Feeling so lost and empty about continuing to exist in behaviors that distract me from myself. So many behaviors from being young were just the way that I did things. The way that everyone does things. Staying up too late watching tv, is what endlessly scrolling on your phone is today. The point is that these learned programmed behaviors are set in motion way before you existed. The behaviors signify depression, anxiety, want for something outside yourself. Fuck my coffee is good this morning, what the fuck, how about we talk about that for a second other than all of this depressing shit. Your constant analysis of all the neurotic shit you do is barely even scratching the surface of all the bogus shit going on in my head about who I am, whats going on, and what I say to myself about all of it. What I want to get across is that I was taught, learned, taught myself that staying up too late watching tv was good, an accomplishment even. I never knew the consequence! Duh, so you kept pushing the limit waiting for the consequence to occur, but it doesn’t happen that quick, the addiction forms over years and then eventually you are always coming back. But yea those things that I perceived as good back in the day now are definitely perceived as bad or wrong. Which make me wrong and bad presently because you are doing things that historically you enjoy doing, but now because you know the consequence you feel a sense that you “should” be responsible, and when you aren’t you get down on yourself again. It is such a constant struggle to stay in the same spot… Like you keep bringing yourself back down so you can rise to just where you were before, proably lower and then when you are actually feeling “good again” You then get faced with a new path to climb a further opportunity up and a certain part of you that seems to enjoy this trip motivates you to part take in behavior that is reckless towards responsibilities, the risk is way higher than reward. The reward is what it’s all about isn’t it? Getting all the dopamine hits for short term instant gratification bullshit. It feels like punishment in the long run. Like you only have so much and the spikes that tv, phone, food, give you deplete the fuck out the rest of the supplies, plus you get used to the spikes and don’t even feel. the waves of normal levels of cognitive juices. I just had a thought that everyone, yes everyone, every human being has a mental or cognitive “disorder” Why aren’t we taught this? The culture of eugenics and being normal, the same, and perfect is still upon us. Maybe? Either way the whole shit ain’t really flying high as well as it did a half century ago. The information is out there to be better, people are doing it every day. Dontcha you wanna play? Tell it like a story. Being unaware of the workings of the human mind and spirit the general consensus was that everything was controlled by forces outside of yourself and all fortune misery and luck come from some external source. This has changed but the feels linger on. To be completely honest I’m done writing about what ever the fuck I was rambling about, already I know, I was thinking too hard about trying to make some point that has probably already been made by someone way smarter than me. Wow so defeatist all the time, how’s that working out for ya? When you get into this flow of putting words down for the heck of it you find that your inner dialogue shits all over you and holds you down. Then you attempt to comment on it or even work out some way to curb the behavior, habit, pattern and then you get lost and then you trail off and get bored because truly there is no big answer to be found, you basically already know it, what you are doing is putting some craving for some ideal big answer to be the big solution when you know that the the solution is all within you within your grasp. You really aren’t starting small enough, the small gradual changes are what has gotten you this far, kicking and screaming the whole way. Not really sure what… Thats a “racket” it just blurted out. I had a point to this. I guess to show the defense mechanism in action, like I bring up solutions that aren’t pretty or instantly good and I’m like no I’m going right back to the cookie jar and having another one and another one and another one and I am going to completely trick myself into believing that tomorrow doesn’t matter, the fews days after for that matter, and being sick is just up to the universe, a gamble to decide whether or not the excess consumption effects me too poorly or not. This has been a weird one, I just went back and read what I wrote, It made a lot more sense than I thought it did, I basically gave up on myself just as I started the thought. It is definitely because it is a weird concept to pull all together into on phrase or even a few sentences. Again, you’re kinda just sabotaging yourself before you even tried, and that ok, I gotta get off of here, but first I want to liven the mood with. little bit of acknowledgement. You are really powerful, you have the ability to create magic. Let your magic abilities flow, love you, your doing great! 6:32am 955
Everything is different today. I woke up late so I missed my regular writing time. Now I am writing at aunt Marby’s table rather than my desk. Riveting I know. So whats going down in Spence town you say? That is a sure fire way to get up on whats going down. That which is behind all we see. From merely a seed grows a great tree. Feels ok, repetitive, we are fine divine and one time for once and always. Love lingo sent passing through me.
When am I going to see that my own mental enslavement is and will continue to enslave all those around me just that little bit more because I am so boxed in and frozen. Sure you could look at it that way, again as being the worst thing ever! Or just keep it moving. Even bringing up stuff like this is tough because it gets too personal. Yea dogg taking responsibility is personal. The way to approach is with compassion and non-judgement. But its soo hard like everything bad is my fault and I just keep fucking up and losing and focusing on said fuck ups nd loses over anything else.
You need a new narrative control team. You are great at doing what you are doing, and you are ready for more. Affirmations bro, you did it before so you know it works. You are getting better at realizing your compulsive behaviors. The next step is to work to identify and eliminate the story you tell yourself about it. Bridging that gap is the key to learning. It is tough but it is possible, dang thats kind of an affirmation. Nah shit ain’t that tough, as long as you remember you’re a fucking boss that accepts and receives all the abundance the universe reflect upon you. That point again about the basis of the reflection and how thats the most important element of how you view yourself in the universe and what it reflects back and how breaking out of those patterns of existing in the universe with innumerable imbalances, disharmonies, impotences due to limiting self talk and stories that end up looking and sounding like “not good enough”. That thing that deep down “dark/shadowy” place that has you saying to the universe subconsciously that you, a reflection of the divine, are not good enough. That is where I kinda started out having the though about like if I’m holding back the expression of my loving giving divineness then how am I going to place an judgment on anyone else around me especially because if it were to be a thing that could be accessed more regularly there would inevitably be a ripple effect. Meaning, being in action, participating in practice, the gift of word, expression, love, and harmony applied to all aspects of existing.
I should probably start writing about something specific to practice what that would be like. I kind of want to find out exactly why butter coffee is so good. At least for me it has such a positive effect on my mental and physical state. I have seen a few videos explaining the benefits and anecdotally heard that it was great but until I tries it at certain times when my body is craving sugar in the morning the butter coffee seems to curb off the craving for some time because it gets fats to digest rather than sugars and the caffeine promotes metabolic function which is hopefully breaking down all the crap I ate last night quicker than if it was burdened with more food on top. I am torn and this is going to seem boring and lame but like I enjoy eating fruit in the morning, Ive been doing it for some time and I just enjoy the feeling. However it tend to leave me in a sugar high then crash state, which inevitable turns into craving more food, specifically sugars and the cycle continues until I pass out. So the thing I enjoy doing leads me to places that I don’t enjoy being. The fast til afternoon seems to have the best result most of the time. Hmm, I just want to eat fruit and feel as good as I do when I have fasted. do I have to choose either or?
My guess would be that there are ways around it and they are being more active, even just more expressive and engaged which would pretty much mean you would have to be more expressed. Ok affirmations I forgot, you are valuable as fuck! Yea, I love the beautiful soul in which you are, aw. I am better than good, I’m great! I am treasure and valued! I am ready to love life! Keeping moving! You are not your stories! 798 10:21am
I read a short instagram post about “the lion’s gate” which is some cosmic event that apparently culminated yesterday. It also claimed that since yesterday was 8/8 it was one of the luckiest days of the year. The alignment of galaxies and the infinite eight apparently helped things get on point. Yesterday did feel pretty good, had some wins, had some perceived loses, but I’m moving forward. So far today has been easy. Inflammation is such an issue. I keep wanting to play around like I won’t feel like crap in the morning due to consumption of some sugar or gluten. Like Troy Casey said it really shows up as a hangover. Sugar hangover, gluten hangover, lack of sleep hangover, thats a good way to describe it because it’s relatable.
What I know so far off the bat is that sleep is the most important thing. Across the board it seems like the general consensus is coaching someone into getting better quality sleep is as important, probably more than any other aspect of life. The couple things tie into sleep, so it all goes hand in hand. If you exercised enough better sleep can be achieved. Exercise creates all kinds of feel good hormones along with crazy things like BDNF which promotes growth. Mindfulness is key as well, because I was thinking about all the ways in which one could exercise improperly, either incorrectly, too hard, too light, however. So being mindful of yourself, what you are doing, where you are at is completely important. Results may be achieved through breathing, meditating, and yogic practices. However there are numerous ways to do all the things and everyone is different. So sticking to the basics at first key to not get lost in the sea of opinions. Same goes for diet, the best diet is not diet and that is achieved through mindfulness, and awareness. Then again you are making it seem so easy, like oh yea just be mindful and aware and everything will be better? How the fuck do I do that? Breath more, how, where, when? What do I do when I meditate? Is this going to take a long time? So much cultural ego to break through. Fuck I totally lost the track to go down some road to undermine myself because “the problem is too big for little old you to solve”. that story is the one that stops you nearly every time. What you shall do is be faithful then. Well, Ok, how would you do that? I would have to be courageous, determined, and accountable. Self accountability is what I am generally talking about, hmm. This whole thing is just a journey on a track of becoming mature. Being accountable for yourself is inseparable from being mature. It would look like a map, or something like that. On the map there is a place where you are at, and a place where you will be. Thats the distinction too, you are going to BE there. Even though it is very hip to just live in the now. Creating where you are going to be is what human beings have proven to be good at. Soo there is a value in objectivity in this subjective existence. The marker is you, where you are currently at, the object is the destination. You are going to be at that destination barring any sudden and highly unlikely death. If that person is stronger, happier, fatter, or drunker is up to you.. Another core belief that supports this is the faith in the universe being benevolent and providing all the abundance required when called upon. The “when called upon” part is key because the universe gives what it receives. Which means if it is receiving nothing but negativity and blah for a poor human beings life that has been run and ruined by the outcomes of life. Then the universe will receive that call as a message that what you must need is more of what you are creating. Which in the negative case is more blaming hurtful bullshit. Once the blessing go up the praises come down. The universe is like your dog, no matter what you do they are still going to love you unconditionally. If you could imagine the flowers growing and the birds chirping to be the universes love for you, things that are always there and keep coming back unconditionally. Thats the one too unconditional, theres gotta be a shorter word for that.. Regardless, unconditionally accountable for love, hmm sounds amazing. Beyond judgment, beyond worry. This has kinda gone all over the place again, whatever, it’s only day four? Maybe theres a sentence or two in here that is worth it, we’ll see, hope you had fun. I kinda forgot about food and how it plays so a huge role in all of these things. Also forgot I started off with sleep, well you know eating too late can wreak havoc on sleep. Too much coffee can effect sleep. We must just accept at some point that sleep is your greatest weapon against the world, it allows your body to regenerate unlike any other time when awake. Get your mind, sleep, diet, and movement right. Stabilize and mobilize imbalances. Offer a map to escape chronic pain.881 6:11am
This compulsion has become the propulsion for seeking devotion and avoiding explosion. I want this to get as meta as I can lead it. The question is where to progress. So many options, I have gotten better, but that feeling of overwhelm from all the choices stops me. Even these words, I could twist this any way I want, and will for the sake of originality. There is something to be said about the multiple sides of genius. The well educated, driven genius that spends a lot of time manipulating models that already exist, and the prodigy artist that creates their own models.
The proclivity to reprehend and apologize for a perceived failure is so ingrained in our culture. I was so close to starting this off with some apology about how the last paragraph didn’t really make much sense. This is when I do best “talking” to the keys and putting the stuff directly out. When I begin to think about what coming out I pause. Even right now I feel like I m dragging on. That just seems to be the theme, do something that should be considered an accomplishment, little as it may be. And instead of acknowledging yourself for the achievement you immediately make it wrong. This drives an apologetic self demonizing script. So watch out for that one. Just allow the stuff to flow, detach from the result and keep it moving. You wrote one paragraph that sucks, so what. You should be celebrating the task itself of writing the paragraph not judging the result on some false expectation of it being “good” or not sucking or whatever. The expectation that you are even going to be able to produce “good” writing, especially at first is just foolish of you. “IT” “EGO” the judgmental driving force that keeps us safe but separate is always going to find a way to stop you before you even start, because some times starting something that has a possibility of success would mean to some degree that this “it” thing would have to be uncomfortable, shit this “it” thing is like a crabby geriatric that is wayyy to stuck in their ways to consider getting out of bed let alone beginning something new that requires practice, patience, and energy. Whata sentence, right? It feels better to be free and “incorrect” then it does to be freezing and pausing.
What next? It? Things? What I seem to enjoy to do at this point is philosophize and analyze my current states of being and comment on how they play out? The reason, yea thats what you should have a reason. Whats the reason to do things? Maybe not the best question, see what I mean, its so pervasive and constantly if I allow it to flow then it sneaks in ruthlessly, lol not the best… Just because I had another thought doesn’t mean that what I wrote wasn’t the “best” in that moment because now I can comment on it. Identifying, awareness, and mindfulness of the patterns is so crucial in first knowing what it is you are doing and why your doing it plus having some “hope” that there is another way and a belief that humans can evolve and the strive to become a better human being than you were is a craving as strong as all the others.
I guess what this is all about is whether or not that strive to get better is within you specifically around this project. It has been three years since the idea dawned on you and these past three blog posts have been some of the most amount of time invested intu development of protocols that align with common goals of looking, feeling, and being “better” or optimized is a good word but it sound too robotic, not sure if thats Optimus Primes fault or not. That’d be a sick name, Optimus… But let’s get back to basics the beginning of becoming a being that breaks through barrier of body, mind, spirit begins briefly but begrudgingly you believe. What I meant by that if it wasn’t totally not obvious was that affirmations, self talk, exercise/movement, and especially diet all can be systematically shifted towards alignment with the “greater” Hmm… I was going to say greater good, or power. There really should be a clear distinction between good and bad that inherently nothing is good or bad. However things in this physical arena which we get to frolic in people have agreed upon things being good and bad, so they can be seemingly heavier. The thing to really get is greater and worser detached from any expectation of it being good or bad. That can allow a person to see the objectivity in what they are actually doing. If you kept seeing yourself doing worse and you DIDNT’T get down on yourself about it, you would probably be kind to yourself as you would to anyone else who was down and help yourself out and generate something.837 6:13am
Out of the innumerable things that covid has brought to light. The passing of time and how much can go by in such a seemingly short amount of time is absurd. The point is that the world never stops, never will, and if you aren’t preparing for your time here it will pass you by very quickly. Thats all I got. So far. Knowing that this is going to be some public post on a website that no one knows about has me being way more cautious about what I say. I want to write about things that are important to me. I recently got a book called the potent self by Moshe Feldenkrais. It makes distinctions between compulsive and spontaneous action. It gets into how to navigate and correct contradictions in human movement and action. I have been actively witnessing my own compulsive behaviors. Compulsive behaviors show up as tension, the source and location of tension is different for everyone. However generally it resonates from the abdomen into the chest and jaw. I find myself in these muscular holding patterns exactly like the book explained. The reason I even go the book was because David Weck explained something about it in a video a couple months ago.
I learned from an early age that I can “waste” time. Now it is a constant battle with behaviors that I continually have to correct. It has become compulsive to waste time. Due to many factors the propensity to gravitate toward doing nothing has become the rebellion. It seems that I do certain things to “get back at” life for its “unfair” treatment. The story historically made sense because “life” was some kind of external entity that was coming at me and I had no control over. I do see things slightly different now. However the thoughts and feelings still persist. What if the “life” thing that you defined as some external existence that you were thrown into is actually just a self defeating narrative. Yes, that kinda makes some sense that I would become my own saboteur and blame it on something else to relieve myself of responsibility.
Looking good to avoid looking bad is a distinction landmark education uses in their courses to define an aspect of human behavior. It seems to fit well with what I have been wrestling with for some time. “Theres something wrong” is what it sounds like. When it comes up it looks like compulsive behavior governed by motivations that keep you safe. However this safe place you have created is in isolation. You figure if you remove yourself from any and all situations where you could possibly “look bad” there is no chance of being in any danger. It’s wild to think that “looking bad” has become entangled with danger.
Several years ago when I first started writing I said that I have a “weak” brain. In the case I was making bad then it was seemingly true. However now I realize that some parts may seem weak, but others are definitely very strong. Also I think more fitting definitions for the compulsions would be dominant and subdued. When I am confronted with something difficult, especially something that could result in “looking bad”. There is a dominant voice that is actually very strong in the ability to control. The control it has shows up as avoidance. The ability to avoid is very strong in you, yes. The avoidance almost inevitably turns into isolation. Especially if confronted with something meaningful. The avoidance then become a judgment on who and what you are. It’s a lose, lose, because not only are you not exercising the piece of you that handles confrontation. You perceive this compulsive behavior as an inadequacy, which drives you deeper into isolation. I hope this is relatable.
For example imagine a situation where you want to accomplish something. To accomplish this thing you are going to be confronted with a possibility of looking bad. Due to many reasons the compulsion is to avoid. The avoidance voice dominates all others. That should be enough, but theres more. It has to get something from the avoidance. What it gets is a sense of control. It seems that it can be in control best when avoiding and in isolation. It gets a sense of security and safety when it avoided confrontation. You would think that would “feel good.’ However quite the contrary because the avoidance is perceived as a failure. Even though “it” was the one that made the choice to avoid, “it” also perceives the choice as an insufficiency and creates a story that you are lacking something. It is setting you up for failure before you even start. So STOP IT is what I am constantly telling myself. Taking responsibly for your life starts with observing where you are at currently. 807 6:13am
Where the heck do I even start. Knowing that I am posting this stuff publicly has me hesitating to write freely. I usually begin the stuff with at least a few sentences about how I feel and whats going on. So maybe instead of continuing to resist, I will allow it to flow and see where it goes. I actually feel better. Exercised yesterday, avoided eating any crap food, got enough sleep. Up with my alarm, cold shower, make bed, coffee, write, here I am. I will start with food today. That is what I started with when I began the journey so long ago.
The “story” is just that, a story, it is merely just an interpretation of things that happened and/or are happening. The flow of writing things that have some kind of meaning or significance feels like it isn’t there. The moment you are looking for is fleeting. You will probably never really know how “good” or “bad” you are at this practice because all judgements are subjective when it comes to art. Is this art? Is writing an art? Can life be an art? That is a heavy word for me. I made some decisions by like 6-7 grade that determined how I am gong to be in the world. One of those decisions was that I wasn’t “good enough” to be an artist. There are plenty of people way more talented and deserving of the title artist. Not me, I pretended to be washed up before I even jumped in.
Back to the story that I wanted to put into words. I doubt anyone will even make it this far. I feel indecisive, it is creating a slight amount of tension. I want to release that and allow the stuff to flow. The story has not started I know, I know. Just trying to get into a groove. So it goes like this, I got sick. Maybe I am sick, well I was sick, and now I’m not, sure. For real though the difference between then, let’s say then is January 2014 and now is that I have shifted the patterns of food consumption.
It was a drunken New Years eve at a friends house in south Philly. A lot of high school friends were there. The girl I was dating at the time was friends with a girl from my grade coincidentally. Somehow me being the common denominator between two friend groups brought together new and old friends. There is not much memory to recall of that evening, other than a lot of drinking and smoking, the usual for me at that point. I find it weird that there is this underlying narrative that I continually want to paint the pictures of myself and how I have been in a “bad” or dark place. There is such a tendency to focus on the failures and the lack rather than the success that I am surrounded by. I’m going to try to be nicer to myself here and just be a little more objective for the length of this boring stories sake. The night went the way it did, vibes (for me at least) were weird. I woke up the next morning with such a bad sore throat, it was the first day of the year and I was a mess.
The symptoms persisted. I did not do much to ease the my own suffering. Just continued to drink and smoke. I know there are probably some records of these things somewhere, but as for now I’m just going off memory. I went to the doctors a few weeks into having persistent symptoms. Sore throat, cough, no energy, pretty typical stuff. Except I noticed that my left inner thigh lymph node was enlarged. This is what worried me more than just a regular cold thing. The doctor saw me for barely five minutes before he concluded that it must be strep and prescribed a z-pack. A few more weeks later, I was still run down, cold symptoms persisted. So I went back to the doctor, they ordered some blood work to see if there was something missing. Also gave me another antibiotic, this time a sulpha compound. The blood work showed nothing abnormal. The sulpha stuff gave me a rash that spread from my axial lymph nodes across my chest down my arms. Up until that point I had not gotten sick for any extended period of time. I of course made the mistake of searching the internet for answers. The conclusion I came to was that I was dying. I was actually scared that I had jeopardized my health due to my behavior. I went to the urgent care next to the Wawa in Audubon because I was scared to go back to the doctors.
The doctor at the urgent care identified the rash as a result of the sulpha drugs. Now I know I’m allergic. They also gave me one of the best tips for cleaning out ears. She told me to simply tilt my head down and in the shower allow the water to wash out my ears. Why isn’t this common knowledge, why aren’t we taught this, how come it took me so long to learn something so simple. The theme of my life up until that point was that the authority knows better. I was very dependent upon someone else knowing more that me being the basis of what I believed about myself. This all began to shift around this time. So after some more time of suffering with persistent symptoms. The rash went away but the my lymph nodes were still inflamed and I had no energy. I went back to the doctors a third time, fourth if you include the urgent care. Luckily I saw the other doctor at the practice, a new perspective of the story and symptoms. They suspected mono, the first round of blood tests did not test for that, why? Regardless, I got another round of blood work, and what do you know, Epstein Barr! I went back to the doctors the review the results, they gave another round of antibiotics and some of my symptoms finally began to subside. However my fatigue persisted.
I bought a truck around that time. Mainly to impress the girl I was dating. Also decided to move back out of my parents into the apartment below the one I used to live in on S. Davis in Audubon. It was March when I moved in. I was bitter about getting mono, things weren’t really working out for us, so we broke up. I still felt like shit all the time, but at least I knew I wasn’t dying. I began to research Epstein Barr and what to do about it. The conclusion was that since it is viral antibiotics do not work all that well in treating it. The solution that I came upon was being healthier through diet and lifestyle. Up until that point I hadn’t cooked anything other than eggs and bacon for myself, and rarely ate any fruit or vegetable. I began researching through watching YouTube videos about healthy eating. I began shopping for myself, cooking my own food, and the biggest thing I invested in was a blender to make smoothies.
Im going to stop it here, this has taken way longer than I wanted and I feel kind meh about the story. Whatever, I wrote, thats the practice. Show up, write, acknowledge the accomplishment regardless of any judgement of content. Thats what I am here for. At the end of my rants I like to “allow spirit to flow” through me to get the last little bit of junk broke loose. This usually involves putting strings of things together, mostly words. It’s absurd that I reserve my expression of this world for the bird and the nerds. Until next time. 1315 6:36am
I finally figured it out. I had been using WordPress.com to make a back log of blog posts that I never posted. I didn’t quite understand why I wasn’t able to change or customize the layout the way I saw people doing on YouTube tutorials. Now I get it, sorta, there is a WordPress.org that allows you to download the software and run it through a hosting site. So now I think I am finally ready to publicly blog all the random shit I write about in the mornings.
The practice of getting up a little earlier and writing on the computer has been so beneficial for a sense of accomplishment. If I can get a cold shower, make the bed, make coffee, and write at least 750 words my day has started right. I want to be more eloquent with the writing. Make shorter sentences. Then again also just want to do whatever feels good, which may mean having run on sentences that really accomplish nothing but go against grammatical correctness protocols. Some if not all of this may be perceived as nonsense. My hope is that nonsense to some is genius to others.
I am really good at allowing the negative, devaluing, discrediting self talk take the reins and just begin to rattle off insufficiencies. It’s not unique, it is the human condition. My intention is to allow things to flow and save myself from the secondary judgment of having to pause and waste time while writing trying to think of something inspiring to say. Out of the tens of thousands of words I have written and am writing I bet less then a hundred or so are truly meaningful and inspirational.
Since the beginning of May I have gotten up nearly every day got on the computer and wrote at least 750 words. The number and practice of writing comes from first the Artist’s way book. The first most important thing that book highlights is how crucial writing is. The book calls them “morning pages” and it recommends writing three pages in the morning daily. I took that practice on about three years ago. I started on a notepad and cheap composition books. I moved onto “decomposition’ books. I liked the idea of recycled paper and they have cool art on them. I now have six books completely full of my rambling. The voice in my head continually reminds me that I do this for “posterities sake.” Funny how a two word phrase can make such a major impact on behavior. Years ago a friend of mine was telling someone else to turn their phone horizontally to take a picture. He said to take the picture that way for posterities sake, and it just stuck with me.
Over a year into trying out some Artist way stuff I saw an ad for this guy Ryan Orrico doing random talking video. He would call out yoga fundamentalists on their bullshit. Even though I hadn’t even really done yoga at that point I followed. I was given this idea of intuitive genius the summer of 2017. The idea came out of doing the forum in early May, going to camp jam in mid May, and starting the being extraordinary seminar. Thats when a transformation happened that I still point to as the shifting point of between where I am now and where I was for the majority of my life prior. I think intuitive genius came out of that situation because I was so full of feelings of love, joy, excitement for life that I wanted to develop some way of sharing the experience. The idea is to create a program? I still question what exactly “it” looks like. However I know I want it to offer resources, maps, plans, frameworks that all align with human optimization.
Dang actually thinking about what the heck I am writing and why and trying to develop some kind of cohesion between telling a story and explaining parts of it is tough. Usually I am just writing shit like blah blah blah this is fucked up thats shitty all the shit is fuck and fuck is shit and this thing is there but yea maybe the point is to make a little more sense. The story goes like this, first act as if you exist. Pretend the role with different aliases. Take time to wonder why we are here. Release the motives and the fear. Shift the patterns before it’s “too late.” But when late isn’t late enough you know you’ve met the fate of a world so chaotic yet nimble. The work may be hard but the decision is simple. 775! 6:19am