August 18th 2020 5:50am Tuesday

This is most likely going to turn into a stream of complaints because I don’t feel like doing this right now. I have been neglecting myself. It feels like I am separate. This feeling sucks. How it plays out is distraction and consumption. Every time I feel a little out of whack or uneasy I immediately reach for the distraction. Hitting up a friend, hitting up my phone, hitting up food, something to keep me from having to really deal with myself. Outside of this practice of writing and unloading all this bullshit into a medium I am not been with myself. I have spent little to no time reflecting, reading, meditating, doing something actually kind for myself. All I end up doing are things that fill a void in a moment because you refuse to plan anything out. You have had your sight on the importance of planning and goal setting for over two years. You know it is what you need to gain deeper access into your power, yet you put it off. The cycle is so fucked, you want to change, but you don’t plan for change. Stop it! It’s so annoying to then make myself wrong for “not” doing these things. Which in turn makes me feel less powerful and totally incapable of doing the thing I know to do. That is what is so insidious about it all is that you berate yourself over not doing anything. You claim to know what to do. Then you end up doing nothing due to a myriad of reasons which I hope to dig into today. Then the result is more of the same ordinary human bullshit. I just keep on waiting around like someone is going to do it for me. It runs so deep because I have been in these patterns for most of my life. It hasn’t been until recent times that I have found myself able to trick myself into new habits and out of old ones. But the old ones come back, over and over. Some of these habits I developed not so long ago and I do believe they can be overcome. I know it will take new habits and commitment to yourself. What I also know is that when you judge your own worth and value it tend to be very low on whatever scale you are using for measurement. That too is a fucked framework for how I place some kind of measurement judgement on myself. Like I am really low on this scale because I have been spending too much time away from myself. Actually thats more of a result of the underlying judgement of how the value you have for yourself is playing out causing you to be stuck in an act. The judgement is based in unresolved issues from childhood that I have made uber meaningful. I keep wanting to pinpoint the thing/things that lead me here. I want to define the condition in which I have developed to cope with what I felt like I lacked at a time when I was too young to understand things. At least I am aware now, kind of. I am constantly back and forth with where I intend to put my energy. Should I dig deeper into my psyche attempting to uncover some hidden truth about the way I process things? Or should I use what I know about how I work and plan to make changes? Its like one sentence Im like yea there seem to be a deep empty feeling of sorrow attached to my worth and adequacy. And the next is like let’s create some affirmations and plans to get you out of the patterns that keep you so locked in a room. A lot of the bedrock meaning for me stems from an experience where I was stuck waiting. I know I was the one that created all the meaning around it. But the feeling of deep rooted actual fear and terror rise up when thinking about the experience. Its where a lot of waiting for the authority to guide me comes from. I am still there waiting for the authority to come back and tell me which way to go. But they never come back and I am left with feelings of abandonment, which I immediately turn inward into feelings of being at such a low worth that I am able to be abandoned so easily. I keep wanting to put it back on myself and take some kind of responsibility, no, you were too young, you cannot take any responsibility for being some way at a very young age. You now can take responsibility on how it plays out currently. But the experience is at the fault of unfortunate circumstances, thats about it. The thing I uncovered today is that the feeling of low value stemming from not only being so easily abandoned, also not being worthy of valuable enough to come back for. I feel like I’m still waiting. There, you did it, you identified a feeling related with patterns and behaviors. Now what? 853 6:44am

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