August 6th 2020 Thursday 5:16am

Where the heck do I even start. Knowing that I am posting this stuff publicly has me hesitating to write freely. I usually begin the stuff with at least a few sentences about how I feel and whats going on. So maybe instead of continuing to resist, I will allow it to flow and see where it goes. I actually feel better. Exercised yesterday, avoided eating any crap food, got enough sleep. Up with my alarm, cold shower, make bed, coffee, write, here I am. I will start with food today. That is what I started with when I began the journey so long ago.

The “story” is just that, a story, it is merely just an interpretation of things that happened and/or are happening. The flow of writing things that have some kind of meaning or significance feels like it isn’t there. The moment you are looking for is fleeting. You will probably never really know how “good” or “bad” you are at this practice because all judgements are subjective when it comes to art. Is this art? Is writing an art? Can life be an art? That is a heavy word for me. I made some decisions by like 6-7 grade that determined how I am gong to be in the world. One of those decisions was that I wasn’t “good enough” to be an artist. There are plenty of people way more talented and deserving of the title artist. Not me, I pretended to be washed up before I even jumped in.

Back to the story that I wanted to put into words. I doubt anyone will even make it this far. I feel indecisive, it is creating a slight amount of tension. I want to release that and allow the stuff to flow. The story has not started I know, I know. Just trying to get into a groove. So it goes like this, I got sick. Maybe I am sick, well I was sick, and now I’m not, sure. For real though the difference between then, let’s say then is January 2014 and now is that I have shifted the patterns of food consumption.

It was a drunken New Years eve at a friends house in south Philly. A lot of high school friends were there. The girl I was dating at the time was friends with a girl from my grade coincidentally. Somehow me being the common denominator between two friend groups brought together new and old friends. There is not much memory to recall of that evening, other than a lot of drinking and smoking, the usual for me at that point. I find it weird that there is this underlying narrative that I continually want to paint the pictures of myself and how I have been in a “bad” or dark place. There is such a tendency to focus on the failures and the lack rather than the success that I am surrounded by. I’m going to try to be nicer to myself here and just be a little more objective for the length of this boring stories sake. The night went the way it did, vibes (for me at least) were weird. I woke up the next morning with such a bad sore throat, it was the first day of the year and I was a mess.

The symptoms persisted. I did not do much to ease the my own suffering. Just continued to drink and smoke. I know there are probably some records of these things somewhere, but as for now I’m just going off memory. I went to the doctors a few weeks into having persistent symptoms. Sore throat, cough, no energy, pretty typical stuff. Except I noticed that my left inner thigh lymph node was enlarged. This is what worried me more than just a regular cold thing. The doctor saw me for barely five minutes before he concluded that it must be strep and prescribed a z-pack. A few more weeks later, I was still run down, cold symptoms persisted. So I went back to the doctor, they ordered some blood work to see if there was something missing. Also gave me another antibiotic, this time a sulpha compound. The blood work showed nothing abnormal. The sulpha stuff gave me a rash that spread from my axial lymph nodes across my chest down my arms. Up until that point I had not gotten sick for any extended period of time. I of course made the mistake of searching the internet for answers. The conclusion I came to was that I was dying. I was actually scared that I had jeopardized my health due to my behavior. I went to the urgent care next to the Wawa in Audubon because I was scared to go back to the doctors.

The doctor at the urgent care identified the rash as a result of the sulpha drugs. Now I know I’m allergic. They also gave me one of the best tips for cleaning out ears. She told me to simply tilt my head down and in the shower allow the water to wash out my ears. Why isn’t this common knowledge, why aren’t we taught this, how come it took me so long to learn something so simple. The theme of my life up until that point was that the authority knows better. I was very dependent upon someone else knowing more that me being the basis of what I believed about myself. This all began to shift around this time. So after some more time of suffering with persistent symptoms. The rash went away but the my lymph nodes were still inflamed and I had no energy. I went back to the doctors a third time, fourth if you include the urgent care. Luckily I saw the other doctor at the practice, a new perspective of the story and symptoms. They suspected mono, the first round of blood tests did not test for that, why? Regardless, I got another round of blood work, and what do you know, Epstein Barr! I went back to the doctors the review the results, they gave another round of antibiotics and some of my symptoms finally began to subside. However my fatigue persisted.

I bought a truck around that time. Mainly to impress the girl I was dating. Also decided to move back out of my parents into the apartment below the one I used to live in on S. Davis in Audubon. It was March when I moved in. I was bitter about getting mono, things weren’t really working out for us, so we broke up. I still felt like shit all the time, but at least I knew I wasn’t dying. I began to research Epstein Barr and what to do about it. The conclusion was that since it is viral antibiotics do not work all that well in treating it. The solution that I came upon was being healthier through diet and lifestyle. Up until that point I hadn’t cooked anything other than eggs and bacon for myself, and rarely ate any fruit or vegetable. I began researching through watching YouTube videos about healthy eating. I began shopping for myself, cooking my own food, and the biggest thing I invested in was a blender to make smoothies.

Im going to stop it here, this has taken way longer than I wanted and I feel kind meh about the story. Whatever, I wrote, thats the practice. Show up, write, acknowledge the accomplishment regardless of any judgement of content. Thats what I am here for. At the end of my rants I like to “allow spirit to flow” through me to get the last little bit of junk broke loose. This usually involves putting strings of things together, mostly words. It’s absurd that I reserve my expression of this world for the bird and the nerds. Until next time. 1315 6:36am

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