August 29th 2020 5:30am Saturday

The old Saturnian fixed immovable energy has been being expressed for too long. The resistance towards acting upon the things that are needed and wanted most must come to an end. The worry that if I begin to parade my opinion I the street it will immediately be met with opposition and criticism. The made up scenarios become the basis for the decision making and there is no movement. Again, little more eloquent but like you view yourself in the lack, immovable, and resistant. Regardless of how true they may be to you there are so many other things to highlight and build off of. Like I actually got up before five, I read a little, I’m here making this happen to the best I got for the time I got. Man how cool will it be to just pump out information, like learn something and twist your perspective on it turn it into something palatable and publish that shit. What if the the whole point to all this meta analysis of meaning along your journey is to get that you are the mother, father, kid, the dragon, the anomaly that pops up throwing you into unknown territory. The measure of who you can be is in direct relationship with past encounters with unknown and how you acted when faced with unknown territory. What do you do? The first thing that was there for me was the one time I got into a fight. I accused someone of stealing a friends bike over myspace. They were not happy about it to the extent that they came over my house with a friend and wanted to resolve it with a fight. I declined because my parents were home and no I wasn’t playing that game. Tension stayed the same for days until the upcoming weekend. If my memory serves me correct It was either right before or after my 17th birthday the end of my junior year in high school. I had never been in much of any physical altercation or conflict up until that point. That was when I first started lifting weight, mostly just doing curls in the weight room at school. This is a tangent and hopefully I bring it back but I just had a memory of being in the weight room and there was a girl there who I have known since elementary school. In this moment I can still feel the tension, anxiety, guilt, energy movement? The thoughts were that its not like we didn’t like each other, I just from a certain point didn’t say anything to anyone, even people that could have been caring or understanding, intuitive, relatable, nothing, silence. The tension is still present all over the place even right now, wow. But yea other than my massive apprehension over ever trying to say anything to that particular person throughout all of school is whatever at this point and just a result of consistent “bad” behavior. The behavior that the weight room did first show me the benefit of was that if you lifted the weights you would look nd feel better. At 17 there I was what seemed like finally feeling better than I had since being thrown into the mess of school and interactions and all the shit that you either had or accumulated. Really at that point I was just so full of toxins because of a SAD diet and hormones because puberty and stuff that I was totally disconnected and it seemed to only get worse throughout the next decade. But before the downturn was the height of the feeling curve around that time in June 2005. We were riding bikes around uptown as we had been doing for the better part of five years probably longer. My friend said he’d call the goon squad for backup so the dispute can be settled safely. So many people showed up, quick too. Probably close to a dozen people on my side. We congregated behind the local pizza show near the train station. I told my opponent to meet here. The whole time I was filled with apprehension. It all didn’t seem all that real so running away seemed like a possibility at that point. I contemplated on how to defuse the situation without being involved or at least without confrontation. These were all dreams at that point because with the building number of people there my reputation was now on the line. People came out to see a show. The show looks pretty lame when the guy that sets up the fight runs away. All these thoughts racing in my mind. Luckily I had a friend with me who moved away at a certain point and now I am wondering if I might ever see him again, regardless. He stood with me and it kind of assured me that it wouldn’t be all that bad. We saw two vehicles off in the distance one was a very well recognized bronco belonging to a leader in another crew. My memory is definitely exaggerating but it was like there were people hanging out of the top and sides of both trucks pulling up. Yelling louder and just being all crazy. There was this moment as the trucks were driving up that I was taken back by it all and in that moment I was met with the most absolute fight or flight response I had ever felt. I stepped forward, stood up straight and started down my oncoming opponent. That moment is such a defining moment for my ability to step up into chaos and agree to fight. If only intricate nuances of human interaction were were like that fight. That moment I stepped forward I knew I took complete responsibility for where I was and what I was doing. It was up until that point the one of the most powerful feeling I have ever felt. The fight wasn’t much, I pretty much won. The moment after the fight was the most memorable because everyone ran up to congratulate me and in that moment of adrenaline filled madness I threw up in my mouth a little and got all light headed and everything was slow mo and weird then within moments another fight erupted and everything I had just accomplished had passed and there was a new thing to focus on. Moments after the other fight one lone police officer pulls up and everyone hopes in their car or runs away on foot. I remember casually walking away. I want to be in that energy, that stepping up into the chaos energy. When met with an experience you have never encountered before always choose to fight. 1114 6:29am

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