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Tower

Waiting on the edge
How foolish I must look
Mind full of mistakes
Driven by worry
Let it go
You are only here now
Nothing exists
Forget everything
Remember the light
Just jump

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November 15th 2020 6:45am Sunday

Everyday shit, finally getting back into a groove of having at least some time to type out all this shit. Hey maybe what this all means is that for the next five, ten, twenty years you are going to be a mediocre writer but then boom you get the deal of a lifetime to write about ecstatic experiences. Photo, video, and written word about experiences is something I would love to do. I wrote yesterday about what the fuck would I do if I knew the cage was unlocked, the bars were broken, what would I do? I would try my best to get everyone on the bandwagon of self love, liberty, free critical thought, and sovereignty. That is what I feel is the realest, that is the deepest most important cause. Also as I have said to Colis a bunch of times on the phone, I would coach people on how to get to the place where they want to go, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I want to aspire to be more of a polymath, except fuck all the academic shit. I want to be a spiritualized mastermind that takes all aspects of this funky cage we are in and transcends barriers and bondage. I guess because it is right on the tip of my finger I should comment about actual occurrences in my world. I keep going over to the skatepark and feeling better and better. Except now I really do need to get some proper footwear because last night I mashed my right toe into the ground and it damn near pulled the whole front part of the sole off. I went around the park towards he launch into the circle and bitched out doing a barspin like five time. The last time I mashed my toes into the ground, it was cold enough the pain resonated and had me start getting worrying about it actually being damaged. I should have just thrown the fucking bars, thats the moral of this story, not only would you have the glory of doing the trick you probably wouldn’t have busted your toe the way you did. It’s fucking bonkers to me that this wrist thing convinced me to get out of riding for over a decade now. Currently it is still achey from the impacts of last night. I did do a 180 off a bar height ledge I was hopping up. I hopped up a lot of things, it felt good to do some physical activity. But yea the point is throw the fucking bars because you are gonna mash your toe if you don’t so you might as well go for the glory rather than bitch out and end up fucking yourself more than you would have. Other than that I guess I can get back to complaining about other things. Oh I guess I forgot to complain about being sore or whatever but that’s kind of expected, actually not even as sore as I thought I’d be. Sleep was weird af last night though. One of those sleeps that felt like I closed my eyes and then the alarm went off, out cold, but light slumber or something. Also the feels around lingering dreams I can’t recall. Not smoking is great and all but the dream thing is something so new and different. It feels like where I am today is exactly where I was last year around this time. I had stopped smoking, drinking, cigs, all that, except now I write on the computer in the mornings. I read too. This past year I was sober for more time than I had been in the past five years or so. And you wonder why progress seems slow. I want to complain that it’s taking too long. The biggest complaint I guess is a distrust in my ability to have control around others. I was tested big time last night when a skater dude wanted to ride my bike and he asked if I could hold his cig. I was moments from puffing on it, I didn’t even consider corona shit until right now, but yea I abstained. There were two girls there skating and rollerblading. I felt an itch to strike up some kind of conversation with them, but I was too judgey at the fact that they were drinking and smoking cigs. Dang I just realized how much of a judgmental projection you were putting upon them. Just because you are insecure about substances doesn’t mean you have to be rude to people who would benefit from your interaction. Also they were wearing masks at first which is another this that I have made some uber judgmental decisions about interacting with people who wear masks outside, but that a whole nother story. I just want to get clear that really no matter what anyone anytime can benefit from your interactions. You put so much projected manipulative judgmental bullshit upon yourself and the world about the value and worth of interactions and how when you do all the made up math in your head about relating with others your limiting belief systems make up a whole story that whether of not you actually feel any kind of intuitive pull or not you should choose to shy away because that is the behavior that has kept you safe. Dang that’s hard, and deep, and something you are only able to see in these moments of clarity when you’re sober and haven’t been ingesting a bunch of processed crap. I was having the thoughts yesterday about how great I feel due to the fact that I have barely had anything processed, especially anything real bad. That just made me think of a dream? I don’t know if I heard it in waking life or dreamt this up but it had something to do with a girl either not having enough money or the ability to get Burger King. I love how this program will capitalize Burger King automatically but won’t capitalize trump our fucking president, wow, biased much? Did I hear it at the skatepark or was it a dream? Story of my life. 1029

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November 9th 2020 6:59am Monday

Just finished up yesterdays page and I got to a moment trying to synthesize all the stuff I have in my head about life, purpose, and well being. I watched a YouTube video that compiles all of Russ’s best lines on pessimism from true detective. I never really analyzed the one line he has about seeing the acceptance in the victims faces. He talks about the game of time, how it’s a flat circle. How it’s all a dream from inside a locked box. Something very telling about this experience can be seen on the faces of the murder victims. Up until the moments of death they were living in sheer terror, and he concludes that he can tell that when that final moment occurs their expression changes to a willing acceptance, an almost childlike wonder of who and what you are, how you played the game, and what the point is. All of the tension seems to ball up and disappear in a moment. He comments that realizing it was all something other than what you perceived it to be. All the fretting, all the holding on to the tension of who you are being, what your going what your doing, why your doing anything, and how it all looks to yourself, others, and the gods, Apparently in those final moments of waking life the expression on the faces portrays a vision of what I can explain as unconditional love. Imagine your whole life never experiencing real unconditional love, then in the most horrific turn of events you are kidnapped and tortured up until the moments your life leaves your body and in those very last moments you are presented with what is and always has been there. Nothing like anything you have ever felt or experienced. In contrast to the grotesque nature of the worst kinds of humans it seemed like the kindest gift anyone could receive. Like millions of warm hugs from loved ones all undoubtably assuring you that everything will be alright. Later in the evening yesterday I watched a live video Chevrin from cymbiotika did about his blood cleaning stuff. He talked about the power of blood and how it carries information throughout the body. Then he went on to say even though he is here talking, doing things he is not his blood, or even his body. Behind all is what is behind all. I am trying to make the correlation between the true detective view of the veil that there is something behind all of this. Whatever that thing is creates an inviting and pleasurable expression on the faces of those who meet “it” in their final moments. It’s now 5:32am on 11/10 and I want to elaborate more on all of this but I realize the time and energy needed to research what I am trying to convey would be cumbersome because you know this is a real hefty subject that philosophers have been pondering for millennia so it would be wise to just settle with what you think you know. Which is that we are possibly finite, possibly eternal beings, maybe entities, even just photons and particles collapsing all part of some crystal consciousness field, or maybe. not I really don’t know. But as human being we are experiencing time, so maybe time is just a prerequisite for something else? Maybe what Paul Chek says about this plane of existence being a playground for souls. So much of what I heard rings true, I feel it, I experience it, but I can never be sure if it is simply suggestion or the authentic truth of consciousness. It would be nice to surrender to the idea that reality is just an illusion, nothing is real, and you are here to play. You want to relate “play” to something fun, but the kind of play seems to be more geared at simply just participating or expecting to immediately get some kind of pleasure. Play in this case means know the rules and play the game as it is meant to be played. Maybe the light and resonance of crystal consciousness is all everything. I just had a fleeting moment of letting go and my ego was like nope me me me. Wow that was cool, I can see why this will end up taking time, energy, and practice. Thats the point I’m trying to make is that even if my idea of myself as an individual may not necessarily be so. As in it doesn’t seem to ring true that there is even an I, or me. The best words to describe what the collective might be a cluster, or a swirl of consciousness that has been afforded to all human being life forms just like all other lifeforms. So like behind it all we are all one, all soul guided by spirit. I would like to believe we are all divine, but that doesn’t make you special, because again, we are ALL divine, so there is no separation in divinity, every living being is connected by this net of divinity. Yet we feel separate and we are upset and shitty about it. We are divine being stuck in a shit story is what I’ve been trying to say. The game is simple but difficult, the one rule is to remember you are not your shit story. Separating from the shit story is the journey, truth is found if sought after. Who knows if maybe the separation occurs on a primal level as a survival mechanism. Maybe god really did break themselves into an infinitesimal amount of pieces and scattered it everywhere in order to play a game to forget. Either way, all I think I know is love is the way to go.960