August 15th 2020 6:52am Saturday

I want to at least start something here because I already did a bunch of writing today in the day previous because yesterday morning I was writing for the day before. Its a whole thing. At least if I care enough to put down 750 today I can continue my writing streak. Its wild that it has been over three months. The thing that is messed up about this practice is you have not yet found any interest in reading, reviewing, and possibly editing the content you are spewing out into something a little more polished. You could spend hours sifting through all the stuff you ramble about and probably find enough stuff to create something profound. Fuck, I’m in a mood today, it is really to be expected at this point. You are not treating yourself kindly. You are constantly kidding yourself over what you are doing. What does that even mean? Not sure, I was thinking about eating when that came out. How it is a kind thing to do to feed yourself good food, but at what point is it too much, why don’t you care? What makes pushing the limit of food ingestion so appealing? It actually is beyond the ingestion it comes from the feeling of being full. Like if full is good then comatose is better. Its the ultimate comfort, you don’t have to think, move, do anything, you just get to sink into the couch. I don’t even own a couch anymore because I know my habits of laying around run deep. It just occurred to me some memories had forgotten about. A few years ago when I lived at S Davis upstairs my nickname was “dad” because how regularly I was falling asleep on the couch. It was daily life for years to go to work, come home, drink beers smoke weed eat pizza, that was it, for months. Kind of forgot about how the time period primed me for what I am actively trying to get over. Even into the time when you lived downstairs, all you did was work, drink, smoke, eat, pass out, repeat. In contrast to how much stuff you have done over the past few years and how you have really cleaned up your diet you are actually do substantially better and you really aren’t integrating that. Every time you get all down on yourself like its the end of the world because you have a ravenous desire to eat everything, you focus on it somehow being the biggest failure ever know to fricken man and lose all confidence in yourself in being successful in any and all aspects. Just because you have some bad habits and patterns that again you would rather blame yourself, the pattern, the world instead of identifying it working towards doing something about it. Like you have the choice, you make the decisions. So what if you ate way to much and now you feel like shit? Does that have to immediately be a reflection of how much confidence you allow yourself to have in your expression of love and truth within yourself. You are creating distrust. You know that you are loving, compassionate, intelligent, and all kind of good stuff. Yet you choose to pretend like you are inadequate because of playing into habit. You aren’t inadequate you’re normal. You are selling yourself short and not really getting where you are at. You may not see it, but the habits and patterns are not out of inadequacy or lack. They actually appear because a boredom in abundance, an abuse of abundance. You really are using it to confuse yourself about what you are all about and capable of. The old scripts are running the show while the current version of you scrambles around feeling ba because they haven’t figured it out yet. As if there is something to be figured out. Whatever. Alls this really comes down to is where? what?when? and how? Man that is a confronting conversation I just brought up. In moments after writing that and thinking about it all kinds of reasons and resistances, rejections popped up. When? Not possibly now, tomorrow, ill want to do the things tomorrow. Where? Here, I guess, I don’t know, can I give you a definite answer tomorrow after I think about it? So much resistance… You really don’t want it. Thats the other thoughts that come up too is that faced with an ugly situation that I don’t want to actively deal with but feel pressured to act in. I will contemplate doing the worst thing I can possibly do just to get back at this life, and the world I’ve been thrown into. This hopeless, fuck the world, fuck everything bullshit is so weak, like you stand for nothing. You stand for senselessness, illogical chaos that brings with it nothing but misery. Why? Because you were hurt as a child? Show the world that is not the way to be. You are aware of it so you are responsible for it, thats kinda it, dang I wrote a lot today…850 7:23am

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