August 17th 2020 5:17am Monday

Here we are again. All caught up now. Yesterday was the day before and the day before that was the previous. Can we stop justifying tyranny? Like if just because you hate yourself and your life because thats what you have been taught to do doesn’t mean you can keep spreading false information to justify your own masochist tendencies. It’s like you’re justifying the pain, like you are actually supposed to be experiencing the pain. You normalize pain because that is what you were thrown into and what everyone else seems to be doing. We truly are all to blame too. You spout off about what you think is true and a bunch of weak minded and weak willed people around believe it because they themselves may not use masks for torture. The torture could be anything, but the result is feeling less than. So when you talk about shit the others that feel so bad about themselves listen and think that since you have some confidence about what you are saying it must be true. Definitely truer than anything they could find to be true because they are so caught up with unstable emotional states that keep them from knowing what is really true to themselves. We need to be having conversation based in wonder not falseness. It’s just a mask is so detrimental to the health of all the humans in the world. Thats the stuff that is literally right in our face. The other stuff we comply with is so sneaky and behind everything that the conversation barely comes up. However the ones talking about it as if it is just some thing that we just have to except now have to be stopped. Like for example everything being connected to google, Facebook, and apple. Shit I have the conversation with myself all the time about how normalized the total obstruction my personal privacy and information has become and how I justify it to myself because of the luxury of the thing itself. Which gets into scarier and scarier territory real quick. Like what if there was mandatory compliance with having the phone, or some tracking device on your person at all times. How easy would it be especially with some spun ass narrative like its to keep you safe and make sure you’re still alive and well. The conversations would just be like “its just a tracking device, and so what if it needs me to put in all my personal private information, and yea sure checking in every hour is annoying because if you don’t do it the automated service calls and makes sure you are alive, and this one time I fell asleep and the automated service actually sent tracking drones to all of my last known locations and it found me and woke me up to get me to turn off the alarm for the tracking system, like sure that was kind of annoying but like we all have to do it to feel safe.”

Blazing through these words today. Ever since I decided to publish these ramblings I have become way more choice with words. Which also leads me to stop. Rather than just continue writing sentences like this one where I am just getting real meta about the act of doing this typing thing turning letters on a keyboard into words and sentence that attempt to make some sense. Even further the words can be arranged in sentences and “make sense” but without any context there is little or no information to grasp. What this is and most if not all of my writing has been is a commentary on myself, the stuff I perceive, and probably more than anything a constant meta analysis on what I am commenting on and perceiving. Seemingly a constant consideration of your thoughts, feelings, actions and how they play out to give you the place where you are at currently. Also there is this hope that in between these fast moving sentences of seemingly arbitrary confusion I create a kind of rhythm, timbre, or prose that I can continue to adapt and turn into something that is not just uniquely me it is palatable by others because it is just such a free expression of the human condition. This is deep down the thing I want to be in action about, yet it always escapes my conscious activities plus it is a weird place to be constantly, but I feel most alive diving into the intricate ways in which human interact with reality. Yet… I haven’t done the kind of studying necessary to get a deeper understanding of what other have thought about this kid of stuff before… I did well, it took all the way to down here to do one of those things. You say something that you want to do or would be a cool idea or topic, then you immediately slam yourself for not doing anything, theres always a but, yet, or however after the thing that you actually are interested about, then you immediately bring yourself down about it, and instead of feeling inspired to achieve you feel lack because you haven’t already, even more so all the time you haven’t been spending doing the things comes into question and judgment by your inner monologue and you get to feel even worse. Like look at all the time you had to do all the things. That whole time plus all the the current and future time is a lot of time and the more time the more wrong you are for not doing what actually excites you. It’s like you are analyzing the judgmental stories with the judge that creates the judgmental stories. It’s such a wild cyclical experience. All you really gotta do is pray on some “I am not any of this”. I am not my mind, body, spirit, soul, nothing. I am not I. Just is. As is. Is still has I in it. Hmm. All love one, one love all. 1003 6:01am

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