August 19th 2020 5:54am Wednesday

I’m late. So many could have, should have, because conversations are arising in my mind. I was far away from myself last evening. Still an excuse trying to justify letting my phone die, not setting the alarms, and being too distracted watching David Blaine on Joe Rogans podcast. Are you going to hold it against yourself now? Like everything you could possibly do right today has already been foiled by a minor mistake from last night? This really is how the human condition navigates life. You are putting yourself down for things that you don’t even remember. Imagine if I could write faster, then I wouldn’t even be worried about waking up late and not quite having enough time to get this done. What is the point again? Practice? You realized yesterday that playing isn’t practicing. You are as good as you have ever been at playing Chris’ song but you play it sloppy so you get sloppy results. Enough of this degrading bullshit. I am fortune as fuck to have this opportunity. You are friendly, kind, and caring. You are admirable for all these things, just because you have been spinning around your same old circles doesn’t mean you get to disregard what you really are. When I was writing last night I was realizing how much my “ego” has stopped me from sharing myself. Everything is to protect this “not looking bad” entity that has full power and control all the time that you are not super aware of what you are consciously doing. That thing must be showed who’s boss. I am the fucking boss, I am too also a boss so it works twice. No but seriously David Blaine made me want to do an extended fast. At least a week. Fuck he went 44 days… I would love to do two weeks. Also would love to do detoxifying protocols during fasting to rid myself of the sugary monsters that add another level of overly protective self preservation. This entity is a community of millions and billions of bacteria. Protecting itself, preserving its integrity to a point of maximum expansion is in direct relationship with the amount of sugary bullshit I consume. So being without it is dangerous and will inevitably cause death and destruction for the colony. “They” “it” may not want it but you do, and you have power, control, and dominion over all things that involve you. Gotta go and come back…6:18am

Back, it’s 8:57am, I really wanted to put this off even longer but any more time staring at my phone or checking the fridge and cabinets for some mystery that wasn’t there before will cause me to fall deeper and deeper into this pull towards nothingness, its like this sentence, it’s long, not productive, not really anything but time spent on something that may be a thing but raises the question was it time well spent? Do question marks always end sentences, do capitol letters always start them? I should take a writing class, I should buy a boat, I could should probably can do just bout anything I put my worried little mind to, not little like in actual size, or even little as in shallow or not very well thought out, fuck I drifted on that one far far far away and that was where it will go. Fine since there is another thought I will finish that sentence. Topics, data, reasons why it all correlates is what you should be doing. Like what of you worked on a whole thing about what you have been circling around which is “the lesser of two evils is still evil”. apparently it’s a Jerry Garcia quote. It would be funny to make quotes that people didn’t say. Or do the thing that has only been a thought until now about making memes of “quotes” but really lyrics of musical people, enlightened ass shit like, “if it makes you happy, it cant be that bad, if it makes you happy, then why are you so sad” -socrates. Fuck ok the internet wasn’t working then I just spent way too much time staring at craigslist housing rental postings. I really want to get out of here. That should be where all you energy and effort is heading. I want to choose to be in the perfect spot. I think about the lack of stability in the house I live in currently. It feels so shaky and it was proven to me early on when the neighbor knocked on my door to make sure I wasn’t being attacked because my friends were wrestling in the kitchen, hmm, I’m having deja vu… But yea it would be so legit to have a place with solid fucking floors, it irks the fuck out of me that the house is so bouncy. The vibrations of my feet at the back of the house feel like I am shaking the whole house and I wouldn’t be surprised if you could feel them from the front and im not putting in nearly any effort so like a jump or a fall is gonna put me through the floor. Whatever. Just move, love you bye! 864 9:32am

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