August 27th 2020 Thursday 5:58am

I want to make a sauce, a vegan sauce. I keep thinking about it. The last two nights I cooked carrots, broccoli, and beans. Covering them in butter and salt make them satiating. If I had a nondairy fat sauce to dip or pour over stuff like that I could get off the animal product a little more. Or actually find somewhere that has high quality butter. The narrative controller in my head has already leaned too far towards convincing me that there so many things you have thought about wanted to do, for example getting some local high quality butter, that you refuse or neglect to plan out because of unconscious laziness, then you bring up some judgement about it and what it means to you and how you couldn’t possible move intu another way of being about it. Thats just one small example. The energy it takes to deal with this shit is exhausting. It has to be up to me to figure this out, duh! Only you can figure out what is true to you what you prefer. Starting a project to complete would be sweet. Sweet as day, sweet as morning. But it’s boring, and no ones scoring. The aliveness in your eyes slowly dies as the surprise of missed compromise opens your eyes. Can’t tell if this is one of three. Too many visions of me firkin with not life another side of darkness. To become one with the sun to fulfill the final purpose. Reverse this conception and be set back to the ether. Severe feeling of joy when I see her. There has to be a deeper word for joy. The fullness of a love filled joyous feeling deep within the chest is not summed up with just the word joy. Illustrating this with just words takes some kind of deepness too. What about coincidence? The other day you got a random text that you believed to be coincidence because you thought of the person that morning. In that moment I feel like I know everything. When I am really able to detach from all the material. Get around myself to step out in front of my bullshit this deep happiness sinks within me. It feels like an anchor, like no matter where I am I will be rooted down somewhere deep. I bet since everything is flip-flopped and nothing “makes sense” the “underworld” is full of love, compassion, connection, and the sky is full of hatred, confusion, and malevolence. What if? Cool, great argument, good points too, going going going nowhere! Gone is how I feel, its like I left Spencer, the one who wants to clean up his act, his spaces, his behaviors and habits. “I” left him and “I’m” running the show. You want everything that I want now. You can’t go outside its dangerous out there so you might as well stay in and stay safe because that is what we like and what we are used to. “I” want to be overly comfortable. How “I” do this is by controlling each moment from past experience. Hah, controlling has troll in it. Basically “I” just troll your conscious thoughts and feelings causing you to perceive things that are not there. How you then interpret these things is either a confirmation of the inconsistencies between perceived occurrences or apprehensive acceptance of a world created by perception. The moments that you realize that you have perceived something that couldn’t possible be you tend to get down on yourself for allowing the “I” ego thing to steer me so far off course that I am actually perceiving things so skewed that they aren’t actually “happening”. Sure sometimes they are funny or whatever, but the proclivity of the ego mind to create frameworks for how things are for you that are based in nothing but fantasy and are only but a running program to keep yourself distracted from the more important questions. What is my fucking purpose? I know it, I just have yet to express it. See even that was a deflection of pretentious proportions because you even as much as you know and feel your truth and what can and will bring you joy, you also know and feel that what it takes to get to a place where you are expressing yourself fully takes a commitment to completion of objective tasks with measurable results. You know that it isn’t going to just happen for you. You have taken your life for granted for way too long… Dang, it just never stops, the digging into the past shit… Watch out for that, how often you go into historic narrative mode to deal with new unknown information. No body knows you. They know versions of you. Not the real you, the “real” you is true. Rooted in truth and the expression of human. I want to meet with this person and speak more on how we can make things better for ourselves and others. I don’t want to be vulnerable or be abandoned. Now that you know what the challenge is. Go for it. Love you bye! 855 6:51am

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