it actually is. The power of intention can work both ways to manifest realities that either support transformation of stifle it. I have spend most of my time here stifling my growth and expansion so that the stories can hold more power than they ever should. Then things play out the way they always do reverting back to my programming and stuck in my ways. It is time to play with your ability to manipulate your reality with intention, manifestation, and possibilities. You have been caught up pretending to try and save everyone, which ends up looking like you becoming more cynical and closed off. Lets do something different and actually put forth the effort towards what YOU desire. Don’t kid yourself either, you know what it is even if your survival instincts and limiting beliefs want to tell you differently. Goddamn today took forever to write so little, sometimes it just be like that, you pushed through and completed the practice, good job.813 6:39am