August 7th 2020 Friday 5:05am

Out of the innumerable things that covid has brought to light. The passing of time and how much can go by in such a seemingly short amount of time is absurd. The point is that the world never stops, never will, and if you aren’t preparing for your time here it will pass you by very quickly. Thats all I got. So far. Knowing that this is going to be some public post on a website that no one knows about has me being way more cautious about what I say. I want to write about things that are important to me. I recently got a book called the potent self by Moshe Feldenkrais. It makes distinctions between compulsive and spontaneous action. It gets into how to navigate and correct contradictions in human movement and action. I have been actively witnessing my own compulsive behaviors. Compulsive behaviors show up as tension, the source and location of tension is different for everyone. However generally it resonates from the abdomen into the chest and jaw. I find myself in these muscular holding patterns exactly like the book explained. The reason I even go the book was because David Weck explained something about it in a video a couple months ago.

I learned from an early age that I can “waste” time. Now it is a constant battle with behaviors that I continually have to correct. It has become compulsive to waste time. Due to many factors the propensity to gravitate toward doing nothing has become the rebellion. It seems that I do certain things to “get back at” life for its “unfair” treatment. The story historically made sense because “life” was some kind of external entity that was coming at me and I had no control over. I do see things slightly different now. However the thoughts and feelings still persist. What if the “life” thing that you defined as some external existence that you were thrown into is actually just a self defeating narrative. Yes, that kinda makes some sense that I would become my own saboteur and blame it on something else to relieve myself of responsibility.

Looking good to avoid looking bad is a distinction landmark education uses in their courses to define an aspect of human behavior. It seems to fit well with what I have been wrestling with for some time. “Theres something wrong” is what it sounds like. When it comes up it looks like compulsive behavior governed by motivations that keep you safe. However this safe place you have created is in isolation. You figure if you remove yourself from any and all situations where you could possibly “look bad” there is no chance of being in any danger. It’s wild to think that “looking bad” has become entangled with danger.

Several years ago when I first started writing I said that I have a “weak” brain. In the case I was making bad then it was seemingly true. However now I realize that some parts may seem weak, but others are definitely very strong. Also I think more fitting definitions for the compulsions would be dominant and subdued. When I am confronted with something difficult, especially something that could result in “looking bad”. There is a dominant voice that is actually very strong in the ability to control. The control it has shows up as avoidance. The ability to avoid is very strong in you, yes. The avoidance almost inevitably turns into isolation. Especially if confronted with something meaningful. The avoidance then become a judgment on who and what you are. It’s a lose, lose, because not only are you not exercising the piece of you that handles confrontation. You perceive this compulsive behavior as an inadequacy, which drives you deeper into isolation. I hope this is relatable.

For example imagine a situation where you want to accomplish something. To accomplish this thing you are going to be confronted with a possibility of looking bad. Due to many reasons the compulsion is to avoid. The avoidance voice dominates all others. That should be enough, but theres more. It has to get something from the avoidance. What it gets is a sense of control. It seems that it can be in control best when avoiding and in isolation. It gets a sense of security and safety when it avoided confrontation. You would think that would “feel good.’ However quite the contrary because the avoidance is perceived as a failure. Even though “it” was the one that made the choice to avoid, “it” also perceives the choice as an insufficiency and creates a story that you are lacking something. It is setting you up for failure before you even start. So STOP IT is what I am constantly telling myself. Taking responsibly for your life starts with observing where you are at currently. 807 6:13am

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