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September 29th 2020 5:45am Tuesday

God helps those that help themselves. A hard pill to swallow, though it gets easier once you stop judging yourself based upon a perception of lack. We are capable of hearing our limiting beliefs without judgement, once this is achieved then they can be manipulated and replaced for the better. The universe, divine intelligence, god, what ever the fuck you want to define it as affords everyone everything they need to succeed, prove me wrong. Well really it’s unprovable which is why I would rather rely on a relative assumption that the universe is working in my favor. The counter to that is always “but if the universe can afford everyone with everything everyone needs then why is there war, famine, and poverty? And to that I have to conclude that I don’t know and that is not what I fucking talking about. I’m taking about capable individuals who have the grand opportunity to take responsibility for the actions that mold their lives. I see it as a duty at this point to be held at account for your own life. Again another hard pill to swallow. Even as practiced as I have become some part of me is still fucking off in areas that I know I am capable of cleaning up, I am continually learning. The voice that sounds like an aloof little kid that was put in a situation that was, from their viewpoint, objectively unfair. Something like if a person were to get a smaller piece of cake then someone else with equal attributes, could be a family member, coworker, or anyone else somewhere people are dividing cake. So much story of blame and lack can be concocted from such a simple situation. Could have been an accident on behalf of the person cutting. Could have actually been a malicious act of purposefully giving the victim of circumstance less cake then another. Either way the reaction to it and how you relate to the story is where I think people aren’t taking into account how it effects their world and why and how to take responsibility for themselves. The biggest pill to swallow in this case would be humility. I see it like this, if you want to be free you must be understanding, compassionate, and humble. You must also be able to act inside of these modes of being with a knowledge of love, joy, and excitement for the experiences that are thrown your way. Again even as practiced as I think I am resistance is showing up everywhere in my psyche. So I can totally understand how difficult it would be for someone who was the victim of circumstance at the result of someone else purposefully wronging them. For some it may be impossible to perceive the situation any other way outside of their story. Which is ok too, however the stuckness that is felt, and the blaming act that is inevitably performed for the world is not going to go away on its own. No progress can be made when stuck in stories. Actually that is a bit harsh of a claim, I like it, but I doesn’t quite ring true. What is more so, what is actually more possible as the meaning making machines that we are is again taking responsibility for the story. No progress can be made without taking responsibility for your stories. Closer I guess, I don’t really like without but let’s roll with it. I think you can be deeply invested in your stories and still take responsibility for them without judgment. Now the judgement part is where being loving, understanding, and humble play a large role in identifying where we can just be fucking nicer to ourselves. All this responsibility and accountability stuff really all comes down to individuals being a little bit nicer to themselves which in turn would hopefully manifest into people being nicer to others. I would like to see people be a whole lot nicer to themselves, that is the dream, but for now until that is fully manifested incrementally changing behaviors that lead towards a kinder inner dialogue is totally cool, for now. However when the world really needs you to show up you better start fucking loving yourself fast as fuck, because, in my opinion, that what is most needed and wanted from the universe for every person. The point of all of this even though I feel like I am just rambling whatever comes out first is a simple point that if people were to treat themselves nicer and more kindly especially through their inner dialogue then they would become less burdened by story and more capable of making the progressive choices and decisions that eventually lead towards desirable change. There is a quote apparently by Confucius that states, “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.” This quote sums up the point of responsibility and accountability I have been trying to make pretty well. Extrapolating on the ideas in this statement further I would like to purpose that you replace neighbor with yourself. It seems to be a human tendency to see something like snow on the roof and make up a big story about how difficult it will be to remove and why bother clearing the doorstep because the roof snow is going to fall on it anyways, and then nothing gets done and there is still snow burdening the roof and crowding the doorstep. The worst part of this aspect of the human condition is that we tend to place blame on outside forces, inner forces, or some combination of both. We then have a tendency to harbor doubt about our capacity for change, this can even be taken as far as totally loosing faith in having any sense of belonging to the world. Another example is the idea that when you throw a piece of trash in your car and leave it there next time it will be easier to allow that action to happen, then again, and again, until your car is full of trash. And having a car full of trash is not desirable, just like a snowy roof and doorstep. When things occur as undesirable we want to hold something at fault, generally we blame others and ourselves. Then generally we tend to concoct believable yet fictitious stories about our own and others shortcomings. Depending on how nasty your inner dialogue is certain shortcomings can sound really detrimental and the echoes will stick around far after the actual situation. This propensity to repeat the same limiting beliefs is part of our condition, becoming aware of these mechanisms and acting differently in spite of them is where I want to be headed and I invite everyone to join me on this journey of self realization through love, understanding, and humility. That is all… for now. Kay Love You Bye! 1150 7:15am

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September 28th 2020 9:44am Monday

Missed yesterday on account that I stayed up all night. I could have wrote but I was playing the part of being delirious. When I find myself in those states my worst behaviors come to the surface. All I want to do is get really high and eat everything. Lets take it back to how I got myself where I was. There was a small get together, a mini festival really at this dudes farm out in Glen Mills. I was hype to see Mums again, they rule. Also excited about grandma doing their comedy show. The night started off a little uncertain considering I was goin alone even though I knew I would run into a ton of people that I knew. Regardless I felt the urge to resort to substances as per usual. Bought some beers and was on my way. Dropped a little during the ride in hopes of feeling it shortly after I got there. Other than a short rain shower that occurred as I was approaching, then having to deal with wet feet for the rest of the night from the subsequent walk through high grass fields was really the only downside to the whole night, everything else was wonderful. As soon as I rolled up to the barn I saw at least a dozen people that I haven’t seen since last summer. Felt great to reconnect with people. Moments like that are such a mind fuck for my ego, because some part of my defense mechanisms relies on a story that “no one likes me.” So to be in a place that people are kind, open, and genuinely just enjoying connection with each others presence quickly quiets down the noise from historic survival tactics and I actually feel free and open to express myself. Mums went on shortly after I got there, they rock so hard, I love that I can let loose to them. Fuck they are so much fun. The more I see them the better and better they are getting at being able to exist in the fleeting moments of coalescent transcendence where time, space, and vibration all mash into the perfect harmony of the existence of the human spirit. The experience is of being part of one. It is no easy feat either, like I said it doesn’t usually occur and the moments that it does are fleeting. Yet they seem to be putting in the time to become more and more magical, thank you so much Brian, Marissa, Dom, Greaser, and the drummer and guitar players that I unfortunately forget their names right now but they are also in Fat Mezz with Dom and the guitar player is already a god, he shreds so hard that I don’t even think he knows how fucking awesome he is. I should really share this with them because they need to know how incredible they are and how awesome it has been to watch them grow and conquer so quickly. I do want to also give a shout out to Ginny and the Hobo style because they rocked so hard, they mix of punk rock and folk was such a great fit, they played so hard and fast I was moments from inciting a skank pit but I didn’t want it to be perceived as anything too violent. Fuck I really should follow through with my intuition anyways. I am constantly stopping myself in those moments because that underlying narrative that “its inappropriate” and “nobody will like me” if I start doing something that some might disagree with. I had the though this morning about how I want to do what I am able to do on substances sober, and I want to push the things that make me feel like I am in my limiting beliefs even further. What I am talking about is dancing by myself fully expressed to music that I don’t generally “like” and dancing with other people, specifically females. Later in the evening when dj smiley face came on I felt “awkward” because I didn’t quite get down with the music at times. There is another underlying narrative that is super judgmental of certain types of music, I feel so aloof when that expression comes out. The archetype of that guy in the corner with his arms crossed watching a whole dance floor of people have fun and the only reason they aren’t in there being part of the experience is because they have a limiting belief like “psh this isn’t my kind of music” or even worse “this music sucks.” Except what really sucks is letting a story restrain the expression of ones spirit. I was in my head about the dancing so I didn’t stay for too long plus the main reason I came to the festival was the comedy show. The show itself was good, the crowd was rowdy, the comics were a little hesitant, but all in all it was a good time. The open mic went really well surprisingly. I am so grateful for grandma for pushing me. I didn’t “sign up” but they knew I want to go up and talk shit, so after the first couple comedians they just called on me. Fuck it felt so good to just get up in front of people and ramble on. I told some dumb jokes about pirates, talked some shit with burdman, they remembered that I wanted to do a crystal healing workshop, it probably made little to no sense, which was good because most people were on drugs anyways so it probably sounded a lot deeper than it really was. I wanted to get into some gay stuff but I held back because I really don’t have the ideas or point fully developed. Mostly just was to talk about the homosexual experiences I’ve had for the sake of putting it out there. If I can wrap some kind of deeper meaning into it, specifically how the world views men and sexuality and how it is so wrong to be anything but straight and christian. I don’t really want to bring religion into it but it’s kind of impossible unless I figure out that the anti-gay stuff has been going on before christianity, which is probably so, so why was that? What is the truth about why it is seen to be so wrong to be homosexual? That is the question I want to dive into through the use of comedy, I want to carve a niche into the comedy world as a champion of women and lgbtq communities. Fuck macho manly men being serious about following a story about being an idealistic rapey person, only because they are really just insecure and actually bi-curious. The rest of the night was kinda slow, just a lot of wandering and talking. Into the morning mums was back around jamming by an air mattress and Dom was singing the Beatles which has lead me to playing abbey road on repeat for the past two days so thank you Dom for reintroducing me to something I had forgotten about. That’s about it for the festival, yesterday was slow and delirious, I ate a lot of eggs. I had a seemingly long deep dream about being back at a Barlow-esque place being a mechanic again. Ran with dad in the morning and did some shoulder opening stuff. Dicked around on Facebook for too long, made a meme about people putting in incremental work towards a better life and people who plan on turning it all around January 1st. So yea I am feeling pretty good, about to go to the gym and work towards goals of being stronger. So yeah I love you, you are doing great, keep moving, goodbye! 1295 10:28am

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September 26th 2020 Saturday 7:50am

Slowly coming to terms this morning with the responsibly I have to take for the consequences of who I was being last night. I feel soft, actually I think I feel soft, I am actually cool and tough, you just have convinced yourself otherwise for so long that the story has become believable. Fuck that. Surprisingly feel alright, but that is considering, also I am still relying on my youth and resilience to keep going. I am getting close to the level of taking my actions too far for too long which most of the time results in getting run down and feeling sick. Trying to not allow that to happen while still satisfying the urge to use substances. Last night was fun. Went to paines with the intention of copying what went down Tuesday? night. Stopped at Whole Foods got beer, this time I wanted to fill my stomach so I could drink more efficiently so I got a pizza. Shit is $6 for prime members on Fridays, except I am not a prime member and I didn’t pay for it. If you aren’t going to charge me on the spot you can’t trust me. I took way to much righteous justification into consideration way to fast, plus I ain’t scared to push my luck. Fuck that I ain’t pushing shit, I created that shit with my phenomenal ability to collapse waves of intention through doors of perception. Or something like that. I want to be more eloquent with the meta bullshit I write, that would take pushing this practice further than just writing poorly, all over the keyboarders, straying from subjects, rambling on, running on sentences, but then again fuck all the stuff that we are supposed to do. Then again again it does seem beneficial to learn the structures and frameworks of the stuff that I am basically shitting all over in order to better justify understanding writing, conversation through text, story, all that good stuff because at this point I lost the story I was telling, it got thrown off course real quick this morning because I feel a bit of a chip on my shoulder or fire up my ass about my actions and consequences. The most annoying part is the proclivity to sleep in. That last sentence sucks, that was an ego driven bitchy complaint, most annoying? what the fuck… Regardless, let’s see if I can get back to the shit that went down to get myself to where I am now. More objective, drove to Philadelphia, got beer at Whole Foods, drank beer at skatepark, smoked Brendons “Pickle Rick” bowl, felt loose and good, rode Brendon amazing bike. Ok I have to get more in depth so when we rolled up a whole group set up a PA and some speakers, it was Friday night and they were legit throwing a mini show outside. Chris wasn’t there yet, he was on a date somewhere in the close vicinity because he stopped by in the middle to tell us it was going well and he would be back soon. I rode Brendons bike around, it felt way to good, like i am fully convinced that I should get higher bars and stem now. I got a bit cocky and went full speed at a little kicker attempting to 180 over the trashcan that was set up, but I was going too fast and the trash can was too close to I ate shit. Not really all that bad just landed on my side, worst part is hitting my heel which I injured at the devils pool back in July, it feels like I re-aggravated it to the point that it feels as bad as it did the day I first fucked it up. Wah, quit bitching, you should be fucking grateful you even have a heel to bruise. Ok ok I am I am grateful for ever ache and pain and confused stupor I find myself in at night eating hagen daz in bed and falling asleep with the light on while cuddling up to the empty container and spoon. I don’t think I have had that exact experience before, sure I have passed out in a wrecked stupor with the light on all confused but I was in outer space last night. It was just too late really. I continued to drink and smoke, got some pbrs from a skater dude out there hustling. Got to be part of the audience when reek when on. He is real fucking good, it felt good to be part of something that I wouldn’t normally be part of. Also nice being the minority, like fuck white people, there should be less of us. The show was tight, I was real close to getting more bud but I left before I made that decision because I probably would have tried to smoke this morning if I had some. Eventually made it back home and polished off the last mast landing stout and ate all the jalapeño poppers and hotdogs I had left in the fridge. By the time I gave Mike a ride home I realized I hadn’t written in the book and I basically just said fuck it to myself, like that is the consequence of my actions. One day missed, better luck next notebook. You justified it because that on page you wrote when you were up in Maine was after 12am. You gots to get some rules for yourself to abide by or you are going to continue justifying the ways in which you are sabotaging the important stuff that keeps you headed towards some kind of progression. Another justification/reason why I felt entitled to get fucked up last night is because I went to the gym yesterday and got back to doing squats, bench, and pull-ups. So I felt like as a congratulations I should get wrecked, whatever, I regret nothing, just simply doing my best to be with myself over the consequences. No use in suffering any more than you have to. Physical pain is easy to deal with, mental anguish over some judgement you are placing on your actions is just not what I want to be about. I want to be free, shit I am free, I am powerful, I have the ability to fully express myself and finally I am love, in love, loving, caring, compassionate, gentle, kind, beautiful, and just generally a really great person to have around for innumerable reasons. Even if it doesn’t sound true, keep saying it, like a crappy Sheryl Crow song it might just get stuck in your head and eventually you might start to enjoy it, maybe even sing and dance to it. You won’t know until you give it a try. K love you bye! 1132 8:32am

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September 25th 2020 Friday 5:52am

Welp I did it again. Slept in, and now I barely have enough time to ramble on. I was in a dream about climbing a mountain. You know when you get so engulfed in dream world that outside influences like your phone ringing become part of the dream? Yup that is where I was this morning. I swear I got up out of bed still dreaming grabbed my phone shut the alarm off and laid back down. By the time I even realized that I had been hitting the snooze 45 minted had gone by. It was deep and heavy but necessary. Sleep is so important and I tend to neglect it during the summer. But now that fall is upon us and it is soon to winter I am ready to really get some high quality sleep. Ugh I have less than twenty minutes and I am dragging along here. There is a board at work that people have chronicled the lives of the flies that inhabit our store. I was thinking about all the flies I found in the honey and commenting on that. Something like, “I was born yesterday in a break room trash can. I like trash a lot of course, it is my home, but I crave something sweeter. I had gotten word that there was a pool of nectar near the produce department. I began my journey. I first stopped over by the customer service and naked lunch trash to hang out with my cousins and see what their trash home had to offer. Their place was nice, pretty typical trash and compost. I couldn’t stay for long, I knew what I was after, and I only have a few days to live so I continued on. After getting turned around following some very sweet employees I finally made it to the honey. As I approached the vat of liquid sugar I could hear the cries of my brethren, help! I’m stuck! they would buzz. I made it inside through a crack in the lid. It was dark and warm just like my home except the aroma was intoxicating. As I got closer cries of warning rang out from all the flies still at surface level. It is a trap! Don’t get any closer! You will get stuck! Turn back now! Bring help! You are our only hope! Selfish I figured they were, probably just wanted all the honey for themselves. I started out on the side of the vat. That is when I had my first taste of honey, I was immediately hooked. As I drifted deeper and deeper into the sweet syrup I realized I could no longer move. I was stuck, but I didn’t care. I continued to ingest all of the sweet offerings until I could no longer breath. Goodbye cruel world, I regret nothing. Thats it I guess, stories over, maybe after some revisions it could be a classic novella. Flies stuck in honey, the tragic story of when taking it too far leads to a little fly’s demise. Fuck I feel heavy today, but I must push through and carry on because if you give in now you may never come back. See it feels almost as if I am constantly straying from the easy and well navigated path of my past. I would love to just get high all day eat food and lay on a couch. I like doing that so much that in order to make sure I didn’t do it all the time I threw away my tv and got rid of my couch. I still wrestle with myself about the pot but more recently than ever it is finally clicking that I am only here for this one shot and spending it laid out incapacitated from gross amounts of food and weed may not be the way I want to be spending my time. It’s such a chore to be under a perception of the occurrence of self doubt. On one side I doubt myself to the point that isolating with food and weed seems to be the only way to exist. Then on the other I question all the what ifs and missed opportunities of what I could be doing if I wasn’t stuck in a stoned stupor. What a trip. I am incredible proud of the progress I have made. Especially considering I accomplished most of what I have in recent years by myself. I guess that is the only way to do, at least for me, a lonely leaping gnome, with not a lot to lose and a whole lot to gain. Picture you will a country song, the tailgates down, natural ice in the cooler, Waylon playing on a bluetooth speaker with cool little led lights in it that change color and brightness with the progression of the song, pretty cool right? Yea I got it on amazon, crazy how quickly I can get any piece of junk shipped to my house with free shipping if I spend over $25. Fuck I love America! 843

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September 24th 2020 Thursday 6:16am

I am late, but I am here. Is that really true? Being late based on expectation is totally different than being late for scheduled appointment. I have an expectation to be here at a certain point to record these poorly written ramblings, yes, but that doesn’t mean I am required to be here by any certain time. So how can I be late. The immediate behavior is to look for the lack I guess, try to find the thing you are doing wrong, highlight it to prove to yourself that you aren’t worthy and continue living limited by you own worry about who and what you really are. If you were to actually schedule this time you would then be able to gain a win inside of completing the practice and being accountable with time. So much bad habits and behaviors, ugh, it’s a drag when I begin to analyze it because there is no end, and I get frustrated that maybe all I am doing is distracting myself from pondering the possibility of developing different habits. A wave of uncertainty, insecurity, worry, all that good stuff just washed over me as I began to think of what to write about development of different habits. Even just refining one that you have developed recently that are need of nourishing because if they aren’t fully incorporated they can be lost in the stream of ordinary behavior that some part of you relies on to exist with some kind of contentment. Anger is coming up too. I want to blame my parents, other authority figures, society, why the fuck didn’t you tell me this shit was like this? It was like I got thrown into some place that I quickly realized I didn’t want to be and upon my resistance was only offered a simple apology of how things are just the way they are and there is nothing you can do about it. Or maybe that is just how I perceived it based upon generational knowledge that holds more responsibility than I will ever give it credit for in dictating the transcription of cellular data. What? So you are telling me that maybe just maybe all the shit you think, feel, and perceive might not be all you? Especially being so young as I was to make such stalwart decisions about the way life is, where the fuck did that come from? My parents seem to naive and aloof to have been the only contributing factor in the residence that I have met the world with. Or maybe it is all me, maybe I just saw stuff for how I saw it and made my choices off that. Maybe it is the blessing and burden of having a sharp cutting mind that I learned to use at a ver young age to cut off what I am not able to deal with. Ok, cool, maybe, but what now? Like you know all the story, and you are forever working towards directing the “what happened” from how you perceived/are perceiving “it” “life” “reality” whatever. Fuck, again I feel like this is going down some never-ending spiraling synopsis of how good I am at not seeing things “the way they really are” and just using my unlimited introspection to distract myself from what is here for me currently. Ok, changing the game, right now. Right now my left wrist is achey, maybe from the gym yesterday, maybe from the jalapeño poppers dad made that I ate after work last night. Regardless, it’s uncomfortable, but other than that I feel pretty good. Better than pretty good actually because I actually went to the gym yesterday and deadlifted for the first time since March. I got 345 lbs up five times as a max, I was at 395 before the pandemic, and I might have been pushing it, but in theory I can get back to that with a five pound increase each week in ten weeks or so. I am ready for the cold, almost slightly excited which is something totally new that I can’t even believe I am saying. Like Win Hof says, cold is a teacher, and I feel like I really need that right now. Again to come back to developing habits. My morning routine is pretty on point when I get up early enough to accomplish it thoroughly. I want to incorporate move movement, breath, and meditation. That is going to take discipline beyond what you have already developed. The easiest way to gain more of what you already have is accountability. Back to the initial idea that if I were to put into place a when, where, and what I could easily expand in areas that I feel so much resistance towards. The first question I am faced with is the for what? What is the dream, goal, objective or being in action around habits in personal development. The first thought that comes to mind is being a leader in a community that supports the things that support the betterment of peoples lives. Which includes waking up early, exercise, breathing, reading, writing, nourishment, dreaming, sleeping, dancing, singing, telling stories, working towards a common goal. Shit even just having common goals for the collective to work on, things that are decentralized and rooted in the heart center. I imagine being some kind of ring leader for a specific group, I will be one of many and there is no one higher up in authority that any other. We are all equal, we are all one. I gotta get up and move, also feel a need to look up circus ring leaders and how they became a thing. K bye love you! 949 7:07am

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September 23rd 2020 5:56am Wednesday

I want today to be a start again. I missed yesterday because I woke up too late. Or at least thats what I tell myself. I didn’t write yesterday because I didn’t write, I looked up stuff about the root chakra instead and copied some information from a website to a notebook. Riveting I know. So far today has been slow, hit the snooze for like thirty minutes, spent too long in the shower, and scrolled social media for nearly ten minutes. Ordinary af but not wrong or bad, just is what happened. At this point right this moment it all doesn’t matter because I am sitting, typing, and I have coffee so really I am winning, I just had some obstacles to overcome to get to this point. But now I am here. I think I want to do what I know to do but have been so resistant of. Planning, goal setting, objective task completion, you know how it works, you know how to talk about it, yet it hasn’t happened yet for you. That idea of waiting for the thing that is going to light the fire, waiting for it to happen rather than being the cause in the matter. That is what I need you to do. Be the cause in the matter of your life, your dream, your purpose, your destiny so to say. I have said it over and over, but lets reiterate, it is all up to you. Which may seem like a burden of a whole lot of responsibility when looked at from a low vibe fear driven egotistical framework. Sure the ego does not want you to step out of your comforts and reach for bigger and greater things because that would mean uncomfortable moments and even a disintegration of all the things that make up the way you are currently. However that is what you want. You want transformation, which is inherently going to involve transforming from one state to another. It is time to quit judging yourself, and being so attached to story and meaning. You are powerful, strong, self expressed, compassionate, and so much more. What you know is that you must be in a new relationship with the structures, frameworks, and mechanisms that you exist within to dismantle the old ones and begin to make the voice of transformation louder than the voice of meaning making about the attachments you perceive to have with abandonment, failure, and rejection. First off you should probably really congratulate yourself for coming so far and never going too far off the deep end while out navigating the intricacies of changing your mind and your life. I was a very different person in some ways with some people. Incorporating an idea that you are constantly winning if you act in discordance with how you would have historically acted. The stories about how you were vs. how you are now is what need some kind of revamping of how the story goes and what it means to you. It is all fine and dandy that you occur “better” than you were to yourself. But the way that you label the person you were before is a weird way of bringing a negative connotation upon yourself without even realizing you are doing it. You perceive this past version of yourself as being so gross, rude, and down right hurtful. Even though you know that you were never all that bad or had any intention of purposefully hurting anyone. Yet the story is as if that were true. You can so easily incorporate the scum. You can just blindly accept the ordinary historic stories of how “im a loser” “im a piece of shit” “fuck my life” all of that still sounds so comfortable and familiar because on some backasswards egotistical level that is how you learned to survive whatever you perceived as a threat. So when life becomes a threat you lower your own personal esteem to prove to yourself… hmm. something. Its like if I keep myself in this totally meaning made lower vibrational state chained up with degridational language and incorporation of detrimental stories that all may not necessarily be true but occur as totally real when it comes time to be up against a challenge. It is a worry about the result of a challenge and it’s an old story and it basically can get summed up as a fear of failure. More so worry about failure because I am rarely fearful, I guess I used to be, regardless. You have kept yourself safe by puposefully holding yourself back with the chains, prison bars, and shakes of language, and at this point I want fucking out. I am allowing you to get yourself out of jail. Dang, but all I’ve ever known was jail, where do I go? What do I do? Those questions will answer themselves once you incorporate the freeing of your mental enslavement. In your heart you know what is right. You have got the goods. Be skeptical, but all be considerate to yourself, others, and the world. I feel as if I have spend more time examining the intricacies of the situation than actual putting in actionable plans to shift the narrative and create a different future than I am living into. Either way, you are doing great, and no one can take that from you, not even yourself. 902 6:27am

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September 20th 2020 8:04am Sunday

Currently at the black elephant hostel in Portland Maine. What can I say, I cant help but feel like I fucked up. There have been several situations throughout this trip that I have felt like I was totally away from myself. Last night being the furthest from that. It’s not like I did anything bad it’s just the idea that you know if certain things like substance are not checked or regulated you take it over board every time. With no plan or clear vision to run your own personal moral compass by you tend to fall into ways of being that seemingly aren’t in line with what you want or need really. This is so meta and introspective at this point I don’t even know if I will post this one because I want to paint the picture of what happened vs. all the story and bullshit that I am so attached to. Hmm. That’s what is going on attachment to the story rather than just letting all the shit be. Ok so last night started off a little slow and I wasn’t sure quite what to do with myself. Again no plan. So you relied on substances… like usual. Went to the co-op and got a four pack. Sat outside with two other hostel people (their names have been changed for privacy) Kevin and Brittany. I pounded three cans pretty quickly. My goal at that point was to just talk and chill and possibly smoke weed. I think that intention came out the strongest into the field of possibility and the universe delivered, because I Kevin had weed and was willing to share. He is playing in a disc golf tournament today, he was all about Whole Foods selection of craft beers and bougie breweries. The other hostel mate was Brittany, she plays in a band, and also prior to the pandemic was doing tour management stuff for bands and driving people around. She was rad af, super extroverted sober punk girl that has a motorcycle rack on the back of her truck. Another friend came out as Brittany left, Alex, she’s actually currently sitting caddie corner to me doing work stuff. Sounds like a whole lot of clicking. She said she’s a designer. Regardless by the time Kevin broke the weed out it was Alex, Kevin, and me. I spliced it up a little and rolled some tobacco into the doobie. At that point I was pretty lit and feeling like raging. Kevin and Alex went to hit it and I chilled inside, a basketball game was on, Celtics vs. Heat. Another hostel-mate, Richard was all about Boston winning. The rest of the time I spent last night would be with Rich. At a point all the people at the front desk went out to get food. Rich asked if I did dabs, that’s a question that I have not had to consider in a long while. I was excited by the idea of getting higher because I was already feelin’ it. We chilled for while smoking dabs out of his nectar collector. Rich is an extraordinary human being. Being around him was very exciting. Magnanimous is the first word that comes to mind. I could tell he had a decent upper middle class job, probably some kind of finance stuff. Fuck I lost my train people are talking and I am getting bored with this story. The story goes like this, I got too fucked up off dabs. Two girls came in that were gorgeous. I took their picture on the couch. I felt awkward because of too much weed and historic insecurities. The girls were heading out for the night and there was a moment when I could, fuck I hate that word, I am so attached to that could… I could have followed them out into the night, easily, I “could” have shined like a star. But I was tired, I was cold, I felt weak, I gave up before I even started. It also is a matter of going into these cycles where I am subjecting myself to situations that put my insecurities in front of myself. The fear of rejection, abandonment and failure had washed over me and I caved. Rich even commented on it, like “you should have went with them” c’mon man that’s not what I need to hear. Look at it this way, there is nothing to be attached to but the story. You want to justify it now, be like, they weren’t my type, we didn’t click or vibe right away. How many relationships have you had that you did not vibe at first but through conversation ended up having a different outcome then the initial interaction, plenty. I’m going to keep reiterating that it isn’t worth the constant nagging of coulda woulda bullshit. Jason Silva posted a quote about being well planned and organized so you can be wild and violent with your creativity. Another justification but like if you were to be tighter with moral compass and keep your actions and behaviors in line with a code of conduct that is ongoingly leading you towards what you truly desire, then situations like this one might occur less random and chaotic, maybe actually start planning luck and coincidence. That would be nice. So what you missed out on was a night out, or you missed out on the time of a lifetime with two gorgeous blonds. Either way you are here on a kitschy shag carpet couch thing listening to some new indie stuff through an Alexa unit. I want to run away and hide after this. I want to count it as a loss, but I know it isn’t true. It’s just another excuse another reason to “waste” time on what is really true and keep yourself away from yourself.. The real win isn’t some fantastical story about how you go out with the beautiful women and have a great time. The win is taking the situation for what it is and what it was, which is just a happening that happened. Without judgement or expectation upon anything. Without allowing that itch of insecurity to come in and be like “but if only”, blah blah blah. Such a practice of mindfulness, because it is a balance of remembering to forget. “Next time” which is another fantasy, but the idea that maybe just maybe at some point you will act upon a situation with disregard to your stories. That is what the win can be continuously. The ability to act upon that first itch of action and just allow all the other reasons and justifications to do their thing without judgement. They are always going to be there. Another thing that just came to me is that the judgements you are putting on yourself are not even mine. Like the idea that I am a single male that no matter what should always be chasing every girl I encounter is a such a weird narrative that I have been thrown into. Regardless if I do or don’t, whether or not I want to or not, under the misogynistic patriarchal general consensus of American men that I have encountered. No matter what under any circumstance you are somehow less of a man for not going for it. Such a typical stupid movie plot bullshit. Just let it be a reminder that it ain’t you. You are whole, perfect, and complete, everything else is just story. The last thing is something Richard told me RBG said which was why is it that it is such a outlandish idea to have all the seats of the Supreme Court be held by women when they have all been held by men historically forever. Breath, let it go, move forward.1299 9:01am

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September 18th 2020 Friday 6:58am

Today I am coming to you from the Robbins Inn near Bar Harbor Maine. I made it, my goal was to get to Acadia and I am right up next to it. Now I just have to figure out what trail I can accomplish today and what the heck I am going to do tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday. One day at a time. I said yesterday that I want this to be the end of not planning, and I hold firm in that belief however you know how easily you can lead yourself astray from what you really want if you aren’t constantly checking yourself. Even more so then a “checking myself” whatever that means, you know you need specific measurable actionable goals to really get what you want. Yesterday I felt like I floundered for at least an hour in minor despair because I had no plan of getting here, where I was staying or anything. I spent most of the day yesterday in Portland. I left Worcester by like 9am and got to Portland by around 11. First thing I did was search for a skatepark, I figured that would be a place to interact with local or whatever. I found a cool little park with a bowl a nice flow and chilled for a bit. The first people I interacted with were also from Jersey, two were from LBI, and the one who wasn’t skating worked for PSEG in Audubon like 5 minutes from my house. What? Small South Jersey I guess. After riding for a bit most of the people there dispersed by 1 or so, it was getting warm out in the sun but luckily? there is still a fog of wildfire smoke blanketing the east coast so it wasn’t oppressive. Regardless, I wanted to explore more, maybe eat some food so I parked in a lot near a “wellness” place, which I thought was going to be some kind of store but it ended up being a dispensary. One thing that is a weird bummer about Maine is that weed is legal but it still can only be purchased with a medical card. I rode around Portland for a bit in search of spiritual shops, spots, and things to eat, but I wasn’t particularly successful. The one shop named simply, stones and stuff was the most promising but it was appointment only. As for spots I wasn’t looking that hard but there didn’t seem to be anything too phenomenal. I did find a cool record store place and got some stickers and a crystal. The best thing I found was a food co-op grocery store that was like the well refined version of what MOMs wants to be. I got some produce and raw goat milk yogurt, I couldn’t resist. After that I was torn, Portland is so hip and cool, I wanted to stay and see what the “night life” had to offer, but then again my goal was to get to Acadia. So I spent the next hour or so driving around aimlessly in the suburbs until I got to a point where I really had to make a decision. I stopped and searched for the cheapest closest places to Acadia, the Robbins Inn was that. The balance of price and distance to Acadia is pretty on point here. The closest airbnbs were either campsites or an hour away. I am so grateful for technology on this trip. I would have never been able to navigate where I was going, what I was doing, and how to do it without the phone. The technology may seem like a burden when you are caught up in useless scrolling, but it is also a blessing when you use it for the utility of navigation, room booking, and interesting content. Between the two drives yesterday I listened to a Paul Chek podcast and a Stan Grof podcast. The ability to learn while in motion traveling is such a transformative experience. I feel great, I had such an itch of excitement last night when I got to the motel. Really it started after I got off 295 and headed towards Trenton. I immediately got the impression that it is weird and kitschy up here. A lot of large ornamental statue things on people’s lawns. Like big goofy mini golf-esque stuff all over just for the sake of being weird, I love it. Just generally good vibes started hitting me. It’s like a mix of the beach and the mountains. Also it just seems simpler up here, like they established the area as a touristy place during the 60s/70s and it hasn’t really changed since. I arrived to the Inn by like 7 and chilled for a bit but was curious about Bar Harbor so I headed out for find food and drink. Settled at a very nice place called Side Street and had two beers. I got a haddock reuben to go and devoured it back at the hotel room. It was almost too quiet in Bar Harbor at night. Granted it was a Thursday and it’s the end of the season but it felt a little weird. Also it seemed like there were just too many options so each restaurant had only a few people. Also the mask thing is absurd. I feel so bad for all the people who are generally so afraid, it’s such a shame. You just have to let it be and forget about it, but there was a particular moment when I was walking past two people smoking cigarettes and I was well over 15-20 feet from them and I looked over and they both covered their faces real quick as if I was leper. Beyond my own insecurities about people “not liking me” for whatever made up reason I have, just to think about the absurdity that someone that is actively participating in a habit like smoking which is the number one thing killing people globally to have a thought like, “I better cover my mouth with a piece of cloth to keep myself safe from this other human near me” is just flat out sad, absurd, and pretty scary actually because the deep level at which they have become brainwashed happened quickly and swiftly and I can only hope they find it within themselves to question their actions. Jeez, well I have to get on with figuring out what trail(s) to hit today and what to do tonight, do I stay? do I move on? You should decide by 3 because really time is “running out” for your big covid congratulations vacation. 1098 7:50am

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September 17th 2020 Thursday 6:11am

Currently sitting at a desk in a Best Western hotel located in Marlborough Massachusetts, a suburb of Worcester.. I began driving last afternoon with little to no plan other than the direction I am headed is towards Acadia national park in Maine. The drive went smoothly until I hit route 15 in Connecticut. It was stop and go for miles. At that point I had been driving for well over three hours. I was getting antsy, and I had to pee. So I went a longer route along the coast to see if there was any views. At the time I really didn’t consider the forest fire haze currently washing over the east coast. It is hitting me that the views at Acadia will be hazy as well, but I’m kinda set at this point on getting there. So the drive through Connecticut was uneventful, mostly just the similar smelly metropolis you can get from any east coast city. The sun was beginning to set, and I don’t really like driving in the twilight before the sun is completely down. I would rather drive in the light or the darkness. Something about it makes everything harder to deal with. So I pulled off the highway again and came across a small brewery called thimble island. It looked promising for food and a drink. The beer I got was seemingly high quality but the food was all fried food truck trash. I debating getting all the things sans buns, rolls, and fries. But then really what am I even paying for? So I just got the beer and searched my phone for airbnb ideas. I decided to get back on the road and just get to Worcester, which was my hopeful destination for the day. Luckily I made myself a salad before I left and bought canned mackerel. It hit the spot. I drove for another hour or so through some very dark sections of 395 in Connecticut to Massachusetts. My phone brought me to the main inner city part of Worcester. I should have looked at where the directions were really taking me because that area pretty much sucked. All the roads were under construction, nothing was open, no one was around. Really can’t expect much more from nearing ten o’clock on a Wednesday. I was also low on gas. Luckily found a gas station, filled up and sat in the parking lot to write in my notebook. I want this trip to be the end of not planning. Like, cool, you can just go drive somewhere but then you end up in gas station parking lots to do your contemplative writing. Not really ideal at all. I was just on my phone searching around for places to go and stay this evening. I can possibly stay at this farm place that is only looking for ten bucks and two hours of labor. I’m intrigued just to see what kind of labor they would have lined up for strangers. Nearly all the other airbnbs I found were as much or more than any cheap hotel. Somehow managed to snag the place that I am at currently for $65. All things considered that is a deal, I checked in at like eleven pm. I want to be somewhere more scenic so I can manifest and contemplate. That is what this trip should be about. How I have the power to do all the things I want to do. It just takes being in action about the being I am occurring as. I want to be able to take a trip like this and have connections all along the way. That could easily be accomplished by putting more of yourself out there. Especially in video form, and having offering that people anywhere around the world can consume. You feel an odd resistance because you know it would be a lot of work, but it also just seems too easy. As if everything is supposed to be hard. The part that ego seems to be stuck on is a behavior that may not even be true to me. That is an act of secrecy about who I really am and what I really can accomplish. Ego wants me to hide my expression because it is safer that way. It has me pretty well convinced that the apparent exploitation of my true expression of myself is like cheating or something. As if I have to struggle and suffer at everything else except the thing that rings true. It is an excuse, a justification, and it just simply is not loving or truthful. For no reason and without judgement upon looking good or bad. That is the habit I want to create. I just want to be real with myself and transmit that realness outward. I know I have the goods, a spark of life that people need right now. A deep under and inner standing of the intricacies of mind, body, and spirit. Sounds corny, I know, but truly allowing myself to incorporate the idea that I have what is needed and wanted by so many people is going to take “being corny” to some extend. You are either going to get over yourself and be the change you want to see, or continue to act in a way that you are not being your true self and are constantly allowing ego to justify how and why it’s ok… 903 7:09am

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September 16th 2020 Wednesday 5:41am

Back at it, back intu the routine of getting up early, getting the stuff done and sitting down in front of the computer to practice. I incorporated an easy breathing practice this morning that I am super excited to incorporate. Just a simple count of five in and five out for 33 rounds, and obviously the numbers can change but it was very grounding a clearing. The whole anahata’s purpose weekend has been so grounding and clearing. Even though it felt like I jumped right back into the same routine of life at least I gave myself the time off from work to integrate stuff. Also I have been being in observation towards my actions rather than judgement and it is feeling pretty natural at this point. Not really finding any reason to get down on myself in any way. Even if my actions aren’t quite in line with what I would truly like, I am not actively making it worse or a bigger deal that it has to be. It is one this to go back to substances that you have recognized as not being beneficial most of the time to your growth and progress and just observing the interaction and possible consequences if they arise. It is a whole other thing to go back to substance with a mental framework that you have to do these things to not be yourself, to escape, to cause harm that you believe you deserve. Then even further when you lean further into the judgement centers of consciousness and you think stuff like “oh I’m such a piece of shit for going back to the substances.” It not only becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, it uses so much more energy to be in that mind state. The mindset of believing that you deserve to be subjecting yourself to the detrimental ways of being creates more of what you get. You use substances because you want to subtly punish yourself for some apparent cause that is justified by evidence from a story that may not necessarily be true, but you believe it anyway and use the substance to not only feel away from your self, you get to use the experience to justify doing it again and continuously if that mindset about it doesn’t shift. I feel like I am always writing about this idea. I have probably said it many different ways different times. I want to be able to synthesize this idea into something palatable and then be able to convey that there is a way out and make a map about the different ways to get out of the cycles of being away from yourself and sharing the ways that have been found to be most beneficial for breaking up cycles of worry and self doubt.

I want to change the subject to cells. When I first began to learn about cells and actually understood the apparent processes that are happening, everything shifted. The idea of cells was there for me ever since high school biology class but when I started taking a deeper dive within the past couple years really nothing else has rung more true to my heart than the science of cellular processes, interaction, and interconnectivity. It is the easiest way to shift so much of the woo woo stuff into actual observable scientific information. The woo woo stuff can’t even compete with the incredible power of the physical interactions happening on a cellular level. Nearly everything we did over the weekend at anahata’s supported mitochondrial health, yet no one talked about it. I really want to be the one that mixes the woo woo with cellular science. From my relatively basic understanding too it apparently all comes down to two factors, mitochondrial, and cell membrane health, all other things fall in line once those two are taken good care of. Since if you are doing things to support mitochondria then the rest of the cell will be supported by a healthy entity that is able to do more incredible things than I even have time to get into. It is at this point my understanding of how to be healthy is to support mitochondrial health by consuming high quality air, water, nutritious food, exercising, quality time with others, and sleeping properly. Each one of those categories could easily be expounded upon for a whole section of this website, which is where I want it to head but for now I ask of anyone who could be reading this to research on their own how to support their mitochondria and go from there, the information is out there and the limitless possibilities of discovery around yourself and the world are present at any moment that you allow yourself to let go observe and just simply love. 798 6:16am