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August 31st 2020 Monday 7:24am

Hey hey whats up guys? How are ya’ll feeling tonight alright woo! Yea, I’m pumped I’m fired up lets get this thing lit, light it up and it’ll be lit my conquistador. Ok so all that silliness aside I’m here to talk about bugs. Specifically flys. We have all heard by now that there is a movement to get the word out about birds not being real. It is completely absurd because if you have any bit of substance within your skull you know that birds are obviously not real. The designs all flawed and the movements are way too mechanical. How I know birds are fake was a while ago I was just hangin out, chillaxin’ and all of a sudden I heard a loud thud from upstairs. No one else was home, what the hell could it be? I checked around inside, no sign of disturbance. I walked around back and saw a bird laying on the ground a few feet from the back of the house. It flew right into the side of the house. It must have lost radio signal or the receiver unit malfunctioned. The thing was laying on the ground beeping and sparking everywhere. A tiny electrical fire had started, burnt wires and metal pistons penetrating the skin like covering. I thought wow someone just fucking destroyed their toy bird plane thing. I went back inside and grabbed a big cup of water poured it over the smoldering machine and took a walk around the block expecting to see someone with one of those big goofy fucking radio controllers jawns with the two joysticks. I figured I would find some guy who lost view of his bird plane and I would have to let him know it crashed into my house and it had been destroyed. I walked around for twenty minutes or so and found no sign of anyone flying toy bird planes. As I was walking back up to the house I saw a UPS truck driving away. I went to the backyard to see if the bird machine had cooled down enough to examine but to my surprise it was gone. That was the moment I knew that the UPS driver was actually part of a covert operation to coverup the fact that birds aren’t real. That was over fifteen years ago, so I have been woke to the whole thing long before the internet caught on. Surprised that more instances of like what happened to me aren’t captured more often. I guess the technology wasn’t as great back then. Plus no one had the photo and video capabilities that we have now with modern phones. Because if I had had the phone I have today then I would have definitely taken a picture or video before I left to try and find the driver of the bird plane. Thats really neither here nor their, what is here right now is a opening, an offering of truth about how birds have never been real and the technology used to create mechanical birds has been shrunk and used to create mechanical flies. The purpose of course is to create a global surveillance system that is totally hidden from everyone. The second deeper level is once an individual is fully surveyed then the brainwashing begins. “They” use flies wing flapping frequencies to transmit propaganda. The government started doing this with airplanes. During the war scientist learned that if they ran engines at a certain frequency they could be picked up by peoples minds nearby. So they used a radio spewing propaganda running through the engine frequency to transmit signals directly into peoples minds. It worked so well some cities were taken not by violence and bombing, some cities they signal caused everyone to either kill themselves or each other. Then the city was bombed to make it look like they were all killed in the bombings. The signal getting straight into someones psyche had over a 50% success rate. But they wanted that percentage to go up. They studied and found that the community most affected were those communities with a diet composed of primarily grain as apposed to communities with diets that had less grain. The decision was made to control peoples diets by telling them what is the optimal variety of food to eat. From my basic understanding it seems that the masters of puppets developed the best diet for people to more easily be controlled then told everyone that was the optimal way to eat, everyone listened and the success of being able to control people went from 50% to 100% likelihood of control if ever ingested an intelligent grain particle that was also created by the masters, but thats for another time. Everything that you think is real is only because they let you think it was real. 806 8:13am

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August 30th 2020 Sunday 9:37am

Who is that you want to be? Do you want to be this dude who is constantly wanting more from himself not know where or how to get it? Or would you rather be in the process of becoming the person who is able to do all the things that he wants to do by already having the new way of being alive within me. It is one thing to play word games to explain your identity to yourself. It’s another to share your shit with others so they can either actively or passively hold you to things. Since even if they aren’t going to actively hold you to something if you let them know and talk about it enough it will make it more real. It is important that if you want to be about it then you gotta be the fuck about it. Get over yourself just a little bit every day. Hah. Yea ok. Look like you know the basics of the structure of something that could work for you. What is pride? What are you proud of? You look around and you highlight all the stuff you aren’t proud of without even considering that you aren’t seeing all the the other shit. This is going nowhere. If you really want to do this this time, or more so from now on you gotta get that “this time” lingo out of your head and be honest, complete, and truthful about what it is that you want to become. Admitting first that I have allowed myself to devolve into a perceived downward spiral of worry, anxiety, depression, and low vibing emotional bullshit. Now you find yourself in a place where you feel like you were building and growing something then pretty much around mid covid you started fucking up on all the caring stuff you were doing. You started some habits but continued to use will rather than developing a clearer objective, goal, path to really nail down why you are doing the things. I don’t want that question to be the dead of me… Sleep is such a big one because now that I’ve been fucking off for over three months! Fuck my sleep is all fucked up, I slept in today until past 7 thats the latest in a long while. Especially since I had alarms going off since five. I went to sleep late from partying into the evening. I want to be someone who is massively strong, that was the path I was on when I was attending la fitness and I want that to be reintroduced for September…

Welp I never finished yesterday fully, so I am here today Monday morning August 31st at 6:47am to finish this up..My immediate thought is having confidence in your preference. The example I was just pondering on was about Metallica. I fucking love Metallica, however… see there is always a but or a however, something conditional to disempower my choice or preference before I even have a chance to express what I like. I factor in other peoples perceived reactions first then fit whatever I’m saying around how I think they are going to react. Like the way I bring up Metallica usually is under a supposition that no one like Metallica. Here it is again, I fucking love Metallica, and if you knew me would you know that? Probably not, I don’t have any of their merch, I’ve never seen them live, I don’t usually rep them or talk about them in any way to anyone. They are like a dirty secret that I’m not sure when or how I decided that no one likes Metallica and that put on to me that I must be some kind of loser for liking Metallica so much so I should hide my preference. That is a difference between you and others with stronger identities. They are confident in their preferences to a point that since they like something they represent it like it’s the best because they know that they are the best. Odd behavior because it is only some things that are supposed that way, enough to continue a distrusting shakiness that has been around since I was young. I keep wanting to dig into the stories and pick them apart and better understand them so they can be dismantled and recycled. There is this side of freely expressing what you feel is here for you even if it is just a stream of words examining the process of the words going onto the page. I keep thinking how cool it would be to have a typewriter and how much more of a constraint that would put on your typing because theres no quick delete button. I want to be someone who sings, dances, tells stories, and hangs with friends often. A person who does all the forms of art. A person that owns a big rig truck with a stage on the back with an anti gravity device and a Tesla coil that pulls ambient electricity out of the atmosphere and coverts it into energy to be used to power the concerts and anti gravity shows. If I could have any truck it would be a Ken or a Pete real long nose. Black with electric orange, green, pink, purple, and yellow lines all up and around. The trailer would match and have a huge mural of Nikola Tesla on the side holding in his hand a steelie that was exploding into an irradiated plasma. Ok I have more to write for todays actual page maybe I’ll keep this idea up, maybe not, either way I should draw this idea, love you bye! 948 7:12am

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August 29th 2020 5:30am Saturday

The old Saturnian fixed immovable energy has been being expressed for too long. The resistance towards acting upon the things that are needed and wanted most must come to an end. The worry that if I begin to parade my opinion I the street it will immediately be met with opposition and criticism. The made up scenarios become the basis for the decision making and there is no movement. Again, little more eloquent but like you view yourself in the lack, immovable, and resistant. Regardless of how true they may be to you there are so many other things to highlight and build off of. Like I actually got up before five, I read a little, I’m here making this happen to the best I got for the time I got. Man how cool will it be to just pump out information, like learn something and twist your perspective on it turn it into something palatable and publish that shit. What if the the whole point to all this meta analysis of meaning along your journey is to get that you are the mother, father, kid, the dragon, the anomaly that pops up throwing you into unknown territory. The measure of who you can be is in direct relationship with past encounters with unknown and how you acted when faced with unknown territory. What do you do? The first thing that was there for me was the one time I got into a fight. I accused someone of stealing a friends bike over myspace. They were not happy about it to the extent that they came over my house with a friend and wanted to resolve it with a fight. I declined because my parents were home and no I wasn’t playing that game. Tension stayed the same for days until the upcoming weekend. If my memory serves me correct It was either right before or after my 17th birthday the end of my junior year in high school. I had never been in much of any physical altercation or conflict up until that point. That was when I first started lifting weight, mostly just doing curls in the weight room at school. This is a tangent and hopefully I bring it back but I just had a memory of being in the weight room and there was a girl there who I have known since elementary school. In this moment I can still feel the tension, anxiety, guilt, energy movement? The thoughts were that its not like we didn’t like each other, I just from a certain point didn’t say anything to anyone, even people that could have been caring or understanding, intuitive, relatable, nothing, silence. The tension is still present all over the place even right now, wow. But yea other than my massive apprehension over ever trying to say anything to that particular person throughout all of school is whatever at this point and just a result of consistent “bad” behavior. The behavior that the weight room did first show me the benefit of was that if you lifted the weights you would look nd feel better. At 17 there I was what seemed like finally feeling better than I had since being thrown into the mess of school and interactions and all the shit that you either had or accumulated. Really at that point I was just so full of toxins because of a SAD diet and hormones because puberty and stuff that I was totally disconnected and it seemed to only get worse throughout the next decade. But before the downturn was the height of the feeling curve around that time in June 2005. We were riding bikes around uptown as we had been doing for the better part of five years probably longer. My friend said he’d call the goon squad for backup so the dispute can be settled safely. So many people showed up, quick too. Probably close to a dozen people on my side. We congregated behind the local pizza show near the train station. I told my opponent to meet here. The whole time I was filled with apprehension. It all didn’t seem all that real so running away seemed like a possibility at that point. I contemplated on how to defuse the situation without being involved or at least without confrontation. These were all dreams at that point because with the building number of people there my reputation was now on the line. People came out to see a show. The show looks pretty lame when the guy that sets up the fight runs away. All these thoughts racing in my mind. Luckily I had a friend with me who moved away at a certain point and now I am wondering if I might ever see him again, regardless. He stood with me and it kind of assured me that it wouldn’t be all that bad. We saw two vehicles off in the distance one was a very well recognized bronco belonging to a leader in another crew. My memory is definitely exaggerating but it was like there were people hanging out of the top and sides of both trucks pulling up. Yelling louder and just being all crazy. There was this moment as the trucks were driving up that I was taken back by it all and in that moment I was met with the most absolute fight or flight response I had ever felt. I stepped forward, stood up straight and started down my oncoming opponent. That moment is such a defining moment for my ability to step up into chaos and agree to fight. If only intricate nuances of human interaction were were like that fight. That moment I stepped forward I knew I took complete responsibility for where I was and what I was doing. It was up until that point the one of the most powerful feeling I have ever felt. The fight wasn’t much, I pretty much won. The moment after the fight was the most memorable because everyone ran up to congratulate me and in that moment of adrenaline filled madness I threw up in my mouth a little and got all light headed and everything was slow mo and weird then within moments another fight erupted and everything I had just accomplished had passed and there was a new thing to focus on. Moments after the other fight one lone police officer pulls up and everyone hopes in their car or runs away on foot. I remember casually walking away. I want to be in that energy, that stepping up into the chaos energy. When met with an experience you have never encountered before always choose to fight. 1114 6:29am

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August 28th 2020 Friday 5:55am

I could have been down in sea isle but I was not feeling up for the drive last night. I shall drive down early today and stay the day. I want to tell stories, but I feel like I have got not good ones ya know? Whats up with that? I feel like I have been living my life for the past couple years in a safety zone. Prior I was just doing really dumb shit. All my stories revolve around how much of a mess I was when I was wasted. There is a weird feeling within me about how I deserved such bad times because of less or whatever. That story is so prevalent in all the experience I have. There were moments yesterday when people were passing by me and I became aware that I was playing out this script in the interactions. It plays out everywhere that I feel an inadequacy and with the majority of the people I work with I feel it. So they would pass by and I would have a moment to interact. The immediate. program has me kind of just humming a pathetic “hey” that is basically inaudible because of the mask, maybe turn my body a little or nod my head. I became aware that I was up against a programmed behavior bringing past into present, using a rehearsed script to interact with the world with. I tried to think it out but no actions occurred. Why couldn’t I just say something? Give some kind of friendly gesture? How is one supposed to act in the position you are in? It isn’t enough to just know that you don’t want to be acting the way that you do you need to know what it is you are going to do about it. Anything but the act you currently do. A surprise? Imagine if you had a can of worms. Offer people something, shout out a compliment. Say their name and a compliment. You tend to forget that some people are fishing for compliment all the time. It even happens to me from time to time when someone unsuspecting compliments a shirt or something. Last weekend my two friends were having a conversation. It had something to do with the theory that the reason why my one friend was nodding his head to the high hat in a Zeppelin song was because his pituitary gland is in his neck and that rides at the same high vibration as a high hat and how all the bodies systems correlate to different vibrations, which is pretty spot on from what I tend to believe, however to say that there was some kind of causation between the vibrations in the music matching up with the gland on a respective frequency that possibly caused the reaction of head nodding is saying that something that brings up many other questions as to why and how thats a thing. Regardless of all the nonsense in the actual conversation, my one friend explaining his theory explained to my other friend that since he is a healthy intelligent person with a big brain his pituitary gland is also large and healthy. I don’t think he was being facetious, however I don’t think he was being super sincere. The one thing I definitely don’t know is whether or not he was doing it on purpose to achieve a result or it was kind of subconscious programming to get to the same ends but not consciously dictate what is said to someone. Like maybe he has done that enough times that he has learned that complimenting someone on something seems to make them like you more and gives them a better sense of self and standing in the world. The result was that when I was driving the friend home that had been told his brain and pituitary gland were large was commenting that he never knew that the other friend liked him so much and thought so highly of him. He was shining and gloating thinking very highly about himself as if he really did have abnormally great attributes particularly in the brain and pituitary gland. It didn’t even really matter that the whole thing could be nonsense, they were able to feel goo about themselves based solely from a comment from another. Today was fast and loose and it felt right and I didn’t give as much as a fuck about sentences or any proper bullshit, that can come later when you revise, but this first raw crud on the screen is going to just be what it. See that was a story! A pretty good story, it has a point which is be kind to yourself and others. Praise early and often! Love You! 796 6:34am

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August 27th 2020 Thursday 5:58am

I want to make a sauce, a vegan sauce. I keep thinking about it. The last two nights I cooked carrots, broccoli, and beans. Covering them in butter and salt make them satiating. If I had a nondairy fat sauce to dip or pour over stuff like that I could get off the animal product a little more. Or actually find somewhere that has high quality butter. The narrative controller in my head has already leaned too far towards convincing me that there so many things you have thought about wanted to do, for example getting some local high quality butter, that you refuse or neglect to plan out because of unconscious laziness, then you bring up some judgement about it and what it means to you and how you couldn’t possible move intu another way of being about it. Thats just one small example. The energy it takes to deal with this shit is exhausting. It has to be up to me to figure this out, duh! Only you can figure out what is true to you what you prefer. Starting a project to complete would be sweet. Sweet as day, sweet as morning. But it’s boring, and no ones scoring. The aliveness in your eyes slowly dies as the surprise of missed compromise opens your eyes. Can’t tell if this is one of three. Too many visions of me firkin with not life another side of darkness. To become one with the sun to fulfill the final purpose. Reverse this conception and be set back to the ether. Severe feeling of joy when I see her. There has to be a deeper word for joy. The fullness of a love filled joyous feeling deep within the chest is not summed up with just the word joy. Illustrating this with just words takes some kind of deepness too. What about coincidence? The other day you got a random text that you believed to be coincidence because you thought of the person that morning. In that moment I feel like I know everything. When I am really able to detach from all the material. Get around myself to step out in front of my bullshit this deep happiness sinks within me. It feels like an anchor, like no matter where I am I will be rooted down somewhere deep. I bet since everything is flip-flopped and nothing “makes sense” the “underworld” is full of love, compassion, connection, and the sky is full of hatred, confusion, and malevolence. What if? Cool, great argument, good points too, going going going nowhere! Gone is how I feel, its like I left Spencer, the one who wants to clean up his act, his spaces, his behaviors and habits. “I” left him and “I’m” running the show. You want everything that I want now. You can’t go outside its dangerous out there so you might as well stay in and stay safe because that is what we like and what we are used to. “I” want to be overly comfortable. How “I” do this is by controlling each moment from past experience. Hah, controlling has troll in it. Basically “I” just troll your conscious thoughts and feelings causing you to perceive things that are not there. How you then interpret these things is either a confirmation of the inconsistencies between perceived occurrences or apprehensive acceptance of a world created by perception. The moments that you realize that you have perceived something that couldn’t possible be you tend to get down on yourself for allowing the “I” ego thing to steer me so far off course that I am actually perceiving things so skewed that they aren’t actually “happening”. Sure sometimes they are funny or whatever, but the proclivity of the ego mind to create frameworks for how things are for you that are based in nothing but fantasy and are only but a running program to keep yourself distracted from the more important questions. What is my fucking purpose? I know it, I just have yet to express it. See even that was a deflection of pretentious proportions because you even as much as you know and feel your truth and what can and will bring you joy, you also know and feel that what it takes to get to a place where you are expressing yourself fully takes a commitment to completion of objective tasks with measurable results. You know that it isn’t going to just happen for you. You have taken your life for granted for way too long… Dang, it just never stops, the digging into the past shit… Watch out for that, how often you go into historic narrative mode to deal with new unknown information. No body knows you. They know versions of you. Not the real you, the “real” you is true. Rooted in truth and the expression of human. I want to meet with this person and speak more on how we can make things better for ourselves and others. I don’t want to be vulnerable or be abandoned. Now that you know what the challenge is. Go for it. Love you bye! 855 6:51am

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August 26th 2020 Wednesday 6:08am

The impulse to write the first thing that is coming up and out for me may not be the most progressive way to continue on with this practice. Riddling off a string of complaints with a few fleeting moments of clarity in-between sounds a lot like life but I want to be better. Shit this act of typing on the computer is better. I read some of last years writing earlier, I was comparatively in a worser spot. Which gives me hope and perspective for where I am now. What this year was lacking not just for me, but everybody, is connection. The abundance of connection last year was the most it had ever gotten. Now we are all in a realm that is far different from anything we could have perceived going into 2021. Regardless of the year, It really is only about you focusing and pinpointing on what “it” is. James Clear spoke multiple times in atomic habits so far about potential. I’m pretty sure I wrote that word yesterday or the day before. I definitely remember a few days ago writing about fire and how its sole purpose is to burn as hot, as big, and as long as possible. That is not how I feel right now. Right now I feel frustrated. Frustrated that I can’t “get it together” enough to just move on from “bad” habits and patterns and move forward into new “better” habits and patterns. In two days it will be the three year anniversary of that first wonderful day at Moms. Seems like a lifetime and a moment all at once. Again and again you gotta just give yourself credit, respect and acknowledgment. My years as a mechanic consisted of losing any sight of purpose more and more. For years I subtly tormented myself by believing that I deserved some kind of punishment for my existence. Since I believed it, it was true. Regardless of all the story, I developed a lot of bad habits along the way. Starting at a very young age. I find myself with a proclivity to be uninterested in people. I was able and allowed to exist on my own getting what I want generally when I want. I got good at being secretive about stuff. Especially putting stuff off or not doing it. Straight up lying. Hmm. It was fourth grade? maybe before, but we had to do a paper for health class. I just didn’t do it. I wanted to pretend like I forgot or something but I didn’t like school, I didn’t like the health teacher, and I didn’t like writing papers. I feel like it also has something to do with DARE and I took it all as a total joke that I wasn’t participating in. I can kind of remember her asking everyone to just place their report on her desk on the way out. I walked by, motioned like I was placing an invisible paper on the desk and walked out. Weeks later when it came down to grading and choosing the best because yea it was some kind of contest too. That as well was another subtle deterrent was the fact that it was some kind of contest and I was and still am pretty anti competitive. That comes from being enabled to lie and sneak around with all the little things until Im here writing this getting upset with myself because for the better part of 25 years you have been acting a certain way and now your like “oh wow non of this is good” so then you feel wrong and bad and lose faith and continue the cycles. But yea back to the story, the health class teacher pulled me aside one day and asked where my report was. I flat out lied and told her I put it in the pile with everyone else’s and then told her she must have lost it. Then that was the end of it, no more investigation, no call to the parents, no reprint, nothing, I lied the world into existence. I got away with it then, and I continued to get away with doing the minimal amount of work as possible. Especially when it came down to having a difficult teacher, I put more judgement on them than the actual work. Which makes sense like you just don’t feel motivated to work for someone that you don’t like. Another even earlier memory from like second grade just came up around silver dollar sea shells that a classmate brought in. They were being passes around and when I got them I tweaked it a little to test its strength and it broke in two and I looked around no one noticed and I put them on an empty desk next to me. As if the invisible kid next to me did it and I had no involvement. The stories of pretending to be invisible as often as possible keep coming up. What? I’m at 830 it’s 6:58am

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August 25th 2020 7:06am Tuesday

I don’t feel like I am being super productive writing out these long interpretations of stories and what they mean and how I react and how things play out in the realm of being. Yesterday was a magical ass day. It gave me hope. Everything just seemed to align. It really gave me a sense of hope. I still feel the hope. I feel compelled to start every sentence with, I don’t, I know the first sentence starts with it, I wanted that to be the only one to prove a point that its ok to right things the way they just come out, because again, no one is reading is and even if they did I doubt they care about the words themselves its more about the journey of interacting with the world through symbols to transmit emotion and relatedness. The thought about being a success story came up this morning. You have talked before about knowing what to do. You haven’t even really tried. Thats something to look into is that you perceive the shifts as being some hard uncomfortable thing but really the only proof you have of that are cherry picked stories, reactions from emotions inputs brought on by little tingles of worry or anxiety, or the proof is completely fictitious based in nothing but story and assumption. Ok got it, Im not trying, and I totally get and acknowledge that. So to actually do the thing what would you first want to shift or take on implementing. This is where I get hung up. I paused and was overwhelmed by options. So typical, so ordinary. What should be done? Hmm. Ok, done, like complete. I have been thinking of all of these things that aren’t complete ongoing things. Like I would like to be a higher muscle percentage and lower fat percentage. Like whatever my weight, and body fat are now I want to be less. By when? This is somewhat hypothetical so I’ll move on for now, so what else? Have an email list with five people. How about choosing a topic and writing 750 words about it. That would be something else rather than continuously writing sentences that are talking about the typing out of the thing that it is… Holy shit the thing I just got in the moment is that when “I’m” talking to myself and that “I’m always” thing comes up around whatever story I tell myself justifying how I am being, that shit ain’t me at all. Thats the story speaker box that is always on blast. Thats the “already always listening” for your own system of stories. You can always think of right now as a fresh start. Move on from the perceived inadequacies of the past and be here with yourself right now and really feel out what it is that you can devote some Tim and effort towards that will give you a result. Fucking bake a cake, ya know, like get the directions, the ingredients, follow it through and complete something. More completion. More completion for things that you set out to accomplish. It can and will be the greatest achievement of your life to get yourself intu an expression of yourself that is actually completing things you want to do. Dang even just dedicating a hour to a thing can be a completion. Every time I write that 750th word on here thats a completion that I rarely actually integrate into my being as a completion of an extraordinary task. So good job. You have been doing this shit for a while now, since May. Pretty impressive. It has gone all over the place, however I can see the place I want to put my energy into. I just want to be present and there for myself and others. I want to provide a map. An escape plan to avoid all the pitfalls of having a thinking mind and thriving body. It is a blessing and to really engage with the world as the absolute most potential you have is what I am intending to do. That is accomplished by defining why or for what you are doing anything for. The thing that I keep avoiding, resisting, refusing to really pinpoint down what it is to focus on and complete. See how easy it is to fall right into the judgmental analytical voice. It’s boring, like you… hah yea, but um ok, so what I do is pinpoint an apparent failure and then explain how exactly it plays out that way and why and blah blah blah boring. So yea stop it, complete something, love you, goodbye 772 7:49am

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August 24th 2020 Monday 5:36am

So sore from overeating last night, I feel like I got beat up. Instead of going out and actively seeking a punch in the gut. I shove stuff down my gullet and punch myself from the inside. Why I feel like I “deserve” a punch in the gut is what I was getting into yesterday. So since it’s right there I can weave it in with the maps of meaning. I liked the idea that the ancient Sumerian myth was like the sea and the sky were separated but always together. Their creation was also what created them ongoingly. The other part I got through reading part of the first chapter was that since the introduction of secular western idea the myths that seemingly held things together began to get poked and prodded by intellectuals. See it was the scientific revolutions that occurred during the turn of the 19th century that lead man to such a disrupted place, somewhere he has rarely and more than likely never been before during his time here on earth. Its kind of funny because for thousands of year crusaders were doing their best to control everyone with religious ideology. Then all of a sudden after humans have been stripped of a clear moral compass, higher purpose, faith, they become hopeless and more easily lead and controlled. I barely know enough about this stuff yet to make much sense of it but it has been a weird transition in recent year to be thinking about god and faith. It makes way more sense than the faithless random occurrence of human existence. I’m curious now how hardcore atheists justify their existence and what moral code they align with. So much of our society is modeled after Christian moral constructs. I find it interesting that I find this interesting. My parents both seemingly had bad experiences with christianity, so I was raised with no religion. Not the worst thing but at a certain point I realized that I had nothing to believe in. I barely scraped the surface my whole life thinking about god or what I actually believe in. When I was very young I was being babysat by a friend and we were playing in the back yard. The conversation of god and faith came up. His family wasn’t super religious but they did teach some bible stuff to their kids. So he believed in god and had a healthy fear of god if he was to do something “bad” or “wrong.” Me on the other hand wax taught nothing about god, at that point I had no structure in believe in god. I intended to prove that god wasn’t real by showing him that I could curse out god and they wouldn’t do anything about it. I began to curse “fuck you, fuck you god, you’re not real, fuck you” and flip both my middle fingers at the sky. Even in the moment I admittedly was a little bit apprehensive, like what if? What if god is real and isn’t going to like being cursed at… But I had fully committed at that point. I have always been such a renegade. I am the one that wants to thrust himself forward into the thick of the battle. A whole shit ton of nerve. Thick nerves? Is that a thing? Does everyone have relatively similar nerve thicknesses or do they vary? You would think thicker wiring would allow for either more flow or more resistance. It’s 6:12am I’ll be back…

9:20am I’m back, what the fuck, the fact that three hours has passed that quickly is something to look at… time, it’s a weird one. Currently sipping on butter coffee, this stuff nearly always does me right, it’s hard to pull off every day but especially on the mornings after binging too much too late the fat seems to ease the stomach tension while lifting my spirits into actually wanting to move. Isn’t that the most fucked up thing is that if you feel like shit and don’t want to move you will continue to feel like shit and not move. Wether it’s butter coffee or cocaine whatever works for you to keep forward momentum going. Feeling so up and down and indecisive about everything keeps me in a constant state of survival. Nothing is ideal, everything sucks, and where I was at and where I could be are the only places I want to place my attention. Where I could be hah. Where you I be? What should I be? What should be? Abundance, joy, love, conflict, charisma, equity. A fire should be burning, one that should grow larger. The fire should grow as to the total extent that it can. Use up all its resources and burn out. Maybe even become so big that the sparks cause other fires to erupt, it then exponentially keeps growing and never stops. The fires of the dead burn amongst and within us all. Done. Bye. Love You! 831 9:32am

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August 23rd 2020 Sunday 5:16am

I went to sleep a bit earlier last night and woke up over fifteen minutes before my alarm. I got up to pee and immediately stepped in dog poo. Sometimes it’s nice to have a moment like that first thing in the morning. The poo on the foot itself is not nice, it is gross and annoying, but the reaction to the incident can be nice. Especially when you are able to negate any agitation for compassion for yourself and your dog. Theres no one to be mad at, theres to nothing to be mad about. You could definitely get lost in the throws of anger in a moment if you were to wish things were not the way the were currently. “I’m not supposed to step in poo” as my welcoming to the world today could be a thought. A rear observation upon where you are at currently is necessary to not allow aggravation to set it. I feel as if I did a good job of not being upset about the situation. However I am now questioning if I wasn’t perturbed because I was mindful or because I in some sick way feel like I dissevered it. Or like that was the result of me being where I am at. Like I am questioning myself, am I being shitty? Is that what this is a sign of? I keep having the urge to be like “I can’t” get myself out of this funk. Then dive into all the reasons why I flaked the past several days on everything. Initially it’s all the superficial crap like I didn’t plan on doing it, I was too this or too that, not enough of this not enough of that, same boring crap. Then it gets into deeper meaning and story about the history of who I am and how I have historically done things. How I interact with the world as a person. A person who want to represent or stand for something but is confused. Tell me about it… I just had to pause and reread because I got confused about what I was even trying to convey. It’s about poo and things being shitty. The deeper dive you want to take is looking at what you are using as justification to allow shittiness to not only be prevalent, but to have it be something you allow because you feel as if you deserve nothing better. I know there is a weird truth in there. You are basically thinking that due to some unpaid karmic debt you are stepping in shit as a way to make up for or pay for being a shitty person… Like you allow it because you have some judgement system upon who you are and the stuff you have done that you would deem as pushing some limit of common decency that possibly would end up in some get what you give scenario. You give shittiness, you get shittiness.

Whatever. This is also supposed to be about time. I realized this morning that some of what I am struggling with is a relationship with “time”. I cut that last paragraph off because I felt it was going no where, I didn’t feel like rereading it, and I have been writing for over 30 minutes. It feels like it’s been closer to 15, what’s up with that? Like earlier when I woke up before the alarm the 15 or so minutes I laid in bed felt way longer. Maybe the reason I feel so deserving of shittiness is the relationship with time? Time is pretty specific when talking about clocks counting numbers, but outside of the measurement time is something else. Time is seemingly more dependent on perception. That opens up realms of possibility, change, and transformation when acknowledging that time can depend on how you perceive your existence and being within and around it. I am currently getting more anxious thinking about time. When I get enough sleep I feel very capable, so capable that the thinking mechanisms get on blast about all the stuff I was seemingly too tired to get done. So it quickly turns to overwhelm and a whole slew of shittiness thrown about how you have wasted so much time. I don’t even like saying that because a part of me doesn’t believe it to be true. “Wasted time” seems like a superstition, like I don’t want to believe it, but I know plenty of people do so I am suspect of my own beliefs and understanding of the way that life works. It’s like I know, I know a lot of thing, so much so that it seems overwhelming. When you feel overwhelmed your progressive abundance driven motivation and will weaken. Other motivations driven by lack and suppression then inevitably creep in, these motivations like to poke at ideas and test things. The result is even though you “know better” you want to see how far you can take it before either you get caught or something fails. In most minor situations no one is going to catch you and what is failing is your body, mind, and spirit being able to generate any hope… You then may find yourself in a peculiar predicament. 871 6:12am

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August 22nd Saturday 5:49am

Congratulations man, really, you did it. Sincere, try to be a little bit more sincere. Why the heck is it sincere? Sin? That doesn’t sound too great, and cere? What is that? Words are weird. You gotta breath into the sensation of tension due to a motivation that you aren’t really sure on how exactly the mechanisms play out because they are different each time. Breath, where. are you? What’s wrong? Anything outside of thinking that puts you in any immediate danger, any there pending exchanges that require immediate resolution? No, just thoughts, Nothing can hurt you when there is nothing to hurt you. Just yourself, be calm, become right your presence, your being, your surroundings. The subtle drone of the air conditioning unit fading in and out causing the critters, and crickets to be less audible. Back again breath, be present. If you let your mind go somewhere else just bring it back at no fault. There is nothing wrong, you are strong, powerful, and courageous. Breath and wonder, hmm. How is it that I am so successful? A success of now, a success of knowing that you are whole perfect and complete in every y this moment. You are community of trillions of living organisms. They want you to succeed, they want you to find the truth and love in the world and in your heart that will lead you toward what is most important to you. You are such an awesome specimen. You have hundreds of billions of your own cells living and dying for YOU. Your cells have got your back. They are rooting for you, cheering you on. They comprise everything in your body. The nerves that turn the impulses and thoughts into action, the muscle that delivers the action. It’s pretty amazing that all humans are not only equipped with breath we have the gift of being able to have conscious control over it. Try this, take control of your diaphragm, really imagine the special muscle and its abilities. Breath in, push the belly out as far as you can comfortably go. Expand not only out in front of you but to the sides and behind. Feel lungs rise, feel the breath between your should blades up into the shoulders and down towards the hips. Be aware of the sensations that arise as your breath becomes bigger, deeper, longer. Keep filling keep inhaling, as big as you can go, and hold for a moment. Really check out where you are at. Then allow yourself to exhale. Pull your belly inward and upward and push all the air out of your lungs. Try placing your hand on your belly and giving it a gentle push. Round your back slightly, imagine pulling your belly button inward towards your spine. Try drawing your tongue up into the roof of your mouth. Hold the exhale and begin filling back up with air. Play with the practice. Use different counts, try using just your mouth, just your nose, both at once. Try one nostril at a time. Increase the frequency, the speed, the intensity. The most important thing is to feel yourself with out judgement or worry about doing it wrong. Get comfortable in your skin doing things. You are a trillionaire if you look at it the right way. You are composed of trillions of cells that work tirelessly for your survival. Fuck I cant hit 750 without just writing a real quick bullshit stream of the action that I am currently doing circling around how I want to breath more and how I have to make myself way more able to handle little itches and tings of anxiety or worry, its wild how the itches come up so frequently for so many different things and seemingly arising in so many different spots, whats up with that? All I need is one more run on sentence keeping no mind to subject, context, or structure, just basically throwing fucking paint at the wall hoping that in looks something like art, fuck, fuck this, fuck you, hah, how about a breath workshop that like quit being a bitch and breath motherfucker, like your fucking life depends on it, your cells have got your fucking back, all you gotta do is let the, know that shits all goo by cleaning up your thoughts, surroundings, and what you consume. So do that ok, wow still haven’t made it, running on, running on, just gotta get something out of my thick skull, um, oh yea fuck trump and biden, they both suck. A vote for biden is a vote to pretend that shit is not on fire. The vote to pretend like horrible atrocities that are directly related to American interests aren’t actually happening because I can pretend they aren’t…796 6:40am