August 8th 2020 Saturday 5:14am

Run on

This compulsion has become the propulsion for seeking devotion and avoiding explosion. I want this to get as meta as I can lead it. The question is where to progress. So many options, I have gotten better, but that feeling of overwhelm from all the choices stops me. Even these words, I could twist this any way I want, and will for the sake of originality. There is something to be said about the multiple sides of genius. The well educated, driven genius that spends a lot of time manipulating models that already exist, and the prodigy artist that creates their own models.

The proclivity to reprehend and apologize for a perceived failure is so ingrained in our culture. I was so close to starting this off with some apology about how the last paragraph didn’t really make much sense. This is when I do best “talking” to the keys and putting the stuff directly out. When I begin to think about what coming out I pause. Even right now I feel like I m dragging on. That just seems to be the theme, do something that should be considered an accomplishment, little as it may be. And instead of acknowledging yourself for the achievement you immediately make it wrong. This drives an apologetic self demonizing script. So watch out for that one. Just allow the stuff to flow, detach from the result and keep it moving. You wrote one paragraph that sucks, so what. You should be celebrating the task itself of writing the paragraph not judging the result on some false expectation of it being “good” or not sucking or whatever. The expectation that you are even going to be able to produce “good” writing, especially at first is just foolish of you. “IT” “EGO” the judgmental driving force that keeps us safe but separate is always going to find a way to stop you before you even start, because some times starting something that has a possibility of success would mean to some degree that this “it” thing would have to be uncomfortable, shit this “it” thing is like a crabby geriatric that is wayyy to stuck in their ways to consider getting out of bed let alone beginning something new that requires practice, patience, and energy. Whata sentence, right? It feels better to be free and “incorrect” then it does to be freezing and pausing.

What next? It? Things? What I seem to enjoy to do at this point is philosophize and analyze my current states of being and comment on how they play out? The reason, yea thats what you should have a reason. Whats the reason to do things? Maybe not the best question, see what I mean, its so pervasive and constantly if I allow it to flow then it sneaks in ruthlessly, lol not the best… Just because I had another thought doesn’t mean that what I wrote wasn’t the “best” in that moment because now I can comment on it. Identifying, awareness, and mindfulness of the patterns is so crucial in first knowing what it is you are doing and why your doing it plus having some “hope” that there is another way and a belief that humans can evolve and the strive to become a better human being than you were is a craving as strong as all the others.

I guess what this is all about is whether or not that strive to get better is within you specifically around this project. It has been three years since the idea dawned on you and these past three blog posts have been some of the most amount of time invested intu development of protocols that align with common goals of looking, feeling, and being “better” or optimized is a good word but it sound too robotic, not sure if thats Optimus Primes fault or not. That’d be a sick name, Optimus… But let’s get back to basics the beginning of becoming a being that breaks through barrier of body, mind, spirit begins briefly but begrudgingly you believe. What I meant by that if it wasn’t totally not obvious was that affirmations, self talk, exercise/movement, and especially diet all can be systematically shifted towards alignment with the “greater” Hmm… I was going to say greater good, or power. There really should be a clear distinction between good and bad that inherently nothing is good or bad. However things in this physical arena which we get to frolic in people have agreed upon things being good and bad, so they can be seemingly heavier. The thing to really get is greater and worser detached from any expectation of it being good or bad. That can allow a person to see the objectivity in what they are actually doing. If you kept seeing yourself doing worse and you DIDNT’T get down on yourself about it, you would probably be kind to yourself as you would to anyone else who was down and help yourself out and generate something.837 6:13am

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