August 20th 2020 Thursday 5:57am

I changed it up today. I wrote in the notebook first. I had an urge to draw out some kind of plan. I ended up listing a few wants. It ended with a thought about how there is a pervasive idea in your psyche about a nearing apocalypse. I am getting a little worried just thinking about it. The apocalypse I imagine isn’t some biblical climax to humanity. More like this place where it just all ends. The framework for how I imagined life to work looks like a plateau with a drop off. It just always occurred to me like the subject (as in me, or any human) is *supposed to get to a place and then it all *works out like it should and then you get to leave. I am finding that is not the case. You spent the better part of your twenties just waiting for things to change. Yup that is what happened, great, is this just going to be some long stream of this same conversation about how there was this thing that you found important but you didn’t do this or weren’t enough at and now that thing has passed you by. But really everything is still just waiting for you to commit to a life worth living and be more playful about it. The seriousness for which you take all the things must be lessened. Like i feel that somewhere I took that last sentence personally. Seriously lighten up. The end is not near. What if the end meant you were actually needed and wanted in a meaningful way. That is the problem wit’cha. You’re imagining the end as some kind of final judgement. Maybe even some harsh uncovering of apparent sins you have perpetrated. Stop it! The point I wanted to make about all of this is that there is no end to come unless you step into your power. The universe knows you are basically weak right now and if it were to test you, you would crumble. Thats an exaggeration but it is also a function of getting what you give. I feel like I am bargaining, like if I keep my actions as neutral as possible with occasional acts of selfless contribution I should be alright on freak things from happening. Do freak things actually happen? Yes, yes they do and you have witnessed it happen. Which is a weird and worrisome thought that there are things outside of your control. But like was I put here to do my best to avoid these hiccups? or am I here to interact fully with the situation and gain from it what I can? I wrote over three years ago that my mind is weak. I do generally feel stronger, great story, riveting. What is the fucking point of this? To continue a practice that has no structure so you continue to choose poor grammar and wording over producing something actually worth reading. There is that weird pull in both directions. Does one write only to have it be read? Why else would you write? I guess if it is something you generally enjoy and feel like it brings you something that you wouldn’t get otherwise then sure thats a reason to do a thing. But like at a certain point presenting your stuff to someone would more than likely give you a better perspective into what the fuck it is you are doing here and what about it actually makes you feel like something meaningful is happening. When the thoughts of words translate directly into the words being typed on the computer is kind of a magical feeling. Like I can do anything. I can write anything, I can make up anything, and guess what? It doesn’t matter because no one has to read it. What about a story about Spencer. Dang, I immediately got a cringe of worry. Back to the first topic of this apparent end that I imagine. Even making up a story rings a little excitement in the mechanisms that keep me “safe” that are actually holding me back. Then this apparent end that I fear is actually a voice in my ear from another entity about how “it” is going to perish if you go along with another way of being. The crazy part is that you listen to and generally believe this thing… You really do think it’s “you” that is scared. However you know that you are very capable of being courageous in the face of what you fear. You are knower, you know what to do. Doing it is the work. Being is the conduit for transformation. Share! 777 6:51am

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