August 28th 2020 Friday 5:55am

I could have been down in sea isle but I was not feeling up for the drive last night. I shall drive down early today and stay the day. I want to tell stories, but I feel like I have got not good ones ya know? Whats up with that? I feel like I have been living my life for the past couple years in a safety zone. Prior I was just doing really dumb shit. All my stories revolve around how much of a mess I was when I was wasted. There is a weird feeling within me about how I deserved such bad times because of less or whatever. That story is so prevalent in all the experience I have. There were moments yesterday when people were passing by me and I became aware that I was playing out this script in the interactions. It plays out everywhere that I feel an inadequacy and with the majority of the people I work with I feel it. So they would pass by and I would have a moment to interact. The immediate. program has me kind of just humming a pathetic “hey” that is basically inaudible because of the mask, maybe turn my body a little or nod my head. I became aware that I was up against a programmed behavior bringing past into present, using a rehearsed script to interact with the world with. I tried to think it out but no actions occurred. Why couldn’t I just say something? Give some kind of friendly gesture? How is one supposed to act in the position you are in? It isn’t enough to just know that you don’t want to be acting the way that you do you need to know what it is you are going to do about it. Anything but the act you currently do. A surprise? Imagine if you had a can of worms. Offer people something, shout out a compliment. Say their name and a compliment. You tend to forget that some people are fishing for compliment all the time. It even happens to me from time to time when someone unsuspecting compliments a shirt or something. Last weekend my two friends were having a conversation. It had something to do with the theory that the reason why my one friend was nodding his head to the high hat in a Zeppelin song was because his pituitary gland is in his neck and that rides at the same high vibration as a high hat and how all the bodies systems correlate to different vibrations, which is pretty spot on from what I tend to believe, however to say that there was some kind of causation between the vibrations in the music matching up with the gland on a respective frequency that possibly caused the reaction of head nodding is saying that something that brings up many other questions as to why and how thats a thing. Regardless of all the nonsense in the actual conversation, my one friend explaining his theory explained to my other friend that since he is a healthy intelligent person with a big brain his pituitary gland is also large and healthy. I don’t think he was being facetious, however I don’t think he was being super sincere. The one thing I definitely don’t know is whether or not he was doing it on purpose to achieve a result or it was kind of subconscious programming to get to the same ends but not consciously dictate what is said to someone. Like maybe he has done that enough times that he has learned that complimenting someone on something seems to make them like you more and gives them a better sense of self and standing in the world. The result was that when I was driving the friend home that had been told his brain and pituitary gland were large was commenting that he never knew that the other friend liked him so much and thought so highly of him. He was shining and gloating thinking very highly about himself as if he really did have abnormally great attributes particularly in the brain and pituitary gland. It didn’t even really matter that the whole thing could be nonsense, they were able to feel goo about themselves based solely from a comment from another. Today was fast and loose and it felt right and I didn’t give as much as a fuck about sentences or any proper bullshit, that can come later when you revise, but this first raw crud on the screen is going to just be what it. See that was a story! A pretty good story, it has a point which is be kind to yourself and others. Praise early and often! Love You! 796 6:34am

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