August 26th 2020 Wednesday 6:08am

The impulse to write the first thing that is coming up and out for me may not be the most progressive way to continue on with this practice. Riddling off a string of complaints with a few fleeting moments of clarity in-between sounds a lot like life but I want to be better. Shit this act of typing on the computer is better. I read some of last years writing earlier, I was comparatively in a worser spot. Which gives me hope and perspective for where I am now. What this year was lacking not just for me, but everybody, is connection. The abundance of connection last year was the most it had ever gotten. Now we are all in a realm that is far different from anything we could have perceived going into 2021. Regardless of the year, It really is only about you focusing and pinpointing on what “it” is. James Clear spoke multiple times in atomic habits so far about potential. I’m pretty sure I wrote that word yesterday or the day before. I definitely remember a few days ago writing about fire and how its sole purpose is to burn as hot, as big, and as long as possible. That is not how I feel right now. Right now I feel frustrated. Frustrated that I can’t “get it together” enough to just move on from “bad” habits and patterns and move forward into new “better” habits and patterns. In two days it will be the three year anniversary of that first wonderful day at Moms. Seems like a lifetime and a moment all at once. Again and again you gotta just give yourself credit, respect and acknowledgment. My years as a mechanic consisted of losing any sight of purpose more and more. For years I subtly tormented myself by believing that I deserved some kind of punishment for my existence. Since I believed it, it was true. Regardless of all the story, I developed a lot of bad habits along the way. Starting at a very young age. I find myself with a proclivity to be uninterested in people. I was able and allowed to exist on my own getting what I want generally when I want. I got good at being secretive about stuff. Especially putting stuff off or not doing it. Straight up lying. Hmm. It was fourth grade? maybe before, but we had to do a paper for health class. I just didn’t do it. I wanted to pretend like I forgot or something but I didn’t like school, I didn’t like the health teacher, and I didn’t like writing papers. I feel like it also has something to do with DARE and I took it all as a total joke that I wasn’t participating in. I can kind of remember her asking everyone to just place their report on her desk on the way out. I walked by, motioned like I was placing an invisible paper on the desk and walked out. Weeks later when it came down to grading and choosing the best because yea it was some kind of contest too. That as well was another subtle deterrent was the fact that it was some kind of contest and I was and still am pretty anti competitive. That comes from being enabled to lie and sneak around with all the little things until Im here writing this getting upset with myself because for the better part of 25 years you have been acting a certain way and now your like “oh wow non of this is good” so then you feel wrong and bad and lose faith and continue the cycles. But yea back to the story, the health class teacher pulled me aside one day and asked where my report was. I flat out lied and told her I put it in the pile with everyone else’s and then told her she must have lost it. Then that was the end of it, no more investigation, no call to the parents, no reprint, nothing, I lied the world into existence. I got away with it then, and I continued to get away with doing the minimal amount of work as possible. Especially when it came down to having a difficult teacher, I put more judgement on them than the actual work. Which makes sense like you just don’t feel motivated to work for someone that you don’t like. Another even earlier memory from like second grade just came up around silver dollar sea shells that a classmate brought in. They were being passes around and when I got them I tweaked it a little to test its strength and it broke in two and I looked around no one noticed and I put them on an empty desk next to me. As if the invisible kid next to me did it and I had no involvement. The stories of pretending to be invisible as often as possible keep coming up. What? I’m at 830 it’s 6:58am

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *