August 23rd 2020 Sunday 5:16am

I went to sleep a bit earlier last night and woke up over fifteen minutes before my alarm. I got up to pee and immediately stepped in dog poo. Sometimes it’s nice to have a moment like that first thing in the morning. The poo on the foot itself is not nice, it is gross and annoying, but the reaction to the incident can be nice. Especially when you are able to negate any agitation for compassion for yourself and your dog. Theres no one to be mad at, theres to nothing to be mad about. You could definitely get lost in the throws of anger in a moment if you were to wish things were not the way the were currently. “I’m not supposed to step in poo” as my welcoming to the world today could be a thought. A rear observation upon where you are at currently is necessary to not allow aggravation to set it. I feel as if I did a good job of not being upset about the situation. However I am now questioning if I wasn’t perturbed because I was mindful or because I in some sick way feel like I dissevered it. Or like that was the result of me being where I am at. Like I am questioning myself, am I being shitty? Is that what this is a sign of? I keep having the urge to be like “I can’t” get myself out of this funk. Then dive into all the reasons why I flaked the past several days on everything. Initially it’s all the superficial crap like I didn’t plan on doing it, I was too this or too that, not enough of this not enough of that, same boring crap. Then it gets into deeper meaning and story about the history of who I am and how I have historically done things. How I interact with the world as a person. A person who want to represent or stand for something but is confused. Tell me about it… I just had to pause and reread because I got confused about what I was even trying to convey. It’s about poo and things being shitty. The deeper dive you want to take is looking at what you are using as justification to allow shittiness to not only be prevalent, but to have it be something you allow because you feel as if you deserve nothing better. I know there is a weird truth in there. You are basically thinking that due to some unpaid karmic debt you are stepping in shit as a way to make up for or pay for being a shitty person… Like you allow it because you have some judgement system upon who you are and the stuff you have done that you would deem as pushing some limit of common decency that possibly would end up in some get what you give scenario. You give shittiness, you get shittiness.

Whatever. This is also supposed to be about time. I realized this morning that some of what I am struggling with is a relationship with “time”. I cut that last paragraph off because I felt it was going no where, I didn’t feel like rereading it, and I have been writing for over 30 minutes. It feels like it’s been closer to 15, what’s up with that? Like earlier when I woke up before the alarm the 15 or so minutes I laid in bed felt way longer. Maybe the reason I feel so deserving of shittiness is the relationship with time? Time is pretty specific when talking about clocks counting numbers, but outside of the measurement time is something else. Time is seemingly more dependent on perception. That opens up realms of possibility, change, and transformation when acknowledging that time can depend on how you perceive your existence and being within and around it. I am currently getting more anxious thinking about time. When I get enough sleep I feel very capable, so capable that the thinking mechanisms get on blast about all the stuff I was seemingly too tired to get done. So it quickly turns to overwhelm and a whole slew of shittiness thrown about how you have wasted so much time. I don’t even like saying that because a part of me doesn’t believe it to be true. “Wasted time” seems like a superstition, like I don’t want to believe it, but I know plenty of people do so I am suspect of my own beliefs and understanding of the way that life works. It’s like I know, I know a lot of thing, so much so that it seems overwhelming. When you feel overwhelmed your progressive abundance driven motivation and will weaken. Other motivations driven by lack and suppression then inevitably creep in, these motivations like to poke at ideas and test things. The result is even though you “know better” you want to see how far you can take it before either you get caught or something fails. In most minor situations no one is going to catch you and what is failing is your body, mind, and spirit being able to generate any hope… You then may find yourself in a peculiar predicament. 871 6:12am

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