August 24th 2020 Monday 5:36am

So sore from overeating last night, I feel like I got beat up. Instead of going out and actively seeking a punch in the gut. I shove stuff down my gullet and punch myself from the inside. Why I feel like I “deserve” a punch in the gut is what I was getting into yesterday. So since it’s right there I can weave it in with the maps of meaning. I liked the idea that the ancient Sumerian myth was like the sea and the sky were separated but always together. Their creation was also what created them ongoingly. The other part I got through reading part of the first chapter was that since the introduction of secular western idea the myths that seemingly held things together began to get poked and prodded by intellectuals. See it was the scientific revolutions that occurred during the turn of the 19th century that lead man to such a disrupted place, somewhere he has rarely and more than likely never been before during his time here on earth. Its kind of funny because for thousands of year crusaders were doing their best to control everyone with religious ideology. Then all of a sudden after humans have been stripped of a clear moral compass, higher purpose, faith, they become hopeless and more easily lead and controlled. I barely know enough about this stuff yet to make much sense of it but it has been a weird transition in recent year to be thinking about god and faith. It makes way more sense than the faithless random occurrence of human existence. I’m curious now how hardcore atheists justify their existence and what moral code they align with. So much of our society is modeled after Christian moral constructs. I find it interesting that I find this interesting. My parents both seemingly had bad experiences with christianity, so I was raised with no religion. Not the worst thing but at a certain point I realized that I had nothing to believe in. I barely scraped the surface my whole life thinking about god or what I actually believe in. When I was very young I was being babysat by a friend and we were playing in the back yard. The conversation of god and faith came up. His family wasn’t super religious but they did teach some bible stuff to their kids. So he believed in god and had a healthy fear of god if he was to do something “bad” or “wrong.” Me on the other hand wax taught nothing about god, at that point I had no structure in believe in god. I intended to prove that god wasn’t real by showing him that I could curse out god and they wouldn’t do anything about it. I began to curse “fuck you, fuck you god, you’re not real, fuck you” and flip both my middle fingers at the sky. Even in the moment I admittedly was a little bit apprehensive, like what if? What if god is real and isn’t going to like being cursed at… But I had fully committed at that point. I have always been such a renegade. I am the one that wants to thrust himself forward into the thick of the battle. A whole shit ton of nerve. Thick nerves? Is that a thing? Does everyone have relatively similar nerve thicknesses or do they vary? You would think thicker wiring would allow for either more flow or more resistance. It’s 6:12am I’ll be back…

9:20am I’m back, what the fuck, the fact that three hours has passed that quickly is something to look at… time, it’s a weird one. Currently sipping on butter coffee, this stuff nearly always does me right, it’s hard to pull off every day but especially on the mornings after binging too much too late the fat seems to ease the stomach tension while lifting my spirits into actually wanting to move. Isn’t that the most fucked up thing is that if you feel like shit and don’t want to move you will continue to feel like shit and not move. Wether it’s butter coffee or cocaine whatever works for you to keep forward momentum going. Feeling so up and down and indecisive about everything keeps me in a constant state of survival. Nothing is ideal, everything sucks, and where I was at and where I could be are the only places I want to place my attention. Where I could be hah. Where you I be? What should I be? What should be? Abundance, joy, love, conflict, charisma, equity. A fire should be burning, one that should grow larger. The fire should grow as to the total extent that it can. Use up all its resources and burn out. Maybe even become so big that the sparks cause other fires to erupt, it then exponentially keeps growing and never stops. The fires of the dead burn amongst and within us all. Done. Bye. Love You! 831 9:32am

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