Welcome, I am coming to you from Sea Isle city New Jersey. Not doubt that I was gonna get wifi immediately, there is nothing but residences as far as the eye can see. I want to go see the sea, I am very close. I want to write this on the beach. But I don’t want the computer to get sandy, dilemmas. In retrospect rising to watch the sunrise would have been the ticket. Did not plan or think that one through, maybe next week. Watched some of the democratic convention thing last night. What bothers me about it is how often everyone say dumb shit about trump. They put dumb lines like he isn’t fit to be in office four more minutes let alone four more years. Like sneaking in these little snarky remarks here and there. When in reality trump is a giant rotting sack of shit. The fact that they aren’t telling people straight up all the stuff that trump has actually done. Not even the stuff he’s accused of. It kinda sucks that framing him as a misogynistic pig might actually get other misogynistic pigs off. You know the kinda people that get off on abusing women, themselves, any and everybody. Do these people even matter? Do the voters even matter? Or does it have more to do with the lies the brainwashing the fear the herding the constant manipulation. Evil wicked deep perpetrated by evil wicked people who really see have no concern for anyone or anything else. People that flat out have no empathy or compassion for anyone outside their perception. Even any compassion for anyone or anything within their perception is fleeting and vacant. I can kind of relate. There really is nothing getting me my way but myself. Sure it isn’t easy, and seems scary, and the probability of having billions of monies is low. Thats just a realistic snapshot of what life looks like. Outside of comparison towards other you can say that you are at your best ever right now. Sure a few months ago it looked a little more refined and you were leaning into engaging with an objective. You know now what can be achieved and really what the watch out for when leaning. Because it occurs like an immediate resistance which puts me into an isolation mode where I retract my reach very quickly and abruptly. Each time to it seems that it is to passively send out a call for help, and wait around for anyone to notice your cryptic cries. They aren’t really cries, just low inaudible whispers of worry. Oh how I would love to just not worry so much. Take it easy, but challenge yourself to act upon reaction to stimuli rather than allow your inner dialogue to chime in immediately and dictate the way that you get to be in the world. It is like a filter, stuff comes in, real stuff, stuff that happens outside of you, and you have immediate knee jerk intuitive reaction towards what ever it is. However the amount of time between the instinct reaction and the filtered interpretation varies but usually if you aren’t very aware of where you are currently at in your ways of being then the filter negates the instinct in the moment and there becomes no difference between real outside world and perception. This is where we fuck up constantly. Even thinking about this has me really feeling into where I am at. Currently I am being somewhat aloof or arrogant by sitting outside of this storehouse with a laptop typing. This little itch of anxiety is pulling at me causing me to be kind of tense and defensive about what I am doing. Feeling some wrongness, kind of an embarrassment, especially when a neighbor just walked out. She smiled, so that actually made me feel better. I feel like I just dug somewhere that made sense. Its the law of attraction, if you’re being crabby and resistant the universe will give you crabby and resistant. When you are free and open, the universe gives you that. I want to be free, open, loving, caring, joyous, playful, courageous, committed, determined, and understanding. You are killing it and it’s time you fully integrate you greatness to match the level that you are actually at. Which being that real about it can no doubt give you access to a vision of a better/greater self. Start where you are at. Outside of the stories you tell yourself you are actually really great. Love you! 759 7:53am
I changed it up today. I wrote in the notebook first. I had an urge to draw out some kind of plan. I ended up listing a few wants. It ended with a thought about how there is a pervasive idea in your psyche about a nearing apocalypse. I am getting a little worried just thinking about it. The apocalypse I imagine isn’t some biblical climax to humanity. More like this place where it just all ends. The framework for how I imagined life to work looks like a plateau with a drop off. It just always occurred to me like the subject (as in me, or any human) is *supposed to get to a place and then it all *works out like it should and then you get to leave. I am finding that is not the case. You spent the better part of your twenties just waiting for things to change. Yup that is what happened, great, is this just going to be some long stream of this same conversation about how there was this thing that you found important but you didn’t do this or weren’t enough at and now that thing has passed you by. But really everything is still just waiting for you to commit to a life worth living and be more playful about it. The seriousness for which you take all the things must be lessened. Like i feel that somewhere I took that last sentence personally. Seriously lighten up. The end is not near. What if the end meant you were actually needed and wanted in a meaningful way. That is the problem wit’cha. You’re imagining the end as some kind of final judgement. Maybe even some harsh uncovering of apparent sins you have perpetrated. Stop it! The point I wanted to make about all of this is that there is no end to come unless you step into your power. The universe knows you are basically weak right now and if it were to test you, you would crumble. Thats an exaggeration but it is also a function of getting what you give. I feel like I am bargaining, like if I keep my actions as neutral as possible with occasional acts of selfless contribution I should be alright on freak things from happening. Do freak things actually happen? Yes, yes they do and you have witnessed it happen. Which is a weird and worrisome thought that there are things outside of your control. But like was I put here to do my best to avoid these hiccups? or am I here to interact fully with the situation and gain from it what I can? I wrote over three years ago that my mind is weak. I do generally feel stronger, great story, riveting. What is the fucking point of this? To continue a practice that has no structure so you continue to choose poor grammar and wording over producing something actually worth reading. There is that weird pull in both directions. Does one write only to have it be read? Why else would you write? I guess if it is something you generally enjoy and feel like it brings you something that you wouldn’t get otherwise then sure thats a reason to do a thing. But like at a certain point presenting your stuff to someone would more than likely give you a better perspective into what the fuck it is you are doing here and what about it actually makes you feel like something meaningful is happening. When the thoughts of words translate directly into the words being typed on the computer is kind of a magical feeling. Like I can do anything. I can write anything, I can make up anything, and guess what? It doesn’t matter because no one has to read it. What about a story about Spencer. Dang, I immediately got a cringe of worry. Back to the first topic of this apparent end that I imagine. Even making up a story rings a little excitement in the mechanisms that keep me “safe” that are actually holding me back. Then this apparent end that I fear is actually a voice in my ear from another entity about how “it” is going to perish if you go along with another way of being. The crazy part is that you listen to and generally believe this thing… You really do think it’s “you” that is scared. However you know that you are very capable of being courageous in the face of what you fear. You are knower, you know what to do. Doing it is the work. Being is the conduit for transformation. Share! 777 6:51am
I’m late. So many could have, should have, because conversations are arising in my mind. I was far away from myself last evening. Still an excuse trying to justify letting my phone die, not setting the alarms, and being too distracted watching David Blaine on Joe Rogans podcast. Are you going to hold it against yourself now? Like everything you could possibly do right today has already been foiled by a minor mistake from last night? This really is how the human condition navigates life. You are putting yourself down for things that you don’t even remember. Imagine if I could write faster, then I wouldn’t even be worried about waking up late and not quite having enough time to get this done. What is the point again? Practice? You realized yesterday that playing isn’t practicing. You are as good as you have ever been at playing Chris’ song but you play it sloppy so you get sloppy results. Enough of this degrading bullshit. I am fortune as fuck to have this opportunity. You are friendly, kind, and caring. You are admirable for all these things, just because you have been spinning around your same old circles doesn’t mean you get to disregard what you really are. When I was writing last night I was realizing how much my “ego” has stopped me from sharing myself. Everything is to protect this “not looking bad” entity that has full power and control all the time that you are not super aware of what you are consciously doing. That thing must be showed who’s boss. I am the fucking boss, I am too also a boss so it works twice. No but seriously David Blaine made me want to do an extended fast. At least a week. Fuck he went 44 days… I would love to do two weeks. Also would love to do detoxifying protocols during fasting to rid myself of the sugary monsters that add another level of overly protective self preservation. This entity is a community of millions and billions of bacteria. Protecting itself, preserving its integrity to a point of maximum expansion is in direct relationship with the amount of sugary bullshit I consume. So being without it is dangerous and will inevitably cause death and destruction for the colony. “They” “it” may not want it but you do, and you have power, control, and dominion over all things that involve you. Gotta go and come back…6:18am
Back, it’s 8:57am, I really wanted to put this off even longer but any more time staring at my phone or checking the fridge and cabinets for some mystery that wasn’t there before will cause me to fall deeper and deeper into this pull towards nothingness, its like this sentence, it’s long, not productive, not really anything but time spent on something that may be a thing but raises the question was it time well spent? Do question marks always end sentences, do capitol letters always start them? I should take a writing class, I should buy a boat, I could should probably can do just bout anything I put my worried little mind to, not little like in actual size, or even little as in shallow or not very well thought out, fuck I drifted on that one far far far away and that was where it will go. Fine since there is another thought I will finish that sentence. Topics, data, reasons why it all correlates is what you should be doing. Like what of you worked on a whole thing about what you have been circling around which is “the lesser of two evils is still evil”. apparently it’s a Jerry Garcia quote. It would be funny to make quotes that people didn’t say. Or do the thing that has only been a thought until now about making memes of “quotes” but really lyrics of musical people, enlightened ass shit like, “if it makes you happy, it cant be that bad, if it makes you happy, then why are you so sad” -socrates. Fuck ok the internet wasn’t working then I just spent way too much time staring at craigslist housing rental postings. I really want to get out of here. That should be where all you energy and effort is heading. I want to choose to be in the perfect spot. I think about the lack of stability in the house I live in currently. It feels so shaky and it was proven to me early on when the neighbor knocked on my door to make sure I wasn’t being attacked because my friends were wrestling in the kitchen, hmm, I’m having deja vu… But yea it would be so legit to have a place with solid fucking floors, it irks the fuck out of me that the house is so bouncy. The vibrations of my feet at the back of the house feel like I am shaking the whole house and I wouldn’t be surprised if you could feel them from the front and im not putting in nearly any effort so like a jump or a fall is gonna put me through the floor. Whatever. Just move, love you bye! 864 9:32am
This is most likely going to turn into a stream of complaints because I don’t feel like doing this right now. I have been neglecting myself. It feels like I am separate. This feeling sucks. How it plays out is distraction and consumption. Every time I feel a little out of whack or uneasy I immediately reach for the distraction. Hitting up a friend, hitting up my phone, hitting up food, something to keep me from having to really deal with myself. Outside of this practice of writing and unloading all this bullshit into a medium I am not been with myself. I have spent little to no time reflecting, reading, meditating, doing something actually kind for myself. All I end up doing are things that fill a void in a moment because you refuse to plan anything out. You have had your sight on the importance of planning and goal setting for over two years. You know it is what you need to gain deeper access into your power, yet you put it off. The cycle is so fucked, you want to change, but you don’t plan for change. Stop it! It’s so annoying to then make myself wrong for “not” doing these things. Which in turn makes me feel less powerful and totally incapable of doing the thing I know to do. That is what is so insidious about it all is that you berate yourself over not doing anything. You claim to know what to do. Then you end up doing nothing due to a myriad of reasons which I hope to dig into today. Then the result is more of the same ordinary human bullshit. I just keep on waiting around like someone is going to do it for me. It runs so deep because I have been in these patterns for most of my life. It hasn’t been until recent times that I have found myself able to trick myself into new habits and out of old ones. But the old ones come back, over and over. Some of these habits I developed not so long ago and I do believe they can be overcome. I know it will take new habits and commitment to yourself. What I also know is that when you judge your own worth and value it tend to be very low on whatever scale you are using for measurement. That too is a fucked framework for how I place some kind of measurement judgement on myself. Like I am really low on this scale because I have been spending too much time away from myself. Actually thats more of a result of the underlying judgement of how the value you have for yourself is playing out causing you to be stuck in an act. The judgement is based in unresolved issues from childhood that I have made uber meaningful. I keep wanting to pinpoint the thing/things that lead me here. I want to define the condition in which I have developed to cope with what I felt like I lacked at a time when I was too young to understand things. At least I am aware now, kind of. I am constantly back and forth with where I intend to put my energy. Should I dig deeper into my psyche attempting to uncover some hidden truth about the way I process things? Or should I use what I know about how I work and plan to make changes? Its like one sentence Im like yea there seem to be a deep empty feeling of sorrow attached to my worth and adequacy. And the next is like let’s create some affirmations and plans to get you out of the patterns that keep you so locked in a room. A lot of the bedrock meaning for me stems from an experience where I was stuck waiting. I know I was the one that created all the meaning around it. But the feeling of deep rooted actual fear and terror rise up when thinking about the experience. Its where a lot of waiting for the authority to guide me comes from. I am still there waiting for the authority to come back and tell me which way to go. But they never come back and I am left with feelings of abandonment, which I immediately turn inward into feelings of being at such a low worth that I am able to be abandoned so easily. I keep wanting to put it back on myself and take some kind of responsibility, no, you were too young, you cannot take any responsibility for being some way at a very young age. You now can take responsibility on how it plays out currently. But the experience is at the fault of unfortunate circumstances, thats about it. The thing I uncovered today is that the feeling of low value stemming from not only being so easily abandoned, also not being worthy of valuable enough to come back for. I feel like I’m still waiting. There, you did it, you identified a feeling related with patterns and behaviors. Now what? 853 6:44am
Here we are again. All caught up now. Yesterday was the day before and the day before that was the previous. Can we stop justifying tyranny? Like if just because you hate yourself and your life because thats what you have been taught to do doesn’t mean you can keep spreading false information to justify your own masochist tendencies. It’s like you’re justifying the pain, like you are actually supposed to be experiencing the pain. You normalize pain because that is what you were thrown into and what everyone else seems to be doing. We truly are all to blame too. You spout off about what you think is true and a bunch of weak minded and weak willed people around believe it because they themselves may not use masks for torture. The torture could be anything, but the result is feeling less than. So when you talk about shit the others that feel so bad about themselves listen and think that since you have some confidence about what you are saying it must be true. Definitely truer than anything they could find to be true because they are so caught up with unstable emotional states that keep them from knowing what is really true to themselves. We need to be having conversation based in wonder not falseness. It’s just a mask is so detrimental to the health of all the humans in the world. Thats the stuff that is literally right in our face. The other stuff we comply with is so sneaky and behind everything that the conversation barely comes up. However the ones talking about it as if it is just some thing that we just have to except now have to be stopped. Like for example everything being connected to google, Facebook, and apple. Shit I have the conversation with myself all the time about how normalized the total obstruction my personal privacy and information has become and how I justify it to myself because of the luxury of the thing itself. Which gets into scarier and scarier territory real quick. Like what if there was mandatory compliance with having the phone, or some tracking device on your person at all times. How easy would it be especially with some spun ass narrative like its to keep you safe and make sure you’re still alive and well. The conversations would just be like “its just a tracking device, and so what if it needs me to put in all my personal private information, and yea sure checking in every hour is annoying because if you don’t do it the automated service calls and makes sure you are alive, and this one time I fell asleep and the automated service actually sent tracking drones to all of my last known locations and it found me and woke me up to get me to turn off the alarm for the tracking system, like sure that was kind of annoying but like we all have to do it to feel safe.”
Blazing through these words today. Ever since I decided to publish these ramblings I have become way more choice with words. Which also leads me to stop. Rather than just continue writing sentences like this one where I am just getting real meta about the act of doing this typing thing turning letters on a keyboard into words and sentence that attempt to make some sense. Even further the words can be arranged in sentences and “make sense” but without any context there is little or no information to grasp. What this is and most if not all of my writing has been is a commentary on myself, the stuff I perceive, and probably more than anything a constant meta analysis on what I am commenting on and perceiving. Seemingly a constant consideration of your thoughts, feelings, actions and how they play out to give you the place where you are at currently. Also there is this hope that in between these fast moving sentences of seemingly arbitrary confusion I create a kind of rhythm, timbre, or prose that I can continue to adapt and turn into something that is not just uniquely me it is palatable by others because it is just such a free expression of the human condition. This is deep down the thing I want to be in action about, yet it always escapes my conscious activities plus it is a weird place to be constantly, but I feel most alive diving into the intricate ways in which human interact with reality. Yet… I haven’t done the kind of studying necessary to get a deeper understanding of what other have thought about this kid of stuff before… I did well, it took all the way to down here to do one of those things. You say something that you want to do or would be a cool idea or topic, then you immediately slam yourself for not doing anything, theres always a but, yet, or however after the thing that you actually are interested about, then you immediately bring yourself down about it, and instead of feeling inspired to achieve you feel lack because you haven’t already, even more so all the time you haven’t been spending doing the things comes into question and judgment by your inner monologue and you get to feel even worse. Like look at all the time you had to do all the things. That whole time plus all the the current and future time is a lot of time and the more time the more wrong you are for not doing what actually excites you. It’s like you are analyzing the judgmental stories with the judge that creates the judgmental stories. It’s such a wild cyclical experience. All you really gotta do is pray on some “I am not any of this”. I am not my mind, body, spirit, soul, nothing. I am not I. Just is. As is. Is still has I in it. Hmm. All love one, one love all. 1003 6:01am
Something about writing out todays date as a bold title to the top of this concoction of word soup gives me a sense of knowing when and where I am at and best get it out of the way first thing in the morning because you are way more open to just doing things without all the sugar in your way. Sugar really is the killer , and I have come to this conclusion time and time again. All the bad kinds of sugars too like the ones ya dan’t realize you are ingesting like in breads and alcohol. That stuff just turns into body fat immediately when held in excess. The urge to consume things such as pizza, or hoagies, or fast food has become tooo deeply woven into the needs systems of your body. Probably through abundances of the billions of micro bacteria living and dying just to get a chance to feast on all the pizza they can get. What happens when the supply runs out? The microbes tell your body they are helping it out by consuming the pizza then in turn the community demands more pizza to help out getting rid of. We end up sorta helping each other out, how about mico? that can be the microbes communities name. Mico loves pizza and uses it to generate energy to consume more pizza. It plays out like, the human that mico exists inside but kinda outside in consumes some pizza and mico get to consume it too. Mico multiplies exponentially while the pizza is still around. Yo then there is another “culture” that lives to eat kale. Now we got an epic battle of microbial proportions! The mico community and all other powerful microbe communities have an ability to hack into the human and drive them towards more of what they thrive off of. They become one of many wants and needs being hurled at an overloaded decision making center. Hurled? Maybe, but for real writing and thinking about it as if to make something up a story or what not is so taxing. Just a couple sentences that circle a central idea just took a while. It’s really just the speed. You want to be able to do it faster but you are just first learning so you’re going be kinda slow and sucky… Thats what you do when you are starting, but the ego won’t let that happen. I was having the thoughts about the gut cultures having some epic battle fighting for territory and control over the human. There are two main teams that have been forced to coexist. A culture that prefers pizza and cake, and a culture that prefers fruits and vegetables. There are many other cultures around that contribute to both or either culture. I blanked for too long thinking bout this story. I’m kind of over it already, kind of not. This is the problem, making the decision and following through. You are smart enough to know that it has to do with the amount of options you present yourself and the lack in willpower due to whatever excuses are there for you. You also know that by making a decision to complete something you limit the amount of options by making anything else less important. So do it, make a plan, where do you want to be in a year? five? twenty? I know there are infinite amounts of options but you really have to just choose something and go for it. Ok! I choose wizard! Twenty year plan to become a wizard by 52 let’s get this. The number one thing I should focus on as a young person is physical health, which includes mental health, which I would assume includes magical health as well. They all work with each other. What other first steps would you have to take to be a wizard? Maybe I should read Harry Potter? Pushing the limits of your nervous system through not only exercise but acts of physicalness, and will power. Escape from certain death like some theatrical magician. Then doubt kicks in almost immediately. Yes I am going to be a wizard I say! Wellll this other voice chimes in and says do you really really want that? That sounds pretty tough, and you might not even like it when you get there, and it would sure be a big old waste of time to want to do something and then find out once you are doing it you don’t really like it so much. That “voice” pattern, habit, flows out so sure of it’s unsureness. “It” definitely has ulterior motives. “It” is getting something out of keeping you away that from which you might put you in a situation where “it” has to compromise. “It” never wants to compromise safety… 789 6:19am
I want to at least start something here because I already did a bunch of writing today in the day previous because yesterday morning I was writing for the day before. Its a whole thing. At least if I care enough to put down 750 today I can continue my writing streak. Its wild that it has been over three months. The thing that is messed up about this practice is you have not yet found any interest in reading, reviewing, and possibly editing the content you are spewing out into something a little more polished. You could spend hours sifting through all the stuff you ramble about and probably find enough stuff to create something profound. Fuck, I’m in a mood today, it is really to be expected at this point. You are not treating yourself kindly. You are constantly kidding yourself over what you are doing. What does that even mean? Not sure, I was thinking about eating when that came out. How it is a kind thing to do to feed yourself good food, but at what point is it too much, why don’t you care? What makes pushing the limit of food ingestion so appealing? It actually is beyond the ingestion it comes from the feeling of being full. Like if full is good then comatose is better. Its the ultimate comfort, you don’t have to think, move, do anything, you just get to sink into the couch. I don’t even own a couch anymore because I know my habits of laying around run deep. It just occurred to me some memories had forgotten about. A few years ago when I lived at S Davis upstairs my nickname was “dad” because how regularly I was falling asleep on the couch. It was daily life for years to go to work, come home, drink beers smoke weed eat pizza, that was it, for months. Kind of forgot about how the time period primed me for what I am actively trying to get over. Even into the time when you lived downstairs, all you did was work, drink, smoke, eat, pass out, repeat. In contrast to how much stuff you have done over the past few years and how you have really cleaned up your diet you are actually do substantially better and you really aren’t integrating that. Every time you get all down on yourself like its the end of the world because you have a ravenous desire to eat everything, you focus on it somehow being the biggest failure ever know to fricken man and lose all confidence in yourself in being successful in any and all aspects. Just because you have some bad habits and patterns that again you would rather blame yourself, the pattern, the world instead of identifying it working towards doing something about it. Like you have the choice, you make the decisions. So what if you ate way to much and now you feel like shit? Does that have to immediately be a reflection of how much confidence you allow yourself to have in your expression of love and truth within yourself. You are creating distrust. You know that you are loving, compassionate, intelligent, and all kind of good stuff. Yet you choose to pretend like you are inadequate because of playing into habit. You aren’t inadequate you’re normal. You are selling yourself short and not really getting where you are at. You may not see it, but the habits and patterns are not out of inadequacy or lack. They actually appear because a boredom in abundance, an abuse of abundance. You really are using it to confuse yourself about what you are all about and capable of. The old scripts are running the show while the current version of you scrambles around feeling ba because they haven’t figured it out yet. As if there is something to be figured out. Whatever. Alls this really comes down to is where? what?when? and how? Man that is a confronting conversation I just brought up. In moments after writing that and thinking about it all kinds of reasons and resistances, rejections popped up. When? Not possibly now, tomorrow, ill want to do the things tomorrow. Where? Here, I guess, I don’t know, can I give you a definite answer tomorrow after I think about it? So much resistance… You really don’t want it. Thats the other thoughts that come up too is that faced with an ugly situation that I don’t want to actively deal with but feel pressured to act in. I will contemplate doing the worst thing I can possibly do just to get back at this life, and the world I’ve been thrown into. This hopeless, fuck the world, fuck everything bullshit is so weak, like you stand for nothing. You stand for senselessness, illogical chaos that brings with it nothing but misery. Why? Because you were hurt as a child? Show the world that is not the way to be. You are aware of it so you are responsible for it, thats kinda it, dang I wrote a lot today…850 7:23am
Starting this now for a few words but I have work at eight so I have to come back. I want to talk about breath, compassion, joy, meaningfulness, yea all that funky stuff. Love you have a great day at work!
It is now August 15th 2020 at 5:17am on a Saturday, I never came back yesterday. I had a lot of time, but I spent all that time eating. Not really capable of doing anything but rambling and talking shit. I was thinking of a topic or some way to start the aforementioned intentions of the the previous paragraph. How about simple shit like breathing is good for you, your cells need it to burn stuff. You can control anything in your body if you can control your breath. You wold think that. Maybe its because I am writing for yesterday today that I have a sense of not giving a fuck, wanting to throw it all away, perceive this as a failure get down on myself for fucking up my shit. There was a time, a very young time. Good young old times I had when I was a wee little chap. The one time has become memory mixed in with dream, but from what I remember actually happening I had a really messy room, and my mom yelled at me to clean it. So did I do? I trashed the place even more to “show her” some shit. Except you missed the actual consequence that now YOUR room is wrecked. That memory in physical time is either at the house in ne philly or at the apartments in Haddonfield. It ha to be the castor ave stop, because I have a slight memory of the room at the apartments. The memory of the room from the memory is hazy but not the one from the apartments. Other than that a memory of my room from the castor ave house just isn’t there. Thats what makes it feel like a dream. The one point of reference is a playskool basketball hoop. I remember that being in the room more that the room itself. I remember that thing had a base that I stuffed a bunch of trash and balloons from my dads 30th birthday party in. Eeek that feeling of being late or running out of time isn’t all that present until moments like this when I realize even my dad was married with a five year old by the time he was my age. Maybe thats why I feel so fucked up, because if I had a kid at 27 that kid would probably be a bit of a mess due to that first period of time that I try to get my shit together. Those first couple years are crucial. I don’t know what the fuck happened but it happened then. I painted the picture of how the world worked and followed my interpretation like a map. I always want it to be some thing I can point to. Some precise moment that changed all habits up until that point. Except in this case I really cant remember what was really going on. When I was like three, when I have some of these first memories shits all dark? Why? All of these first memories are like small tales of misery. Being left locked in the bathroom, mom screaming at me over a cash test dummies toy, nail in my knee, pooping in a playskool toilet, mentally disabled guy throwing sticks. Eh maybe thats just what you focus on, because more that I think about it the more minor insignificant memories are there as well they just don’t mean as much so they aren’t categorized as important, but they are memories none the less that aren’t all dark. I guess what I’m calling out for is some memory of joy. I know that it definitely happened I just cant remember. Maybe it was a later formulated memory of the youngest years that only focused on the “wrong” and “bad” stuff that is why that is mostly the stuff I can remember. What the fuck happened? You continually get to this point. Again trying to find that one thing to point at and prove that was the thing or moment that caused things to be this way. Well I’m gong to have to let you down here and say that what you are searching for may never be found. If you call what you are doing “searching or seeking” for what seems to be missing then you my friend are going to have a long lonesome road ahead of you. Because to me what it looks like you are doing is kind of the exact opposite of seeking some bedrock truth about “what happened” to you that cause you to be so “fucked up.” You really believe that don’t you? That you are somehow “fucked up” meaning incomplete, imperfect, broke… Maybe its the eyesight thing? There it is you found it can we move on. Get you big fat pointer finger and point to your eyesight. Thats too much responsibility for me to be taking right now about the three year old version of me. I’m going to say that it isn’t necessarily my parents “fault” any of this. But I sure as fuck am not taking blame, fault, or responsibility for my perceptions and actions as a three year old thrown into this fucked up world. Cool, now what? Thats kind of always the place you eventually get to. Try to not take responsibility for stuff before like 8-10 but then also realize that you now are responsible for a guy who has childhood trauma that I continually want to play off or play down because in comparison it doesn’t seem that bad. But still is some source of misery and despair. Other people were there, other people manipulated this thing you were thrown into. Other people manipulated you and you aren’t happy about it. So it is up to you now to clean it up, clear it out and move forward with a life of maturity because you are destroying all of what is unknown and potent infant of you with a grudge towards the people and this world that you perceive has wrong you in some way. Not fair, shouldn’t be this way, BUT, NO, wah! All I can do is wonder, wonder without attachment to gaining some other thing to point at, that expectation has to go away. Wonder what I can do today, this week, month, year to support myself, all. of myself, especially that child that is so eager to love and learn. That is true, you know that is true, you are curious, and you see things from different perspectives then what is generally presented to you so you are kind of destined to be conflicted. Its neither good nor bad, its a path and you are on it. Just remember that you always have a choice…6:06am 1164
Every day since May I have gotten on here and written something. Mostly nonsense, but there are some gems in there. I now have to go through the seemingly odd task of going back taking notes and picking from the abundance tree of words. I have cumulatively written all the words I ever need to or will again, just in different combinations. I was reading some of the stuff I was writing during the forum and advanced courses three years ago and It really sucked and didn’t make a whole lot of practical sense. Still kind of struggle with that. I couldn’t remember this good quote the course leader at the advanced course said. I didn’t even know I wrote it down but I did, it is “yesterdays transformation is todays ego trip”. That shit slaps… it bangs hard, it is on point, hits the nail. SO what are you going to do? Keep telling the story of how you were there and now you are here. Or are you going to commit yourself towards growth and development and actively create the story that which you are living in, and comment on the experience with story to explain what its like to experience things the way you do as someone striving to become something else. The phase where you suck and complain all the time is the part that no one gets to see, no one want to see or believe that things are going to be really tough especially if you are considering making a measurable change in some aspect of life. Ugh that was a pretty good short thought I have to go open produce at 6:30 so I gotta cut outta here and get on intu getting ready. Love you bye 6:04am
It is now 6:52am the next day 8/14/20 and I have some intention of finishing this draft but still. Yesterday was the first time you didn’t hit 750. I feel as if I have fallen off from any momentum I did have. What a great time to just finish this one up and move on as if it didn’t even matter all that much. Because guess what? It didn’t matter all that much. You can continue to act like every little thing you aren’t doing that you feel you should ought to be is some reflection or judgement about who you are and what you are capable of. We have witnessed how tough you can be on yourself and the lack of movement that creates hen faced with this minor inconsistencies before. This really is going through it. You know why to its because insecurity around making a decision. Thats it, its simple but the Bain of your existence. Its way to serious, you can make a decision and change it, thats better than never choosing in the first place. Choose something for fucks sake, thats the game, that all you have to do and you know how to do that. If someone hired you to make decisions for them you could do it easily. I would do it fucking well. Like if I could somehow hire myself and disconnect from the ego trippin narcissistic tendencies that keep me wrapped up in my own self sabotage. Then I might stop self sabotaging and actually work towards a meaningful cause, imagine that? Imagine if your meaningful cause was intugenius, something that Spencer generated or was given who knows and this entity is hiring for someone to create their brand. The one thing I would ask if I was being hired to do this is what do you do? what do you sell? Which your answer would be some long winded explanation that concludes that I know what I am talking about in the sense that I know that I am talking about things that aren’t real and don’t make a ton of sense when explained outside of context, so I know I am talking about nonsense, which is still nonsense even if I am not directly expressing the nonsense. Eh perception is funky, nonsense for some is perfect sense for others so lighten up. Your direction is yet to happen because worry around making decisions, yes, back to that things. The biggest thing keeping you and this project apart. The reason, fuck it doesn’t have to be a reason but it does because it would immediately be a reason if you had one. Some reasons just don’t seem worth it more so, like if I were to set a goal of losing 10lbs the reason of being 10lbs lighter isn’t motivation enough to keep me wanting to do the things. Fuck, unless it was set up personally, it worked for you, dang I have to go to work but good shit today you finished yesterday, start today complete, full of joy, gratitude, and compassion, I love you, have a wonderful day!812 7:13am
Today has been a little rough so far. Hit the snooze until about five. Last night I worked a short two to eight shift at work. When I got home I played guitar sitting on the edge of the bed for a bit. After I was done I laid back and dozed off for a while. I woke up over an hour later because the light was on. I ate more banana bread turned the light off and went to sleep. Eating too later will leave you feeling like crap ever time. I want to experience the consequence of a decision and not make myself wrong about it. The consequence is bad enough. No use kicking yourself when you’re down. I luckily have hope or something going on today. The counter to eating carbs making you feel icky is that they do provide energy. So they hope could be carb driven while also bringing on feels of sickness soreness and disorientation. Balance! Mediation ? I don’t think so, this story is boring moving on because I am blanking constantly wondering why I am even writing the things I write down, to consistently fall into a run on sentence of a thought put into words through your fingers? Is that the only reason you get up super early just to be able to feel some sort of creative flow of some sort? That would make some sense because I have felt in tases fleeting moments of peace in flowing through the mornings. This practice is opening up something.
The thing I was thinking about right before I began was that when I started my fantastical wellness voyage. I wrote a lot of “intuitive genius” stuff down in a little book. I am looking through it to find the secret, what is the angle? Then it dawned on me that maybe one reason you have been seemingly struggling recently is because you are not writing fanatical words down. Since you aren’t surrounding yourself with constant reminders of your word and your commitment to it. Commitment comes into question. This leaves you questioning yourself, what you believe, and leaves you distrusting yourself. This distrustingness flows into all other aspects of life. It isn’t important to know exactly what you are going to do but doing something towards something with some kind of measurable trajectory is the sure fire way to getcha moving in the right direction.
Taking a long time to get this one out today, still thinking too much about it like, does anyone even have access to this no. Will anyone go back and read the posts? I don’t think so? Can some kind of artificial intelligence read and interpret all of this? Probably at this point. But yea still very much hesitant to write in more open style because of the fear of judgement about how it looks like or comes out. But I like to do it. Here it goes with the lightest words. My ethereal presence representing the peasants peacocking the masses with superconductive compassion. That wasn’t so bad… huh ok lets just let it roll now. I have no time left I will have to com back after running and get the rest done. 6:17am
9:06am Back, almost forgot, had to lie on the floor for a while, yup I fucked up gotta come back again
8/13/20 – 5:43am Yup, I put it off all day yesterday. I am a chronic procrastinator. It probably gives me more joy putting something off then actually accomplishing it because you aren’t giving yourself enough credit for accomplishing things so anything you do seems less meaningful then it could. Th silliest thing you continue to put in your way is some totally false story about how “this” is ever going to go away or like how you’ll figure out some way to mediate or treat it without actually dealing with anything, and by that time nothing will matter. Jennifer said that ego trippin bullshit doesn’t stop until like 55, thats only 23 more years, dang thats a lot of time, and then again it isn’t. What the fuck do you want to be doing at 55? Be a leader in an progressive artistic psychedelic community. If you can imagine it you can create it. This is where I typically stop myself, I have the great idea then I want to shit on it and explain how it won’t work or just change the subject all together. It’s annoying behavior. The actual progression of my writing my journey, my life would actually be interesting enough to watch for someone wanting to do the same. Fucking finally done.769 5:52am