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October 9th 2020 Friday 6:06am

If you are capable of acting then you should. Acting as in acting within the places that require action. The world has enough sad sacks that are destined to repeat the same traumas without any deeper examination as to why stuff is happening and what can be done about it. So if you are one who chooses to examine and act then here are some of the basic building blocks for a solid foundation. As a start all you need to know about are four categories. Manifestation, nourishment, movement, and rest. Manifestation of a dream, goal, or objective is the groundwork from which all other categories become meaningful. Dedication to the dream is what supports all other categories. You need a reason to be in the process of transformation. The stronger and more precise the reason the less likely you will be to act on motivations not in line with your dream. For example if you want to lose weight write it intu the future with present tense as you are already there. It is, whatever day in the future, and I weight, whatever weight you are now minus ten pounds, and I look and feel amazing. Sounds a bit corny but this is the basis for manifestation. To support the declaration of a dream, goal, or objective an action plan that supports is what works best to keep you on track and allow for completions and wins to be measured. If your dream is to be ten pounds less by one month from now break it down by week, then by day. Two week goal of five pounds, each day goal of less than half a pound. Once the foundation of why you are doing anything is set then the other systems can be incorporated. Each category is meant to create a goal in order to reduce distraction. Nourishment includes all things consumed. Nourishment isn’t just food and drink it extends into anything you digest whether it be inner or outer dialogues to entertainment. If the energy can be felt, analyzed, and reacted to then it generally fits in two categories, nourishing or depriving. I can bet that there are a lot of things you consume that probably would be classified as depriving. To reduce the deprivation and increase nourishment is the goal. To do so the simple yet difficult task of reducing the things that deprive you of energy and increasing the things that cultivate energy. First step is to consume plenty of clean high quality water. Adhering to a certain amount of water daily not only allows for all bodily processes to work more effectively, it also supports a framework of measurable actions to complete daily. Half your body weight in ounces is a minimum baseline for how much water a person should consume. Mixing things like salts, apple cider vinegar, root, and herb tinctures can help the body absorb and retain the water easier. Infusing water with fruits and vegetables can also aid in optimal absorption. The minor nuances of modern life are the things that truly make the difference. Someone could be drinking plenty of tap water and eating plenty of conventional fruits and vegetables but still be in a state of disease because the water is fluoridated and contains heavy metals, the produce contains synthetic hormone disrupting pesticides and has been grown on depleted soil so the nutritional content is severely lacking. We are exposed to enough toxins just existing in the modern world so wherever we can consciously reduce ingesting more we should try our best to do so. Along with measurable amounts of high quality water consumption, a measurable amount of organic produce consumption is of the utmost importance to focus on. Organic produce generally supports smaller farms with more biodiverse crops that tend to use practices that support soil health. Reducing the amount of chemicals and toxins that one consumes is imperative to support the healing process that every human in the modern world must undergo to optimize their ability to heal themselves and in turn reach back and help others get out of the toxic wasteland that human have created. Even though we were thrown into this mess once we are conscious of our role as healer then we must take responsibility for ourselves and continue to pass along the knowledge that can lift us out of the muck and ascend to greater heights of consciousness. So we must dream big, and support our physical body with adequate hydration and nutrients as a baseline for the physical activity we must interact with to forge a stronger union of body and mind. 771

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October 8th 2020 Thursday 5:56am

I think it is time to get intu caring for and taking care of ourselves. Specifically myself, me, me, me, I want, I want, I matter more than anything else on blast 24/7. The most important thing to you is yourself, it’s all you ever think about, it’s most of what you speak about, you are the main character in the story, and the story is quite absurd. Because even though I am the most important thing to myself, I tend to think of myself as a burden rather than a blessing. It’s an very old conversation, almost surely passed along generationally. The story highlights how easily humans can be fooled and lead to believe things that may not necessarily be true. My story has everything to do with me, I take everything super seriously while interweaving emotion and meaning intu the story to support all the reason why I have to continue to treat myself poorly. I just want to be fair to myself. That doesn’t mean I have to be all nice and lovey all the time, I just want to diminish the idea that it’s ok to treat myself like shit. The process is different but the result is always the same. I make up a story about not being enough and that becomes the grounds from which all detrimental behavior burgeon. As long as the lack story is present, the excuses are going to be present too. Many conditioned behaviors are brought on by triggers that exist only to justify and reason with your conscious mind to see how much you can cheat yourself. The multitudes of mechanisms that represent all needs and wants are pleading their case. The loudest seems to be the representative for sugar. My conscious thinking mind knows that sugar is poison and I feel like shit when I ingest too much of it, but the mechanisms prey upon uncertainty and regret. So if there are things you are unsure about and stuff that is incomplete in the meaning you made for the story than you already have more than enough evidence to consume crap that isn’t good for you. It goes on and on. So whats the solution? Practice. Practice being overly joyously kind to yourself. If you really want it plan for it, plan to be kind to yourself early and often in order to give the detrimental deterrents little room for convincing arguments. Create conditions where all that “not good enough” “not worth it” lingo means little to nothing, and surely is not taken personally. Just be with yourself where you are at and without judgement. If the critic is real harsh, it is going to be difficult and require a lot of work. Work that you are capable of. Existence shouldn’t be our burden to bear, it should be our garden where we get to experience, play, and grow. Supporting the shift intu the dialogue of empathy over apathy is what I want to support myself and the world in. It sure as fuck seems like a long, dark, lonesome road out ahead. Just remember that plenty of people have travelled this road so when you take a step you are stepping intu a lineage of progress. What we need more than ever are powerful brave individuals willing to take on the journey of self in order to lighten the load for everyone else. Every time someone becomes free of a perceived burden everyone else benefits. I think the point of this ramble is that nothing is real, so get over it. Sounds harsh yes, I am being a bit facetious also, but it really is time to get that outside of your perception of reality there is only everything and nothing. Those words also barely scratch the surface of the meaning that they intend to hold. Then adding in the misperceptions of human emotion they are sure to be confused for something literal and meaningful. Ups and downs, twists, and turns, back and forth, side to side, around and around we go, no matter where we go or stop we are always here now so let that be the guiding light through the deep tunnel of consciousness that we have been granted the gift of experiencing. We can do this we can turn this garbage intu a garden. Begin by doing the work necessary to be convinced without a doubt that you are complete, whole, and perfect right now as you are. Begin to dig up that which has yet to be uncovered, be with the mud without judgement or fear, remember you are always perfect always. Create a clearing that supports new growth now, no judgement, just be with yourself and your garden. Root yourself intu the magic and wonder of being, practice cultivating strong soil through manifestation, movement, nourishment, hydration, and rest. Once the groundwork is set as a healthy stage for action it is time to share. Waste no energy on comparison and ideal expectations. We grow faster with ups and downs.837

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October 7th 2020 Wednesday 5:46am

My mind is blank as fuck right now. I was thinking of the peanut butter at work and how no one has filled up containers recently. Even more concerning I haven’t told anyone to fill them up, so it stay empty. I have a favor house Atlantic playing in my head by coheed. I did recently hear the song so it makes sense that it would be on blast but whats up with waking up with songs in your head that you haven’t heard in a real long time. What about the songs you hear in altered states that aren’t even songs yet? At some point I formulated a weak suspicion that during altered states especially sleep an individual like myself that has power to create has their subconscious hacked by an information gathering entity. The stronger suspicion is that supposing that everything is inherently one big möbius strip that connects everything always then that would facilitate the condition for everything to be creating and sharing all information. I think the flaw in my thinking comes from the supposition that my thinking is actually mine. Since if everything is connected then there may be no me to be mine. Suppose that what you perceive as a creation of music, stories, or visions is really just sharing. Everything connected actually means there is no creation nor destruction only our perception and meaning of it. We generally perceive creation as a something from nothing story. Yet we can never be absolutely certain about the existence of nothing. If everything’s connected then nothing is everything. They cancel each other out, neither exist, nothing exists outside everything and everything exists inside nothing. I am basically just playing with words here to see what sound cool and possibly rings true. All of this is subject to criticism and deserves proper argument. That is why I am not claiming to know much of anything about any of this. This is simply a practice to imagine through words and word through imaginations. This is not going to highlight any point or conclusion about everything nothing, I feel like I am simply throwing paint on a canvas, that is all. With that there is still a hope, maybe even an expectation that you will see something in the spattered mess of paint dribblings and it will be acknowledged as genius. So if there were to be anything like a point to all of this today it would be something like, if I throw paint at a canvas and I end up seeing something else, is that an original creation? or is it a sharing of the collective vision of everything? Today I am leaning towards everything, maybe because I feel an odd comfort in removing the individual judgements from myself, he who is called Spencer and calls himself I, me, myself. It’s-a-me Spencer-o, except not really, Spencer, me, I, myself, he, are relative definitions for an experience of being, hmm. Its not like I don’t exist but “I” doesn’t exist inside or outside everything. There is no separation, this is when my head starts spinning attempting to gain some solid ground to stand on and formulate judgments. I think therefore I am is relative, right? Also the other side of all of this is what benefit does knowing things about existential stuff afford me? At some level sure there is definitely a benefit to having a solid groundwork of beliefs that rely heavily on thinking critically. However it seems that going down a rabbit hole of thought about the nature of things isn’t cleaning up my room any faster, or getting my career as a health practitioner started. As a judge part of me wants to say you are wasting time and distracting yourself from what is important. As a witness it occurs as play, the subject, me, myself likes to play. To what extent does it become detrimental is all situational. You have allotted time in the morning to write, and thats it. You have no rules other than reaching 750 words. The unrestricted nature of the practice is the groundwork for play. Without judgement and expectation, other than the 750, the objective is completed daily regardless of the content. I could type one word 750 times in a row and that would qualify as a completion of the objective. I want to do more, yes, but when it comes to actually narrowing the ideas down you justify and reason as to why the work isn’t as important as when you initially wanted to do more. 756…

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October 6th 2020 Tuesday 5:32am

I truly feel as conflicted and confused as ever, however I also feel as confident and competent as ever. The duality never goes away it just get deeper on both sides. Seems pretty absurd, and really it is. Both sides are nothing but perception and meaning making. None of the things I think and feel about myself are absolutely true which leaves wiggle room everywhere for improvement and progress. I know what it takes and that seems to be all the more reason why I am not doing more. I really don’t want to discredit all the things that you are doing. For instance my intentions yesterday were to write, on here and on a page in the book and go to the gym, that was really it, and I am pleasantly surprised I even got that much done on account of the constant chatter of motivations telling me I should just put it off. I did the things and that is a win, you won yesterday. The flip side is that there are several vague intentions lingering in the ether, mostly just the hopeful thinking about how I might feel motivated enough to tackle a seemingly more difficult task. The one at the forefront of though is cleaning my room. The thought was there, yet no plan was made, no time was allotted, and inevitably no movement was made in that department. And ya know what, it is ok, it’s ordinary. Nothing happened, you aren’t in any danger, all the things you could think about how having a dirty room reflects back on your character are all made up. The only thing that it means is that I have no ground to stand on when placing judgement on the hierarchal structures. It’s a weird thought I know, but I am starting to really get intu the idea that it is the individuals personal responsibly that supports the changes that are needed and wanted in the world. The unfortunate fate of being a slave in an unfair system may be true on so many levels. However if I can’t muster up the respect for myself enough to simply clean up the spaces I reside than the room I have to talk shit on the environmental conditions lessens dramatically. The difference between commenting on the world at large when you have a personal world full of disorder versus commenting when you have tightened up your personal world is the individual willing to do everything within their power to organize things on a small scale is way more prepared to organize on a large scale. The revolution will not come from a bunch of winey overly privileged people upset that they weren’t given ideal situations. The revolution will be a experience of many individuals being in action about taking responsibility for themselves and their surroundings to the best of their ability which will lead to stronger foundations when expanded into groups and communities. The general consensus of electing officials, voting, and demonstrating are allowances given to us by the system to keep us weak. The real change comes from inside. As someone that has been on both sides of this argument, I do recognize the strong resistance within myself about personal responsibility. I am not in any way claiming that I am doing my absolute best to take care of and tighten up all the things that I want to do and know I am capable of. However there are many areas that I have progressed in by taking responsibility for what I am capable of changing and making incremental changes to move towards those goals. The interesting thing I just thought of is that moving towards goals does not mean perfection. What first comes to mind is my experience with consumption over the past several years. I have gone from allowing myself to purchase and consume mostly anything from conventional retailers, fast food, and restaurants to cutting most if not all options down to only purchasing stuff from the place I work. That isn’t to say that I have completely eliminated everything undesirable, I have been simply doing my best to avoid what I want to avoid. Also I have been through the motions of blaming the institution itself for my decisions. Judging, blaming, and spouting off about insufficiencies of lets say McDonalds only gives the entity more power by drawing from the negative energy you put out. Then not only are you putting out negative energy that is just converted into viable resources by the establishment, you rob yourself by basically ingesting the poison you created expecting the other party to get sick. Then the whole time you are just denying how much you are bringing more of what you don’t want into existence by focusing on it, even if your focus is centered on the elimination of wicked global organizations. Just one individual is not capable of generating enough energy to create any noticeable change in the big picture. Especially if that person isn’t doing their best to progress what they are capable of changing on a personal individual level. Get your shit together, get yourself out, then reach back and pull someone else out. It is simple but difficult facing yourself straight where you are really at without blame and judgement. It is easy to blame any and everything else for your troubles, generally people rely on it to survive. Creating the shift towards abundance and gratitude is what has lead me to advocating for myself rather than playing into blame upon a perceived story. It has taken a while too, but I feel like if I can do it anyone can. 944 6:53am

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October 5th 2020 Monday 6:19am

I allowed myself to enjoy a sleep in, felt like I needed it. I was up too late doing too many things. That’s not the point of today, the point is what if. The point is if you could get what you want, what would you have to do to get it. You said yesterday that the greatest power in nature is the power of human intention. When we focus our energy on a goal we are generally able to exceed expectations. You got a pretty good structure, time to start adding some weight. If you really want to do anything you must first write a request to the universe and be as specific as possible. Narrow down what you want to focus on and ask for assistance in whatever areas you feel like you need help. Next you are gonna get intu the practice of dreaming in order to manifest what you want. Write about the destination as if you have already gotten there in present tense. Draw it as an image or a map, create a visual representation of the destination. Create a framework for how you would have to be. Allow the challenge of restricting behaviors to become the work that needs to be put in towards alignment with core value to support your transformation.

It is 11:02am now, and I am so resistant to finishing this day up. I want to just leave it but once one thing is neglected, other things become easier and easier to neglect. So I’m back to hit the 750 goal and ramble on about personal development and progress. I am also resistant to this call for action I speak of. The previous paragraph points out and elaborates on a need for a specific target to focus my intentions on. I pretend like I have too many options and use the indecision as a distraction to keep myself in the comfortable known world I begrudgingly exist in. It is the same old story, it’s boring, and you since you are aware of it, you should have even more reason to do something about it. So lets not just give up all together because you can’t make a definitive choice this second. You have plenty of options, choose one, try it on, and if you don’t like the way it fits try something else. The first seemingly obvious objective my mind goes to is creating the shift towards becoming a holistic lifestyle coach. My perception wants to make it into a daunting task that is basically unreachable by an ordinary person like me. However the more I realize that really nobody has their shit together and the ones that make it seem like they do are probably really bad off in some category that is either being hidden or overlooked. I want to be mediocre to pretty good at most things. Thats why pinpointing can seem so hard for me. I don’t want to specialize, but then the desire to do everything bring me back into the same cycle of distraction by indecision and there is no movement. So break it down then, if you were to pay someone for a holistic lifestyle service what would you want? I would want the practitioner to be experienced in breathing and movement practices, nutrition and cleansing practices, bodywork modalities, personal growth coaching, vibrational healing whether it be sound, crystal, or herbs, and just simply be a real person who is compassionate and able to listen and be with other fully. It ain’t that much, at least for a super hero like me, you already know more than you think you know about most of those subjects and acquiring more knowledge is totally accessible. Dang, maybe I already know what the thing is and I am abandoning responsibility for creating the apparent existence of indecision. In the end it is all me. So what would it look like. Someone who is certified in nutrition, mobility and fitness coaching, vibrational healing modalities, cognitive and somatic therapies amongst other things. I want to incorporate all the senses into my practice, color, sound, taste, smell, intuitive movement, vision and proprioceptive recalibration. All of the good stuff that rings true and that I have tried out. You probably should just start by making an intention to try more new stuff out to see if it seems like something that is worth investing time intu. How else would you know if something is worth dissecting and incorporating into your skillset if you never put any energy intu it. Wow I think I actually figured something out, I still want to perceive it as vague but that is just my perception. It is totally more specific than you were a few years ago, back then you simply just knew you wanted to help people, and that was basically where you stopped yourself then with the self defeating cycle of indecision and doubt. The idea that you can state pretty accurately the place you want to be is the ground from which you can begin to work backwards and work out what is necessary to accomplish to get to where you want to go. Good job, seriously, just be with the process without judgement and flow with the tides of life. 878 11:54am

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October 4th 2020 Sunday 5:30am

Time just keeps on flying by without a plan, without a guide. I feel like I am failing, falling into the darkness that can so easily consume one who lets life get to them. If you could just remember that you are loving awareness and that you are in this world, but not of it. You should get that shit tattooed on your wrist so maybe you can take a moment and regroup from a place of compassion and love. I want to be able to stop forgetting, ya know remember that I do know how to get back intu myself. Yesterday for example I let my guard down. The combination of taking things personally and sugar got the best of me. The sugar is the real culprit, because I have become conditioned to grab some food when I feel an itch of stress, and most everything has sugar in it. My entire environment at work is just one will power exercise after another. Not only do I have to complete actual work for the job itself. The secondary position I take on is like a constant will power assignment that involves constantly fighting the urge to not grab more sugary treats. Most of the time my secondary job of self control is harder and more bothersome then the actual work. This is all due to the fact that the toxic poison we call sugar wreaks havoc on all my major bodily systems. Then the dialogue I have with myself is effected since I feel like I can’t control the compulsion. Which inevitably leads to a cycle of detrimental thought and behaviors that reinforce each other. I eat because I am stressed, I am stressed because of what I eat. At this point I want to say that you know better too, but that only drives more fatalistic thoughts leading to more detrimental behavior. The fatalistic thought thing is what I want to dive into. Even right now I am doing my best to calm my worried mind into just being with the result of actions without judgement. It ain’t that serious, it ain’t that big of a deal, and what you perceive definitely ain’t necessarily so. So calm the fuck down, you were sore and cranky and ate too much candy, so it goes. Except the judgmental story teller wants to paint a totally different picture as if you are some raving lunatic that has no self control and will always be this way and there is nothing that could help this major detriment to your character so you might as well shut down, turn off, and revert back to the dark comfortable place where you can eat all the crap food and candy you want without having to bother or be bothered by any of the burdens of this cruel little world. The conversation between the multitude of ways of being that I, or any human finds themselves in at any given time is truly phenomenal. The idea alone that we have such conflicting voices howling for attention at all times is pure comedy. It’s like the argument is happening between the several loudest voices. One side is the fatalistic judgmental story tellers that view everything as a threat and are doing their best to convince you that isolating and hiding is the only way to handle this cruel dark place. Then on the other side you have the new guys in town that are caring, empathetic, and loving without judgement of any and all situations you may find yourself in. They are indisputably convinced that the universe is full of unconditional love and abundance and all beings within it’s consciousness are afforded all they could ever need and want so there is no reason to ever worry. Then the whole time while these two major parties are gathering their evidence to support their argument hundreds of other voices are trying their best to get the attention of conscious thought. The majority of which are intentions not fully given enough energy to manifest so they just reside as ideas. You should buy a boat, you should go hiking, you should jump out of a plane, how about you tell someone they look nice, maybe make plans to see a show, I know go get pizza, yes pizza would be nice, and wings! how about a movie, popcorn! Go find dogs to pet, get a haircut, buy clothes, buy a television, buy anything, go on Facebook, download software, upgrade hardware, get back into art, run, swim, take an acting class, brush your teeth, brush your hair, take a vacation, take a nap, buy lottery tickets, do that thing that you always wanted to do but are to worries about failing at so it you never gave it enough energy to flourish, and the list goes on and on. I could sit here for the rest of today just listing all the things that are squawking for attention. While this is all occurring my physical body begins to feel sick and weird and then the two most important voices chime in, drink water, and breath. Generally the most important things are somehow lost in the jumbled mess of ideas. I should just get H2O and O2 tattooed on my fucking wrist. Regardless this has been fun painting a picture of the constant conversations occurring. Lets elaborate on this some more another time because I am done for today and I want to get a move on. OK Love You BYE! 920 6:43am

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October 3rd 2020 Saturday 5:24am

I dreamt a bunch of dreams that I cannot recall… so it goes. Shifting out of this last moon into the next one has got me feeling lazy and stuck all over again. Maybe the feelings never really left, I’m just good at keeping a decent attitude most of the time. I feel like I could go off on so many tangents about behaviors, patterns, habits, but what good is that really doing me or anybody. The world wants and needs from me to step up intu the fullest expression of myself. I have a tendency to adherence to historic stories that inevitably define how I am being based on recognition of similarities rather than creation of possibilities and probabilities. I tend to disregard intuition and refuse to act upon that which will bring about meaningful change and transformation. Ugh, this shit is boring. I often end up spouting off about all this meta bullshit like here I am being lazy again and here are all the reasons why I do all the bullshit things day in and day out that keep me from myself, and for some reason nothing really changes. Then you analyze it even further like, here are the reasons why I do or don’t do the things I feel compelled to to, and also here is how I think and feel about said reasons, and then again, nothing changes. Yup, then theres the part where you try to lift yourself up by not focusing on the lack and pretend to bypass all the pent up emotions to simply said you are “witnessing” without judgement or some corny shit like that. That is why I am changing the subject to crystals. I want to analyze the role that crystals play in human beings interactions with the world. I want to break down the lofty ideas that everything is a vibration, these vibrations apparently occur as light waves. Waves have an essence of being harmonious and disharmonious. Crystals have strong structures because the wavelengths in which they vibrate at are harmonious. I want to better understand and relate it back to human beings. I have heard that the structures within the brain can form and/or are formed from crystalline structures. How this all relates to health, wellbeing, connection to source, the ideas of spirit and soul, and all that jazz is what I want to be able to draw relative conclusions about based on anecdotal evidence and repeated observations. I could easily talk out my ass about how everything inside the known universe is attuned to a vibration of unconditional love. Vibrating at that frequency can be achieved through optimal sleep, movement, consumption, and dreaming. The dream part is where I want to relate how the intentional information one creates within the crystal structures of the brain are what supports the ability to manifest possibilities that may seem discontinuous with those of the ordinary. I seemingly occur to myself as an ordinary, lazy being, however some part of me has been able to practice taking action based on theories that seem to ring true which has brought about actual experiential progress in life. I would like to be in a sharing of the information I discover. The result would be the evolution of consciousness through the practice of attuning to the vibration of unconditional love that the universe is basically waiting for us to pick up on. My personal experience has been that once I changed my mind, my world changed. What supported the transformation was incorporation of optimal hydration, rhythmic breathing, high quality nourishment, and movement. Again and again I am then faced with the glaring reality that the intentional dream, goal, objective is all but missing from my own formula. Even though I can talk about it and wrap my head around it the worry of the unknown becomes greater and more serious than it actually is. The power of intention can work both ways to manifest realities that either support transformation of stifle it. I have spend most of my time here stifling my growth and expansion so that the stories can hold more power than they ever should. Then things play out the way they always do reverting back to my programming and stuck in my ways. It is time to play with your ability to manipulate your reality with intention, manifestation, and possibilities. You have been caught up pretending to try and save everyone, which ends up looking like you becoming more cynical and closed off. Lets do something different and actually put forth the effort towards what YOU desire. Don’t kid yourself either, you know what it is even if your survival instincts and limiting beliefs want to tell you differently. Goddamn today took forever to write so little, sometimes it just be like that, you pushed through and completed the practice, good job.813 6:39am

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October 2nd 2020 Friday 5:26am

Day two of getting up with the 4:32am alarm. Feeling pretty sluggish on account of basically being hung over from too much sugar and empty carbs I ingested yesterday. This is the consequence I guess. Luckily I am young and strong with a resilient composition. That is all well and good for now but it won’t last forever. If you are still diluting your power now with undesirable temptations you may never be able to stop once you are older and things get harder. It isn’t even a matter of if it is a matter of when. When are you going to push towards greatness? Something as small as some chips and cookies are now holding you back from being in a joyous expression of yourself today. Then when I feel like this the writing is boring and I tend to just rely on bringing up all the things that I perceive to be doing wrong. Even worse is the propensity to bring up all the reasons and justification for all the things that I perceive to be doing wrong. What I have been thinking a lot about very recently due to a Jordan Peterson video is the idea that you aren’t even tackling the little things that are well within your scope of capability. Such as simply cleaning your room, cleaning your car, cleaning up the crap you have at your parents house. You have been neglecting those three simple tasks for years. Also seeing this as such a detriment to my life may not be the best way to view it either. You have accomplished a plethora of extraordinary tasks throughout your time here. However the constant craving for more is almost always present when you aren’t purposefully distracting yourself with all the forms of consumption that you love so much. Heres a decent though, consumption is slavery. You have come to this conclusion before in older writings that explain how the general consensus is to strive towards treating ourselves poorly. We defend it, we fight for it, we justify that it is our god given right to treat ourselves like shit. Whether it be with food, people, or stuff we are bred to believe that if we are entitled to more. The biggest trick is then we take it personal, we allow the stuff to define who and what we are. Kanye said, “I’m so self conscious, that’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches”. Without the watch he feels self conscious, it seems obnoxious but thats how the system got us. Somehow we have all been fooled to believe that the depth of ones character is less important than the depth of ones wallet. The worst part is “the people highest up got the lowest self esteem,” so we are striving to become the weakest type of person with the flashiest looking jewelry. I keep wanting to raise the questions how? and why? but thats really not the point. You could dive deep into what kind of false perception manipulation has been used to control large populations and understand why and how it was done, but that still leaves us at the same point we are at. The question is really what now? What is important enough to strive for that doesn’t involve such self deprecating behavior? That is the question, and the answers are simple really. One big thing that comes to mind as an umbrella term to use for most wants and needs is nourishment. Paul Chek has a four cog system that all relies upon optimal efficiency of each other cog to work effectively. Dream/goal/objective, sleep, exercise, and food/nutrient consumption. When all those categories can be nourished optimally then real progress can be made. The craziest part is that most outhouse categories for most privileged people are relatively inexpensive or free. It is totally free to set a goal, it’s free to sleep, in it’s most basic forms exercise is free. Food/nutrient consumption does seemingly have a cost. However the real cost of excessive amounts of heavily cooked processed foods which we all have become so used to consuming is far greater than simply eating when we are hungry and drinking when we are thirsty. I intend to focus on goals and consumption, I know those are the two areas that I easily slack off in and rely on the general detrimental behavior we have been tricked into thinking is freedom but is really slavery. It is definitely an uphill battle, like I someday hope to stop craving McDonalds but that is just a hope. Through time and pressure carbon can be formed into a diamond so anything is possible given the right circumstances. 786 6:18am

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October 1st 2020 Thursday 5:41am

Hello October! We did it! Look at us! Can you believe it? I can’t either, but we are here and it feels good to be in it. I had two thoughts this morning one was about morning routines. The other is a lot deeper. A thought about undesirable situations, specifically how our behavior seems to be wired towards blaming the external forces over taking any responsibility for the meaning we make about the stories. This condition seems to be as widespread as most general human behaviors. Personally I have spent years playing out the act of a person blaming “life” and everything in it for all of my problems. Never once during that time could I even begin to imagine changing the dialogue I was having with myself about life. It really wasn’t until recently that I got even a glimpse into taking responsibility for my stories. The example I want use is a person who has done another wrong but it could also be related back to our selves if we have a tendency to be self sabotaging. The behavior of blaming the perpetrator is natural and easy and most people would agree with you that if someone did you wrong that person is at fault, and I am not claiming that a wrong doer isn’t at fault, if they have done something cruel and malicious they should definitely be held to account. Also, generally I know so little about justice that I am doubting my ability to even judge what kind of punishment would be warranted for someone involved in “crimes.” Regardless of justice, fairness, and punishment. The idea I want to extrapolate on is how easy the blame game is, and how much more work it seems to be to delve into the reasons why people do shitty things and why shitty things happen. That just got me thinking about how there is always two or more sides to every story. Also the question is raised, can something that happens not involving other people actively being shitty be labeled as a something shitty objectively? Ugh this is getting deeper the more I think and type about it. Lets say a tree falls on you, or your car, or your property, or even your mom, is that inherently a shitty situation? or is it dependent on the meaning and the story. I think you know the answer to that but again its all relative. Of course it depends on the story, your car could be broke and the tree was the nail in the coffin that it needed for you to get a new car. So then the story wouldn’t be so shitty, the story would be a victory. It is easy to paint the picture this way with inanimate stuff occurring seemingly because of natural cause, but the thing I ponder is when another person is involved, is it still a natural cause? What can be done about dealing with that shit?. Two more questions that are seemingly difficult to think critically about are, what can be done to prevent undesirable things from happening?, and how does one implement structures and systems that support the knowledge and action? Sounds very vague I know. The vague answer to both the questions is inner dialogue and story maintenance. Depending on the situation and the parties involved this probably seems impossible, absurd, and generally a waste of time. I don’t think I will be getting into morning routine because I have barely scratched the surface of this topic. The absurd idea I want to bring up is how do we reconcile blame versus growth. Something like that. Sure it is easy as fuck to blame someone for doing something shitty and berate that person for every little thing they have and will ever do. However at what point is there any progress to educate? become more knowledgeable? or allow growth from shitty situations versus just stewing on the shit for until it become detrimental? Also in no way is it my intention of justifying people doing shitty things. I just want to poke at the idea that generally people are putting themselves in harms way. That isn’t to say random chance things don’t occur, but generally people seemingly have some control over their destiny, or at least I like to believe so. The idea that if someone is harmed then all responsibility is stripped from their story and the meaning becomes a blame and victim mentality. I have barely scratched the surface, I know, but the idea that shifting the focus towards what people are capable of transforming versus what seems to be a removal of responsibility when invested in blame.781 6:59am

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September 30th 2020 Wednesday 5:59am

The gross amount of miscommunication and omitted communication in my family is laughable yet more than likely detrimental to the fabric of our relationships. Where the hell am I even going to go with that kind of statement. Not enough sleep leads to a stream of complaints about myself, life, friends, family, society, everything. Everything is wrong, what causes this is holding back what actually rings true. Knowing the difference between what is true in your heart and what sounds good is the distinction. Fuck I really don’t want to be writing about this because I am not these familiar with structures of understanding. I feel and think that I have some point to be made but really I just want to dream. The dream is to be able to write about specific topics at a faster pace using better finger placement. I want to be better, more perfect, progress beyond expectations. That is what I want to be here for. I want to relieve myself of the tensions I carry that hold me back and keep me stuck in my head. You have had so many great ideas over the years especially in the past few yet none have come to fruition. Why? Because you are worried about the unknown outcome. Nah, that worry is just a fucking distraction, even as real as it seems to occur that unknown outcome is a lot of work, and you are lazy. Yesterday you were writing about personal responsibility and accountability yet the actions you played out yesterday were all in the realms of ordinary knowing. I bought way too much food and beer and consumed a lot of it and there were fleeting moments where I felt like I was making good points, but I don’t remember nearly any of it and didn’t record anything I rambled with Mike about. Last night felt like a realization of a level up. Like I have been repeating the behaviors of consuming food and substances often for the past couple months. I feel stronger than ever so I feel like I can handle myself better than ever. Which is seemingly leading me to thinking better. The harsh judgmental person I have had a tendency to be is becoming quieter and fading away. Even only last year when I was acting out similar behaviors I was way more critical of myself. Which leads to feeling bad because of a perception of lack, fuck I gotta go…6:30am

It is now October 1st at 5:18am and I want to complete this page even though I didn’t fully finish the practice yesterday picking up where I left off the next day is better than just leaving it as it is. So yea I had a dream last night that first I was riding around in a truck thing with a trailer. I say “thing” because the seat was extended out of the middle of the thing on a very long pole. You would basically sit atop a perch and steer from up there. It had extended wheels sticking out way too far on each side. Same idea as the seat basically there is a ten foot or so axle extended out to another wheel on each side. I was driving it around for someone guy and I was Ralfs nervous about hitting anything because it was so wide. I kept having to turn off of the roads I was on because they became too narrow. I found myself somewhere kind of like the break room at work where people had brought in all kinds of cookies. I took a whole plate of cookies and was on my way. I was then driving this monstrosity on a narrow snowy road up a mountain. The road was too narrow and icy, I first lost the trailer then the truck. They seemingly feel into water or whatever was surrounding the spiraling snowy hills. There was something like a castle? It feels weird describing it like that because it didn’t relate to me as a castle until I wrote that word. I really don’t recall an outside just what it seemed like inside. A mansion too kinda, that could be a way to describe it, but the idea that it was on top of a snowy mountain surrounded by water and it was difficult to get to makes it more like a castle. Regardless when I was inside there was a hole in the floor and a fishing rod next to it. I could see a big fish that was seemingly attached to the line on the fishing pole. Also Bill was seemingly there, like he was chilling waiting in the castle mansion place. I grabbed the rod and started pulling and attempting to reel the fish in. The fish turned out to be a huge shark, it came up out of the water seemingly bit Bill and latched onto his arm, I ran away. Bill escaped seemingly unscathed. I seemingly went to an upstairs area that was open to the main “room” we were in before. I seemingly opened some doors and then was floored. There was an ominous vibe coming from inside the doors. I couldn’t move, talk, wake up. This has happened on multiple occasions where I get frozen in this fear/anxiety for something that is seemingly going to occur. It seemed like I was waiting for something terrifying to appear. Before that occur I began to growl and was able to wake myself up out of the dream my actually growling out loud in waking life. This has happened to me several times now and seemingly started just about two years ago. I really cannot recall ever growling myself out of my sleep prior to that. I woke up and then I woke up early without hitting the snooze and I did all the things and now I am here finishing up this page. 986 5:40am