August 11th 2020 5:36am Tuesday

Feeling so lost and empty about continuing to exist in behaviors that distract me from myself. So many behaviors from being young were just the way that I did things. The way that everyone does things. Staying up too late watching tv, is what endlessly scrolling on your phone is today. The point is that these learned programmed behaviors are set in motion way before you existed. The behaviors signify depression, anxiety, want for something outside yourself. Fuck my coffee is good this morning, what the fuck, how about we talk about that for a second other than all of this depressing shit. Your constant analysis of all the neurotic shit you do is barely even scratching the surface of all the bogus shit going on in my head about who I am, whats going on, and what I say to myself about all of it. What I want to get across is that I was taught, learned, taught myself that staying up too late watching tv was good, an accomplishment even. I never knew the consequence! Duh, so you kept pushing the limit waiting for the consequence to occur, but it doesn’t happen that quick, the addiction forms over years and then eventually you are always coming back. But yea those things that I perceived as good back in the day now are definitely perceived as bad or wrong. Which make me wrong and bad presently because you are doing things that historically you enjoy doing, but now because you know the consequence you feel a sense that you “should” be responsible, and when you aren’t you get down on yourself again. It is such a constant struggle to stay in the same spot… Like you keep bringing yourself back down so you can rise to just where you were before, proably lower and then when you are actually feeling “good again” You then get faced with a new path to climb a further opportunity up and a certain part of you that seems to enjoy this trip motivates you to part take in behavior that is reckless towards responsibilities, the risk is way higher than reward. The reward is what it’s all about isn’t it? Getting all the dopamine hits for short term instant gratification bullshit. It feels like punishment in the long run. Like you only have so much and the spikes that tv, phone, food, give you deplete the fuck out the rest of the supplies, plus you get used to the spikes and don’t even feel. the waves of normal levels of cognitive juices. I just had a thought that everyone, yes everyone, every human being has a mental or cognitive “disorder” Why aren’t we taught this? The culture of eugenics and being normal, the same, and perfect is still upon us. Maybe? Either way the whole shit ain’t really flying high as well as it did a half century ago. The information is out there to be better, people are doing it every day. Dontcha you wanna play? Tell it like a story. Being unaware of the workings of the human mind and spirit the general consensus was that everything was controlled by forces outside of yourself and all fortune misery and luck come from some external source. This has changed but the feels linger on. To be completely honest I’m done writing about what ever the fuck I was rambling about, already I know, I was thinking too hard about trying to make some point that has probably already been made by someone way smarter than me. Wow so defeatist all the time, how’s that working out for ya? When you get into this flow of putting words down for the heck of it you find that your inner dialogue shits all over you and holds you down. Then you attempt to comment on it or even work out some way to curb the behavior, habit, pattern and then you get lost and then you trail off and get bored because truly there is no big answer to be found, you basically already know it, what you are doing is putting some craving for some ideal big answer to be the big solution when you know that the the solution is all within you within your grasp. You really aren’t starting small enough, the small gradual changes are what has gotten you this far, kicking and screaming the whole way. Not really sure what… Thats a “racket” it just blurted out. I had a point to this. I guess to show the defense mechanism in action, like I bring up solutions that aren’t pretty or instantly good and I’m like no I’m going right back to the cookie jar and having another one and another one and another one and I am going to completely trick myself into believing that tomorrow doesn’t matter, the fews days after for that matter, and being sick is just up to the universe, a gamble to decide whether or not the excess consumption effects me too poorly or not. This has been a weird one, I just went back and read what I wrote, It made a lot more sense than I thought it did, I basically gave up on myself just as I started the thought. It is definitely because it is a weird concept to pull all together into on phrase or even a few sentences. Again, you’re kinda just sabotaging yourself before you even tried, and that ok, I gotta get off of here, but first I want to liven the mood with. little bit of acknowledgement. You are really powerful, you have the ability to create magic. Let your magic abilities flow, love you, your doing great! 6:32am 955

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