August 30th 2020 Sunday 9:37am

Who is that you want to be? Do you want to be this dude who is constantly wanting more from himself not know where or how to get it? Or would you rather be in the process of becoming the person who is able to do all the things that he wants to do by already having the new way of being alive within me. It is one thing to play word games to explain your identity to yourself. It’s another to share your shit with others so they can either actively or passively hold you to things. Since even if they aren’t going to actively hold you to something if you let them know and talk about it enough it will make it more real. It is important that if you want to be about it then you gotta be the fuck about it. Get over yourself just a little bit every day. Hah. Yea ok. Look like you know the basics of the structure of something that could work for you. What is pride? What are you proud of? You look around and you highlight all the stuff you aren’t proud of without even considering that you aren’t seeing all the the other shit. This is going nowhere. If you really want to do this this time, or more so from now on you gotta get that “this time” lingo out of your head and be honest, complete, and truthful about what it is that you want to become. Admitting first that I have allowed myself to devolve into a perceived downward spiral of worry, anxiety, depression, and low vibing emotional bullshit. Now you find yourself in a place where you feel like you were building and growing something then pretty much around mid covid you started fucking up on all the caring stuff you were doing. You started some habits but continued to use will rather than developing a clearer objective, goal, path to really nail down why you are doing the things. I don’t want that question to be the dead of me… Sleep is such a big one because now that I’ve been fucking off for over three months! Fuck my sleep is all fucked up, I slept in today until past 7 thats the latest in a long while. Especially since I had alarms going off since five. I went to sleep late from partying into the evening. I want to be someone who is massively strong, that was the path I was on when I was attending la fitness and I want that to be reintroduced for September…

Welp I never finished yesterday fully, so I am here today Monday morning August 31st at 6:47am to finish this up..My immediate thought is having confidence in your preference. The example I was just pondering on was about Metallica. I fucking love Metallica, however… see there is always a but or a however, something conditional to disempower my choice or preference before I even have a chance to express what I like. I factor in other peoples perceived reactions first then fit whatever I’m saying around how I think they are going to react. Like the way I bring up Metallica usually is under a supposition that no one like Metallica. Here it is again, I fucking love Metallica, and if you knew me would you know that? Probably not, I don’t have any of their merch, I’ve never seen them live, I don’t usually rep them or talk about them in any way to anyone. They are like a dirty secret that I’m not sure when or how I decided that no one likes Metallica and that put on to me that I must be some kind of loser for liking Metallica so much so I should hide my preference. That is a difference between you and others with stronger identities. They are confident in their preferences to a point that since they like something they represent it like it’s the best because they know that they are the best. Odd behavior because it is only some things that are supposed that way, enough to continue a distrusting shakiness that has been around since I was young. I keep wanting to dig into the stories and pick them apart and better understand them so they can be dismantled and recycled. There is this side of freely expressing what you feel is here for you even if it is just a stream of words examining the process of the words going onto the page. I keep thinking how cool it would be to have a typewriter and how much more of a constraint that would put on your typing because theres no quick delete button. I want to be someone who sings, dances, tells stories, and hangs with friends often. A person who does all the forms of art. A person that owns a big rig truck with a stage on the back with an anti gravity device and a Tesla coil that pulls ambient electricity out of the atmosphere and coverts it into energy to be used to power the concerts and anti gravity shows. If I could have any truck it would be a Ken or a Pete real long nose. Black with electric orange, green, pink, purple, and yellow lines all up and around. The trailer would match and have a huge mural of Nikola Tesla on the side holding in his hand a steelie that was exploding into an irradiated plasma. Ok I have more to write for todays actual page maybe I’ll keep this idea up, maybe not, either way I should draw this idea, love you bye! 948 7:12am

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