Today has been a little rough so far. Hit the snooze until about five. Last night I worked a short two to eight shift at work. When I got home I played guitar sitting on the edge of the bed for a bit. After I was done I laid back and dozed off for a while. I woke up over an hour later because the light was on. I ate more banana bread turned the light off and went to sleep. Eating too later will leave you feeling like crap ever time. I want to experience the consequence of a decision and not make myself wrong about it. The consequence is bad enough. No use kicking yourself when you’re down. I luckily have hope or something going on today. The counter to eating carbs making you feel icky is that they do provide energy. So they hope could be carb driven while also bringing on feels of sickness soreness and disorientation. Balance! Mediation ? I don’t think so, this story is boring moving on because I am blanking constantly wondering why I am even writing the things I write down, to consistently fall into a run on sentence of a thought put into words through your fingers? Is that the only reason you get up super early just to be able to feel some sort of creative flow of some sort? That would make some sense because I have felt in tases fleeting moments of peace in flowing through the mornings. This practice is opening up something.
The thing I was thinking about right before I began was that when I started my fantastical wellness voyage. I wrote a lot of “intuitive genius” stuff down in a little book. I am looking through it to find the secret, what is the angle? Then it dawned on me that maybe one reason you have been seemingly struggling recently is because you are not writing fanatical words down. Since you aren’t surrounding yourself with constant reminders of your word and your commitment to it. Commitment comes into question. This leaves you questioning yourself, what you believe, and leaves you distrusting yourself. This distrustingness flows into all other aspects of life. It isn’t important to know exactly what you are going to do but doing something towards something with some kind of measurable trajectory is the sure fire way to getcha moving in the right direction.
Taking a long time to get this one out today, still thinking too much about it like, does anyone even have access to this no. Will anyone go back and read the posts? I don’t think so? Can some kind of artificial intelligence read and interpret all of this? Probably at this point. But yea still very much hesitant to write in more open style because of the fear of judgement about how it looks like or comes out. But I like to do it. Here it goes with the lightest words. My ethereal presence representing the peasants peacocking the masses with superconductive compassion. That wasn’t so bad… huh ok lets just let it roll now. I have no time left I will have to com back after running and get the rest done. 6:17am
9:06am Back, almost forgot, had to lie on the floor for a while, yup I fucked up gotta come back again
8/13/20 – 5:43am Yup, I put it off all day yesterday. I am a chronic procrastinator. It probably gives me more joy putting something off then actually accomplishing it because you aren’t giving yourself enough credit for accomplishing things so anything you do seems less meaningful then it could. Th silliest thing you continue to put in your way is some totally false story about how “this” is ever going to go away or like how you’ll figure out some way to mediate or treat it without actually dealing with anything, and by that time nothing will matter. Jennifer said that ego trippin bullshit doesn’t stop until like 55, thats only 23 more years, dang thats a lot of time, and then again it isn’t. What the fuck do you want to be doing at 55? Be a leader in an progressive artistic psychedelic community. If you can imagine it you can create it. This is where I typically stop myself, I have the great idea then I want to shit on it and explain how it won’t work or just change the subject all together. It’s annoying behavior. The actual progression of my writing my journey, my life would actually be interesting enough to watch for someone wanting to do the same. Fucking finally done.769 5:52am