August 13th 2020 5:53am Thursday

Every day since May I have gotten on here and written something. Mostly nonsense, but there are some gems in there. I now have to go through the seemingly odd task of going back taking notes and picking from the abundance tree of words. I have cumulatively written all the words I ever need to or will again, just in different combinations. I was reading some of the stuff I was writing during the forum and advanced courses three years ago and It really sucked and didn’t make a whole lot of practical sense. Still kind of struggle with that. I couldn’t remember this good quote the course leader at the advanced course said. I didn’t even know I wrote it down but I did, it is “yesterdays transformation is todays ego trip”. That shit slaps… it bangs hard, it is on point, hits the nail. SO what are you going to do? Keep telling the story of how you were there and now you are here. Or are you going to commit yourself towards growth and development and actively create the story that which you are living in, and comment on the experience with story to explain what its like to experience things the way you do as someone striving to become something else. The phase where you suck and complain all the time is the part that no one gets to see, no one want to see or believe that things are going to be really tough especially if you are considering making a measurable change in some aspect of life. Ugh that was a pretty good short thought I have to go open produce at 6:30 so I gotta cut outta here and get on intu getting ready. Love you bye 6:04am

It is now 6:52am the next day 8/14/20 and I have some intention of finishing this draft but still. Yesterday was the first time you didn’t hit 750. I feel as if I have fallen off from any momentum I did have. What a great time to just finish this one up and move on as if it didn’t even matter all that much. Because guess what? It didn’t matter all that much. You can continue to act like every little thing you aren’t doing that you feel you should ought to be is some reflection or judgement about who you are and what you are capable of. We have witnessed how tough you can be on yourself and the lack of movement that creates hen faced with this minor inconsistencies before. This really is going through it. You know why to its because insecurity around making a decision. Thats it, its simple but the Bain of your existence. Its way to serious, you can make a decision and change it, thats better than never choosing in the first place. Choose something for fucks sake, thats the game, that all you have to do and you know how to do that. If someone hired you to make decisions for them you could do it easily. I would do it fucking well. Like if I could somehow hire myself and disconnect from the ego trippin narcissistic tendencies that keep me wrapped up in my own self sabotage. Then I might stop self sabotaging and actually work towards a meaningful cause, imagine that? Imagine if your meaningful cause was intugenius, something that Spencer generated or was given who knows and this entity is hiring for someone to create their brand. The one thing I would ask if I was being hired to do this is what do you do? what do you sell? Which your answer would be some long winded explanation that concludes that I know what I am talking about in the sense that I know that I am talking about things that aren’t real and don’t make a ton of sense when explained outside of context, so I know I am talking about nonsense, which is still nonsense even if I am not directly expressing the nonsense. Eh perception is funky, nonsense for some is perfect sense for others so lighten up. Your direction is yet to happen because worry around making decisions, yes, back to that things. The biggest thing keeping you and this project apart. The reason, fuck it doesn’t have to be a reason but it does because it would immediately be a reason if you had one. Some reasons just don’t seem worth it more so, like if I were to set a goal of losing 10lbs the reason of being 10lbs lighter isn’t motivation enough to keep me wanting to do the things. Fuck, unless it was set up personally, it worked for you, dang I have to go to work but good shit today you finished yesterday, start today complete, full of joy, gratitude, and compassion, I love you, have a wonderful day!812 7:13am

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